azurelunatic | Fwd: Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Hedgehogs, For You Are Soft And Easily Impaled

By MonaLisaOverdrive on Ars Technica: "Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Hedgehogs, For You Are Soft And Easily Impaled"

A.K.A: Calvin's Trip To The Vet. Or Vet = 0, Calvin = 1

Before I go further, I should probably establish a few definitions

SPIKE BALL: Hedgehog primary attack (defense) mode, done by curling up into an impenetrable ball with needles of death sticking out.

SPIKE BALL FINGER MODE: Same as above, only with finger of offender trapped inside. Think Iron Maiden on a smaller scale.

FOREHEAD SPEAR: Hedgehog secondary attack mode, done by bringing forehead spikes up over eyes and advancing forward in a quick, sharp movement.

DEATH HISS, ANGER SNORT, FEAR GROWL: Hedgehog vocalizations. Think "Piss off!!" or "No Yuo!!". Also "Up Yours!!" and, especially today "Fsuk you!!"

FLAMING DEATH EYE: Pretty self explanatory

Now for a little preface to this disaster:

Calvin hates the vet, which is normal for most pets. Unfortunately for me, the vet and anyone else in range, most pets don't come covered with needle sharp spikes. The following is pretty much how today's vet visit (for loss of appetite, severe head tilt and general moodiness) went:

At Vet In Waiting Room

Me: (opening Calvin's cage) Hey dude, we're here, everything's okay, you're cool

Calvin: DEATH HISS!, FOREHEAD SPEAR!

Me: *hastily closes cage*

In Examining Room

Hapless Attendant: So, let's get Calvin on the scale

Me: *opens cage, reaches in for Calvin*

Calvin: SPIKE BALL! SPIKE BALL! DEATH HISS!

Me: Er, this might take a bit

Calvin: FEAR GROWL! FEAR GROWL!

Me: Or longer

*Vet comes in after Calvin has been weighed*

Vet: So Calvin, are you going to uncurl, or are we going to have to gas you?

Calvin: SPIKE BALL! SPIKE BALL! ANGER SNORT!

Vet: Gas it is.

In Operating Area, With Parrot

Vet: Okay Calvin, under the cone we go

Calvin: ANGER SNORT! SPIKE BALL!

Hapless Attendant: Ow! *finally gets Calvin under gas cone* Okay, now we wait.

Me: You're going to be waiting a while. He refuses to go to sleep

Parrot: *silent laughter*

After Three Minutes

Vet: *lifting cone and gently prodding Calvin* So...are we asleep little guy?

Calvin: SPIKE BALL FINGER MODE! ANGER SNORT! DEATH HISS!

Vet: OW! *puts cone back over Calvin* Er, maybe a few more minutes

Hapless Attendant: *holding cone* Wow.

Me: Told you so.

Parrot: No yuo

Calvin: *under cone* FLAMING DEATH EYE! FLAMING DEATH EYE!

Another Three Minutes Later

Vet: *lifting cone, prodding Calvin* Okay, looks like he's ready to go.

Calvin: FLAMING DEATH EYE! FLAMING DEATH EYE!

Hapless Attendant: Er, his eyes are still sorta open

Me: They're not going to close

Vet: *examines Calvin, presses around jaw, looks in ears*

Calvin: FLAMING DEATH EYE! FLAMING DEATH EYE!

Vet: Looks like he's got a lot of wax. Pass me the cotton swabs

Calvin: FLAMING DEATH EYE! FLAMING DEATH EYE!

Vet: *cleans out ears* It also looks like one ear canal is a bit narrower. We'll put some medicine in. Pass me the tube.

Vet: *sticks tube in ear canal, squirts*

Calvin: FLAMING DEATH EYE! FLAMING DEATH EYE! *starts to struggle* FOREHEAD SPEAR!

Vet: OW! *puts down tube* I guess we're done

Me: *picks up Calvin* Should this help the head tilt?

Vet: *sucking finger* If it doesn't, we'll do some x-rays and maybe some antibiotics

Calvin: *wobbly* ANGER SNORT! ANGER SNORT!

Me: Okay dude, time to go.

So, I'm back at work with a doped up, angry hedgehog sitting behind my desk. We'll give him his favorite treats tonight, but he'll probably hate us for the next several days.

MLO

(link from the

lmbujold list)

Fwd: Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Hedgehogs, For You Are Soft And Easily Impaled

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