azurelunatic | Desensitizing, reprogramming

I hesitate to say where that thing came from, where I do not want to be touched. I do know that, until I got to spend the night with Shawn, until BJ, I couldn't sleep unless I imagined someone else, snuggled up next to me.

I remember, at the beginning of the relationship with BJ, I would snuggle up, and it was only later that I insisted on piling pillows between us so we wouldn't touch in the night. With

digitalambience, I couldn't stand to be touched while I was asleep, at first, and only later was it possible to snuggle.

I remember flinching when Darkside reached out to touch my face. (Part of that was because of the nerve pinch games... part of it wasn't.) We got, finally, so he could put his hands on my neck and pretend to strangle me, and I'd just stand there, trusting him. (I'd never let BJ get his hands anywhere near my neck.) I'd hide behind my hair; he'd brush the hair away from my face.