azurelunatic | "How to be really, really nasty with self-defence", by wiseheron

wiseheron spoke up...

when I was a teenager there was a guy in my neighborhood who was retired on disability, he'd lost part of his arm. He'd never tell me what he did for a living prior, because he would have had to kill me (I'm not sure if he was joking or what) but he did offer to teach me self defense, because he noticed I got picked on a lot.

This stuff is pretty gross, but it's better than rape or worse anyday. First lesson is, your attacker doesn't give a shit about your welfare, for you to win and survive you can't give a shit about his.

Did you know the average 10 year old child can rip the ear off the side of a man's head? It's only held on by a small amount of cartlidge and skin. If you get a good grip and throw your weight into it. The same goes for the lower lip, if you can get a good hold on it.

Ramming your fingers up someones nose hard and fast will usually blind them for several minutes.

Thumb jabs into the underside of the jaw (practice by poking around on your own for tender spots) into the eye sockets, the esopoghus, and under the armpit in towards the chest cavity are incredibly painful and will usually catch an attacker by surprise enough that you can then get another dirty blow.

Don't jab car keys or pens at someone's face, that's what is expected, go for the collarbone or thier crotch. A pen or a set of keys wedged like brass knuckles in your hand is a mighty weapon indeed.

A lighter and a can of hairspray makes a damn good flamethrower.

A ball bat with nails duct taped to it makes the worlds best kick ass mace. (though that one the cops may give you the hairy eye for carrying) One look at it though is usually enough to deter pretty much any attacker. If you are crazy enough to carry something like that around...odds are you aren't a good victim.

stun guns are good, cattle prods are better.

A potter's wire is discreet and deadly.(It's a piece of wire strung between two small wood handles, used to slice a wheel thrown pot off a pottery wheel, but it also makes a hell of a garrote) There are a number of other pottery tools that look like hideous instruments of torture. Pulling one out can definitely give some asshole a pause.

Smile. Smile like you are going to rip the fucker's internal organs out and eat them in alphabetical order and enjoy it. Maybe even suggest that's what your going to do, and start reciting internal organs in alphabetical order. If you aren't sure you can stop them physically, fuck with thier mind. Laugh.
Most people don't want to handle someone whose obviously a raving psychotic.

And above all, if you can, do scream like hell. Many people find they can't scream when something like this happens, Roy took his pupils down to the hoosier national forest and had us wander around, he would occasionally pop out and grab someone by the shoulders or thier hair and scare the shit out of them so that we could practice the concept of screaming bloody murder at an instant's notice. Keep in mind that nowadays, you hear little kids screaming all the time, because thier parents don't teach them that certain types of screaming is reserved for "bad situations" not playing. So it's best to scream words....help, fire, rape, get off me you fucking asshole....anything is good.

that concludes todays lesson of how to become a psycho in 3 seconds or less when attacked. You may all go home now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ya, self defense is fighting as dirty and as vicious as you can. I've helped teach self defense, and that's the hardest lesson to get across. Most people aren't inherantly mean, and ripping off an ear or gouging an eye repulses most anyone. But, what an attacker has planned for you is infinitely worse.

On the lighter side, nothing will drop your martial arts ego faster than the little old lady, who during the 'practice hitting the tackle dummy (aka me)' part comes up to you, smiles sweetly, then belts you in the solar plexus hard enough to knock the wind out of you, through the padding. Freight trains probably hit less hard...*wince*

hee.

And I look so harmless... I mean, who would expect the pretty voluptuous girl to be carrying a concealed pen in her pocket, or to have the strength to pull off a slap that can take down a full-grown man?

Happily, I've never had to use any of these skills in an actual self-defense situation. I hope I'll continue to be so lucky. I do know which way I jump, though, having had some situations where my adrenalin got up.

Umm...well I would, but I'm paranoid ;)

Well, plus the way I walk down the street at 2 am... walking, not cowering.

votania taught me how to recognize the "I'm carrying, so don't fuck with me" walk.

Yes, walking like your a badass tends to keep people from checking to see if you really are one. While, walking like prey, will attract predators.

I wish I could get Chris to grasp this. It's something I learned (my sisters taught me self-defense much in the manner Azz's mentor did) when I was in my early teens. I don't feel insecure walking to and from the train station (2 miles) alone, even late at night, though Chris thinks it's a not-so-safe neighbourhood. I know how to make it clear that I know what I'm doing...I've walked through downtown KC (a MUCH less safe neighbourhood) in the *middle* of the night and not been fucked with.

The only times I've ever been attacked were for occult reasons, and were handled in a combination of physical and occult response.

A friend of mine used to go waltzing through Central Park at 2am in the morning to pick up a pizza. She would wave cheerfully at the pimps and pushers, who never fucked with her, figuring a white girl crazy enough to go walking through Central Park at 2am was not someone to be fucked with. And she had the Walk.

And then there's

ldymusyc, who's known by the local cops as "The Angry White Girl" -- I seem to recall a story about the cops being worried about her boyfriend being out too late until they learned he was with the Angry White Girl.

It's actually

wiseheron's lecture. I've never had quite so formal a training in mayhem.

Ah. Too bad. You know, I've never had to actually test most of my knowledge on how to fuck with somebody...though one can use the example of the time I got really pissed at Chris and nerve-pinched his shoulder. It just hurt at the time, but within five minutes he couldn't see. :)

Darkside's been giving me pointers. "Do you really expect to hurt me with that grip?" "That's not going to do anything, you know. You need to have your thumb here... see, like *this*..." (as he demonstrates on me....)

Thanks for posting this.

You're welcome.

I'm a large bloke, but I'm still taking notes.

I've found that being large (195cm, 120 kilos), some people want to mess with you just because I'm large.
I have perfected "the look". It seems to communicate "I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to pause and sweep the street with you." It works most of the time.

My partner,

cindygerb on the other hand gets into moods when large, angry men cross the street to not be on the same sidewalk with her. She's 160cm.

Strangely enough, I've never had any trouble, but then I don't go out and about much. :o)

Great advice, I will be taking notes.

An important side note on the flamethrower...when starting, any order (flame first or hairspray stream first) works fine, but when stopping, turn off the flame *first*. Turning off the hairspray stream first has been known to suck flame into the canister, causing an exposion.

Just a safety tip.

Why they make hairspray containers work that way I'll never know, but then most people don't use hairspray for a flamethrower commonly, so it probably hasn't gotten them sued yet.

"How to be really, really nasty with self-defence", by wiseheron

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hairspray flamethrower