azurelunatic | mrrrp. (quiet meloncholy morning)

Woke up in not much better a mood than I started out in last night.

wibbble, you're exactly right in that I'm doing this to myself. The thing I can't yet seem to manage to convey is that I'd like to be included in things, but only rarely am I up to participating, but I'd still like it to be a viable option rather than having to specially ask to be included. I've grown accustomed to the idea that if I'm not specifically included in things, then I'm probably specifically excluded, because that's the way it's been. I know that after asking if I can come along the first few times, people don't even ask anymore because I never can, but... sometimes I might want to... and by then I'm not included.

Also: do I really give a shit if he loves me or not? Do I even want him to love me? I like him a lot, but it would probably be easiest for both of us if we just continued like this indefinitely. It gets scary and too intense if I actually do love someone with all my heart and they love me back. He's safe. He won't burn me out. He won't hurt me... ...though I don't know what I'll do if he finds someone. Withdraw quietly back inside, I suppose.