Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-09-21 02:11 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-09-21 02:11 am
FAQ #5: Why are you so obsessed with Darkside?
I've been on a manic husband-hunt since the age of six. I started early. My dating record is not all that great. I've dated some very nice people, and I'm still in touch with many of them, but, sadly, the bad ones were equally as bad as the good ones were good.
But what does that have to do with your obsession with Darkside? You're dangerously obsessed with him, you know. It's not good for either of you.
Darkside is the one who took the time to gain my trust and build me back together after two of the worse: Shawn, followed up quickly by BJ. I'm sure, if I'd gone to a shrink, that I would have been diagnosed with some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Both of them played nasty mind-games with me. One of them attempted suicide on my watch. I never saw a shrink. Other men would have, did, exploit the ease with which I may be hypnotized, to their advantage and my disadvantage. Darkside saw me broken, and exploited my willingness to cling to him to take me all the way apart again, clean me up, and patch me back together. He's more than earned my trust, loyalty, and friendship; he saved me, heart, mind, soul, and life, more times over than I care to count.
When Darkside patched me back together and I cooperated with him, I did that for him, because he had faith in me that I could, and if he wanted me whole and happy, I could make myself that for him. Now that I'm whole enough to bear it, he's giving me an even more precious gift. Other, less ethical, men might accept my adoration as their due and leave it at that. Darkside has chosen to kick my ass into caring for myself not because he wishes it so, but because I wish it so and deserve it. He's kicking my ass until I get some self-esteem. He knows me well enough to know what I respond to. It's the hope of both of us, now, that someday I will be able to love myself for who I am, and I'm getting closer every day.
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But what does that have to do with your obsession with Darkside? You're dangerously obsessed with him, you know. It's not good for either of you.
Darkside is the one who took the time to gain my trust and build me back together after two of the worse: Shawn, followed up quickly by BJ. I'm sure, if I'd gone to a shrink, that I would have been diagnosed with some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Both of them played nasty mind-games with me. One of them attempted suicide on my watch. I never saw a shrink. Other men would have, did, exploit the ease with which I may be hypnotized, to their advantage and my disadvantage. Darkside saw me broken, and exploited my willingness to cling to him to take me all the way apart again, clean me up, and patch me back together. He's more than earned my trust, loyalty, and friendship; he saved me, heart, mind, soul, and life, more times over than I care to count.
When Darkside patched me back together and I cooperated with him, I did that for him, because he had faith in me that I could, and if he wanted me whole and happy, I could make myself that for him. Now that I'm whole enough to bear it, he's giving me an even more precious gift. Other, less ethical, men might accept my adoration as their due and leave it at that. Darkside has chosen to kick my ass into caring for myself not because he wishes it so, but because I wish it so and deserve it. He's kicking my ass until I get some self-esteem. He knows me well enough to know what I respond to. It's the hope of both of us, now, that someday I will be able to love myself for who I am, and I'm getting closer every day.
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