Oh, dearest, dearest...

[azurelunatic]

...a thousand times I've told you I love you. A thousand times you've told me, "I'm sorry."

When will I learn to hold the love, to let go the desire? I love you. A thousand times, I love you.

They ask me why I let you keep doing this to me. I've known from day one that it's me doing this to myself, and all you've ever desired for me is happiness. As you are kind and gentle and brotherly-protective of me, you wish to shield me from all harm, even from yourself... I wish nearly the same for you, but I know of no one more worthy and more suited...

A thousand times. A thousand times a thousand.


We played the child's game, did not/did too, not/too, not/too, not times infinity... We're past pretense of pure adulthood. Slowly, slowly, we learn each other.

And each step more, I love you, and sometimes I doubt that I can measure up to your dreams, because I know I don't, I can't...

Comments

[ataniell93.livejournal.com]

Okay. So, why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Sorry...have wanted to say this for a while.

This is why ikaros and I got divorced, because ultimately, being espoused to someone who wouldn't fuck me much, and never satisfactorily, was not good for me, even though we still love each other dearly. Accepting that it would never, ever happen was vastly healing. If I had done it sooner I might not have married Vince.

[azurelunatic]

Well, I can't unlove him. Technically, I can, but doing that also means messing with my mind in ways that royally screw me up, and the results are visible either immediately, or in a few days, and ... I have no desire to ever, ever repeat that cute little incident where I was lying on the floor biting my forearms so I'd hurt as much outside as I did inside.

I'm actually safe when I love/am in love with someone who doesn't give me sex. What's dangerous for me is when I have sex with someone who I don't love, or who doesn't love me, because I try to love them anyway. That can cause some definite problems. I've discovered that having sex with someone I don't love is empty and rather disgusting, even if they do love me. And it's dangerous when I love someone who does not take my safety and health into consideration. If I love no one, no matter how hard I try not to, I will fall in love with someone, and it's usually not an appropriate someone to have fallen in love with.

So, as Darkside cares about me immensely, even if he won't use the word love, and would never harm me or stand by and see me come to harm through my action or the actions of others, I'm safe. He will never pull any of the shit that Shawn got away with for so long, and if I try to get with someone just for sex, he will notice, and will call me on it. It's not the most comfortable of situations.

But before I knew him, and became friends with him, and loved him, I was willing to settle for rather a lot of ickiness in the name of "love". Now that I have had my head rather forcefully put on slightly straighter, I won't be willing to settle for anything less than what I have with Darkside. As incomplete as it is, it's the best love-situation I've ever been in. Unless there's the possibility of a relationship exceeding that, I'm not going to throw myself into it, and if it reaches a stopping point short of deep love, then it's not a suitable candidate for a potential permanent primary relationship, and that's what I'm looking for now.

I'm carefully sounding out things with my Pretty, and seeing how they work, but there are obstacles there, and the quickest way to destroy that would be to push it too far, too fast.

I can't unlove him, and as long as I desire him, I'll be frustrated, but I won't be tempted to fuck around randomly, and won't be likely to settle for a loveless shagging partner.