Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-09-09 12:37 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-09-09 12:37 am
Forgiveness (deserving, undeserving; trust, hate)
As near as I can figure, forgiveness is about saying, "I don't hate you anymore," and meaning it.
For the longest time, I hated my high school best friend bitterly, because he'd tried to kill himself while I was there with him on the phone. There's really no way to overlook that. I had bad post-traumatic flashbacks to it for over five years; within the last two, they haven't been so bad -- they're trailing off now that I've gotten some assistance with it (thank you, beloved). A year ago, I was finally able to forgive him. While I'll never be able to overlook what happened, I've forgiven him.
Forgiveness isn't forgetting. I've always found the phrase "Forgive and forget" foolish. If someone's truly stopped a resentable behaviour, it may be possible in time to disregard that they did that in the past, but it's the height of idiocy to overlook the fact that someone who's been forgiven for past ills may well repeat what they did.
I don't hate my father. When I was a child, he spanked far too hard; we feared his wrath, and rightly so. Even after he stopped spanking with the palm of iron, he'd still vent his impressive anger on nearby inanimate objects; we were afraid for our physical safety, remembering deep-down that he'd harmed us before and could well do so again. He's stopped doing that, since. I don't judge him likely to start again; he's finally grown out of throwing tantrums. I've forgiven him, because I've tamed my own anger somewhat, and know what a massive struggle it is, and honor his effort and success. I don't judge him likely to pull any of those stunts with me again.
I've forgiven a certain elementary school bully, the pathological liar who used to ride our bus. (Hey,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
swallowtayle, remember the thing with the brawl at the soccer game he was refereeing? How nobody believed it until his aunt confirmed the story?) I don't think he's changed in the slightest since I've known him. I think he's still a bully and a liar, but I don't hate him. I just sort of despise him. I wouldn't want him to be in a position of power over anyone I care about in the slightest (that counts those who I should care about simply by the virtue of their being decent beings), and I would gladly take him down if I had an excuse to, but I don't hate him. So I forgive him. I don't trust him; I will likely never trust him; I don't hate him.
I think the point of forgiveness is not that the target becomes deserving of forgiveness in some way, though that is possibly one of the ways it's been perceived often. Certainly, if one has done something awful, it's generally a good idea to better oneself, but forgiveness lies in the hands of the one who's been wronged, not in the continued good behaviour of the wronger.
As the one who's been wronged, if you still want to torture them, rend them limb from limb, burn them alive and then bury them (or bury them alive and then burn them) and finally dance on their grave, then shit on it, you haven't forgiven them. (And if they deserve all that, then they probably don't deserve forgiveness, at least, not human forgiveness; the Divine can judge for ItSelf, and will probably wreak suffering in kind before doing so.) If you can finally get to a place where you say, "Eh, I don't hate the pathetic little shit anymore; I really don't think much of anything of that one," then that's forgiveness.
For the longest time, I hated my high school best friend bitterly, because he'd tried to kill himself while I was there with him on the phone. There's really no way to overlook that. I had bad post-traumatic flashbacks to it for over five years; within the last two, they haven't been so bad -- they're trailing off now that I've gotten some assistance with it (thank you, beloved). A year ago, I was finally able to forgive him. While I'll never be able to overlook what happened, I've forgiven him.
Forgiveness isn't forgetting. I've always found the phrase "Forgive and forget" foolish. If someone's truly stopped a resentable behaviour, it may be possible in time to disregard that they did that in the past, but it's the height of idiocy to overlook the fact that someone who's been forgiven for past ills may well repeat what they did.
I don't hate my father. When I was a child, he spanked far too hard; we feared his wrath, and rightly so. Even after he stopped spanking with the palm of iron, he'd still vent his impressive anger on nearby inanimate objects; we were afraid for our physical safety, remembering deep-down that he'd harmed us before and could well do so again. He's stopped doing that, since. I don't judge him likely to start again; he's finally grown out of throwing tantrums. I've forgiven him, because I've tamed my own anger somewhat, and know what a massive struggle it is, and honor his effort and success. I don't judge him likely to pull any of those stunts with me again.
I've forgiven a certain elementary school bully, the pathological liar who used to ride our bus. (Hey,
swallowtayle, remember the thing with the brawl at the soccer game he was refereeing? How nobody believed it until his aunt confirmed the story?) I don't think he's changed in the slightest since I've known him. I think he's still a bully and a liar, but I don't hate him. I just sort of despise him. I wouldn't want him to be in a position of power over anyone I care about in the slightest (that counts those who I should care about simply by the virtue of their being decent beings), and I would gladly take him down if I had an excuse to, but I don't hate him. So I forgive him. I don't trust him; I will likely never trust him; I don't hate him. I think the point of forgiveness is not that the target becomes deserving of forgiveness in some way, though that is possibly one of the ways it's been perceived often. Certainly, if one has done something awful, it's generally a good idea to better oneself, but forgiveness lies in the hands of the one who's been wronged, not in the continued good behaviour of the wronger.
As the one who's been wronged, if you still want to torture them, rend them limb from limb, burn them alive and then bury them (or bury them alive and then burn them) and finally dance on their grave, then shit on it, you haven't forgiven them. (And if they deserve all that, then they probably don't deserve forgiveness, at least, not human forgiveness; the Divine can judge for ItSelf, and will probably wreak suffering in kind before doing so.) If you can finally get to a place where you say, "Eh, I don't hate the pathetic little shit anymore; I really don't think much of anything of that one," then that's forgiveness.