Life

[azurelunatic]

I suppose I'd better put this down so it'll be on record for when I'm reading back through years from now.

These past few days have been rough on me. Not sure what all of the triggers have been, but I've been feeling very bleh, and have been thinking how easy it might be to die.

I'm conditioned against examining the feelings while I'm feeling them; any attempt to dive deeper into them, in words or actions, when I'm there, triggers a crying fit and immobility and a mad dash for the nearest means of communication to someone who will keep me onplanet. boojum kept me here the last bad time. Before that, it was River, in 1999. It's an old reflex, and it's served me well. Someday it may well be obsolete.

Comments

[ataniell93.livejournal.com]

*hugs* it's going around, so don't let it get to you too much.

I haven't had suicidal ideation but one of my friends actually tried it a few days ago and got herself a three day vacation in the Heartbreak Hotel, and everyone I know has been antsy as fucking hell.

[azurelunatic]

Antsy, yeah, that doesn't even begin to describe it.

...Last year, someone really close to me survived a close call.

[perchta.livejournal.com]

pre-xmas blues? If nothing else, it tends to make a good excuse.

[azurelunatic]

Nope. Other than it being Silly Season and all. If anything, all the holiday balderdash is making me happier.

[perchta.livejournal.com]

ah. Glad you at least have something to counteract the blehs.

[easalle.livejournal.com]

Glamour bombing will cheer you and if not... well then there is chocolate fondue at my place following ^_^

[azurelunatic]

Ooooh, chocolate fondue.

[easalle.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed it is the speciallity of the house ^_~

[azurelunatic]

Ah. I've never had it before....

[easalle.livejournal.com]

Ooooo you is in for a real treat then ^_^

[sithjawa.livejournal.com]

Tough couple weeks here. Lots of people I know getting way down who ordinarily don't. Hang in there, it can't last forever.

[azurelunatic]

I'm fairly sure it will keep coming back forever, though, and that's what annoys and worries me.

[sithjawa.livejournal.com]

But each time you survive it you will be able to say "I've survived it n+1 many times, I'll survive it this time." Which might help?

[azurelunatic]

Might.

Trouble is, too many people make the "permanent solution to temporary problem" argument. People who make that argument do not feel as if they understand, because the mood is a temporary thing, but the recurrance of the mood, battering it off n+1 times, is not a temporary thing. Short of a permanent change in brain, it is a permanent problem.

[sithjawa.livejournal.com]

Maybe I am weird, but I think it is a human problem.

Part of the trick being to not feel bad about feeling bad.

[azurelunatic]

Severity depends on the human.

Still invented by the Lone Power. Bah.

[sithjawa.livejournal.com]

Bah.

[azurelunatic]

And was also invented by the Lone Power.