Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-07-27 01:03 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2003-07-27 01:03 pm
Mood alterations, voice outages, deep talks with Darkside
After I get off the phone with Darkside, I'm either high and giddy and hyper, or withdrawn and very, very quiet. Neither of these, though they freak out the roommates quite a bit, is a bad thing.
I need more high/giddy/hyper moments. There is sheer joy powering that, love and joy and happiness. Dawn describes it as glowing.
The quiet moments are good too. Usually, they come after a very heavy and deep conversation, where a lot of things get discussed. I'm quiet, I'm withdrawn, I walk or sit pulled-in, taking up as small a space as possible, and I want to curl up at someone's feet and snuggle up, or wrap myself around someone, hold them tight, and say nothing.
This isn't because Darkside has hurt me in any way, often. (Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's because he's aired painful truths, or he's been way busy and having the schedule from hell and doesn't have the time and it's hurting him too.) But mostly it's because Darkside and I have been talking about things so deep, so private, so potentially raw, that touching it in any way afterwards would be an overload. You don't mash the clitoris after a massive orgasm (well, I don't), and I don't talk much for some time after having a certain kind of conversation with Darkside. But I do want to snuggle. Snuggling with him would be ideal; snuggling with someone else who won't pry is a distant second.
My voice has a habit of going out on me. This isn't new. This has been happening since sometime in high school, perhaps before. Mona (who may have been created in the fracas with Shawn) could not speak aloud without the sort of Act of Will it took a Fair Witness to speak. When my voice goes out, it's not always something to be alarmed over. It's just... out again. Much like the power in Alaska. It'll come back on sooner or later; if sooner, it'll be on; if later, wait fifteen/twenty minutes, and then call the neighbors to see if it's out for them too, and if not, call the power company because it was a damn squirrel again.
But my voice goes out from time to time. And Darkside-overloads do that. Emotion-overloads of any kind do that, bad or good.
I need more high/giddy/hyper moments. There is sheer joy powering that, love and joy and happiness. Dawn describes it as glowing.
The quiet moments are good too. Usually, they come after a very heavy and deep conversation, where a lot of things get discussed. I'm quiet, I'm withdrawn, I walk or sit pulled-in, taking up as small a space as possible, and I want to curl up at someone's feet and snuggle up, or wrap myself around someone, hold them tight, and say nothing.
This isn't because Darkside has hurt me in any way, often. (Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's because he's aired painful truths, or he's been way busy and having the schedule from hell and doesn't have the time and it's hurting him too.) But mostly it's because Darkside and I have been talking about things so deep, so private, so potentially raw, that touching it in any way afterwards would be an overload. You don't mash the clitoris after a massive orgasm (well, I don't), and I don't talk much for some time after having a certain kind of conversation with Darkside. But I do want to snuggle. Snuggling with him would be ideal; snuggling with someone else who won't pry is a distant second.
My voice has a habit of going out on me. This isn't new. This has been happening since sometime in high school, perhaps before. Mona (who may have been created in the fracas with Shawn) could not speak aloud without the sort of Act of Will it took a Fair Witness to speak. When my voice goes out, it's not always something to be alarmed over. It's just... out again. Much like the power in Alaska. It'll come back on sooner or later; if sooner, it'll be on; if later, wait fifteen/twenty minutes, and then call the neighbors to see if it's out for them too, and if not, call the power company because it was a damn squirrel again.
But my voice goes out from time to time. And Darkside-overloads do that. Emotion-overloads of any kind do that, bad or good.
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*hugs*
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