Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-08-10 01:25 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-08-10 01:25 am
Weight and body issues
I get a little defensive about my body sometimes, and not hardly defensive enough at others when they walk all over me.
But for this rant to make any sense, it really helps to know that the weight I consider ideal for myself is in the neighborhood of 190-200. In fact, to get down to 190 in high school after attaining my adult female body, I had to simultaneously maintain a high level of activity while limiting myself to 90 grams of carbohydrates/day, without limiting my protein intake, and not really stressing on the fat. (This was before the Atkins diet was a fad; I was modeling after the diabetic kids I babysat for.) And even then, I was pushing myself too hard -- one day I got dizzy and had to sit out the fencing class because I hadn't bothered to eat beforehand.
These days, I am well, well over my ideal weight. I know this, and anyone who points it out to me as if I hadn't noticed it, as if it was any concern of theirs, is going to die the painful one.
My ideal weight for me is just that, for me, and I don't really pay much attention to what the scale says and what the tag on the clothes say for anyone else, just that whatever it is, it's appropriate for their body type and bone structure.
So I have very little sympathy for some people who have nothing wrong with their bodies (if a doctor would not mention it to you, for example) except that somehow they can't see themselves as okay in any way, which is psychological.
I have sympathy for those who know it's psychological and are taking steps about that. There are several people who fit that description who are likely reading this; hugs for all, and I hope you come to terms with the power of your own beauty soon.
I get angry and frustrated when people with perfectly normal, healthy bodies and minds that just aren't quite aligned right with the body go and do stuff to the body that makes it unhealthy.
And then there are just the people whose ideal of beauty doesn't align with my own. (Gillian Anderson is just about perfect, from my perspective. At least, she used to be when I still watched that show.) It's frustrating to meet someone, and think, "She's pretty," and then listen to the complaint that she's too fat, when she's actually too thin to hit your "Holy mother of perl, she's HOT!" radar. And then she loses weight, and drops from pretty to "She's reasonably attractive, I guess", and then looks to be falling down out of that -- and she still thinks she's too fat?
It's enough to make me punch bricks.
For the love of gods, WHY?
But for this rant to make any sense, it really helps to know that the weight I consider ideal for myself is in the neighborhood of 190-200. In fact, to get down to 190 in high school after attaining my adult female body, I had to simultaneously maintain a high level of activity while limiting myself to 90 grams of carbohydrates/day, without limiting my protein intake, and not really stressing on the fat. (This was before the Atkins diet was a fad; I was modeling after the diabetic kids I babysat for.) And even then, I was pushing myself too hard -- one day I got dizzy and had to sit out the fencing class because I hadn't bothered to eat beforehand.
These days, I am well, well over my ideal weight. I know this, and anyone who points it out to me as if I hadn't noticed it, as if it was any concern of theirs, is going to die the painful one.
My ideal weight for me is just that, for me, and I don't really pay much attention to what the scale says and what the tag on the clothes say for anyone else, just that whatever it is, it's appropriate for their body type and bone structure.
So I have very little sympathy for some people who have nothing wrong with their bodies (if a doctor would not mention it to you, for example) except that somehow they can't see themselves as okay in any way, which is psychological.
I have sympathy for those who know it's psychological and are taking steps about that. There are several people who fit that description who are likely reading this; hugs for all, and I hope you come to terms with the power of your own beauty soon.
I get angry and frustrated when people with perfectly normal, healthy bodies and minds that just aren't quite aligned right with the body go and do stuff to the body that makes it unhealthy.
And then there are just the people whose ideal of beauty doesn't align with my own. (Gillian Anderson is just about perfect, from my perspective. At least, she used to be when I still watched that show.) It's frustrating to meet someone, and think, "She's pretty," and then listen to the complaint that she's too fat, when she's actually too thin to hit your "Holy mother of perl, she's HOT!" radar. And then she loses weight, and drops from pretty to "She's reasonably attractive, I guess", and then looks to be falling down out of that -- and she still thinks she's too fat?
It's enough to make me punch bricks.
For the love of gods, WHY?
no subject
But toward later seasons, she got criminally gaunt -- underfed and skeletal. I don't know who got to her about that, but could you pretend they are bricks?
no subject
no subject
I remember reading about some model who talked about how she loved pizza but it just wasn't worth it because even when she only ate a few bites she had to spend 10 hours on a stairmaster...that is just not sane...hell, yes, I'm barking nutters but I have a better grip on reality than that, and yet that is a supposedly acceptable mindset in our society! Drew Barrymore, whom I think is lovely, is totally wigged because of her "baby fat", they airbrushed almost every scene she was in in the first Charlies Angels. No wonder she had drug problems.
Personally, I think if you can see the outline of someone's ribs in thier back, that's too thin. If you can hang clothes on thier pelvic bones, that's too thin. If you can see every striation of thier esophogal tube, that's too thin. If every time they catch a cold they wind up hospitalized because they have no reserves for thier body to draw on, that's too thin. If you can make out the individual knob structure in thier elbows, knees and wrists, too thin. If you can't walk without help in a 40 mph wind gust, you're too damn thin. (and yes, I've seen, even worked with people like this...I used to escort a woman out to her car at once place I worked on windy days, because she would stagger and have trouble standing upright in straight line winds because she had no strength. She was about 5'7" and wieghed 110 and thought she was perfect. Yeah. Right.)
I know I'm overwieght, and it's not because I overeat or eat the wrong things....I actually don't eat like I should, because I don't get hungry, and I only eat when I'm hungry....I gained weight because of medication and it's staying on because of enforced inactivity because of the fibro pain...but even if I didn't have the fibro pain I sure as hell wouldn't feel like I have to work out 5 hours a day....I'd just do more active things I ENJOY, like hiking, biking, swimming, dancing, climbing....etc.
I look at people who spend hours on fitness equipment and wonder how they haven't died of freaking boredom.
I sometimes have doubts about thier iq levels...which probably sounds bigoted but...but to me it's a logical thought... who could really bear to spend hours pretending they are going up stairs, not seeing anything, not doing anything to stimulate thier mind...just moving thier legs and listening to thier blood pound through thier ears? I'd have to have a lobotomy to bear that.
I heard most of my teenage life that I was "overweight", that I should weigh 115 at my height. When I got braces and got down to 120 I had to be hospitalized and put on I.V.'s because I was a skeleton, and even then I wore size 14 (which are now considered PLUS size?) jeans...because I'm got a skeleton like a linebacker.
I am HEALTHY at 135....I doubt at this age I'll ever get back there, but I hope to get back down in the 140-150 range, which is entirely reasonable. I'm not going to drive myself even further insane trying to achieve it though. Just try to eat well, and if I can ever get the pain management under control be more active, yet even doctors act like this is not a good plan.
I think in terms of overall sanity and mental health our country is at the bottom of the scale...and not getting any better.
Yep, pet peeve of mine.
no subject
People like that don't irritate me, though. It's a disorder. It would be like getting irritated with someone for having multiples and not being aware of it.