Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2003-12-15 02:16 am
azurelunatic) wrote2003-12-15 02:16 am
...just reminded how much it hurts...
I haven't seen Darkside in person and alone and coherent enough to have a decent conversation since February.
February.
This man is my best friend, and I've barely seen him, let alone been alone with him, since February. My trip to see him in February involved five hours of solo travel time, two hours seeing him with his parents present in the other room, and not quite an hour driving with him and changing a tire. Before that, it had been since October 2002 that I'd gotten any alone-time with him.
He graduated from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
phx_devry in October 2002. I saw him at his graduation at the end of October, our Halloween party at the end of October, and for a few hours near Solstice in December. The Halloween party was crowded, and Little Fayoumis was all over him in December. I went to see him in February, and I was desperate to spend time with him. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
votania took us all on a group trip to see him in June just after his birthday. A few precious and uncomfortable seconds alone. He came over for our Halloween party this October. No chance to talk, and when we were finally alone, I was walking dead and he was tired too.
That adds up to a generous total of fourteen hours that I've seen him in the past thirteen and a half months. I became accustomed to seeing him for five to ten hours a week, while we were at school together.
I miss him.
He's not always reliable and there for me in media other than spoken, face-to-face. He never learned how friendship was supposed to be conducted; he never got the bone-deep reflexive knowledge. But, one-on-one, without distracting games or other people around, I can feel how much he does care for me. The fact that he allows me to stay in contact with him, the fact that he will stay on the phone with me, the fact that he doesn't mind spending time with me... his reserve is greater than Ekaterin's, and twice as grouchy as Dr. McCoy on a bad day.
He grouches, grumbles, growls, grouses, gripes, and grinches. He snarls, snarks, sneers, snipes. He hisses and snaps and can pay an awesome resemblance to Snape on a bad day, despite looking like a 25-year-old Draco Malfoy (as played by Tom Felton). To colleagues and co-workers, he's cold, cutting, short-tempered, sarcastic, distant, and has described himself as "the grouch from hell," and suggests that no one human spend any time with him when he's tired, especially after work.
To me, he is kind, caring, courteous, occasionally courtly, gentle, and gentlemanly. He's sweet. When he inevitably steps on my toes and shoves his thumb up my nose, he didn't mean to, and is willing to learn how to try and not repeat that. I don't get the same man that everyone else at school got, with a few rare exceptions. I know him better now than anyone else he knows from college, ex-girlfriend included.
We've learned each other so well, in person, that sometimes it's feeling like we're not communicating in the same reality-space as the rest of the world. I can look at him and see insecurity and bone-deep hurt. Someone else can look at him at the same moment and see a young man conversing casually. I can look at him and see abject terror. A classmate can look at him at the same moment as see him cool, calm, professional, and all there. It turned out to be utter terror.
BJ used to pride himself that he could drag any piece of information that I was concealing from him out of me eventually.
I delight in my friendship with Darkside in part because if I am concealing any piece of information from myself, Darkside will eventually uncover it, and does not insist on hearing it as long as I know what it is.
February.
This man is my best friend, and I've barely seen him, let alone been alone with him, since February. My trip to see him in February involved five hours of solo travel time, two hours seeing him with his parents present in the other room, and not quite an hour driving with him and changing a tire. Before that, it had been since October 2002 that I'd gotten any alone-time with him.
He graduated from
phx_devry in October 2002. I saw him at his graduation at the end of October, our Halloween party at the end of October, and for a few hours near Solstice in December. The Halloween party was crowded, and Little Fayoumis was all over him in December. I went to see him in February, and I was desperate to spend time with him. votania took us all on a group trip to see him in June just after his birthday. A few precious and uncomfortable seconds alone. He came over for our Halloween party this October. No chance to talk, and when we were finally alone, I was walking dead and he was tired too. That adds up to a generous total of fourteen hours that I've seen him in the past thirteen and a half months. I became accustomed to seeing him for five to ten hours a week, while we were at school together.
I miss him.
He's not always reliable and there for me in media other than spoken, face-to-face. He never learned how friendship was supposed to be conducted; he never got the bone-deep reflexive knowledge. But, one-on-one, without distracting games or other people around, I can feel how much he does care for me. The fact that he allows me to stay in contact with him, the fact that he will stay on the phone with me, the fact that he doesn't mind spending time with me... his reserve is greater than Ekaterin's, and twice as grouchy as Dr. McCoy on a bad day.
He grouches, grumbles, growls, grouses, gripes, and grinches. He snarls, snarks, sneers, snipes. He hisses and snaps and can pay an awesome resemblance to Snape on a bad day, despite looking like a 25-year-old Draco Malfoy (as played by Tom Felton). To colleagues and co-workers, he's cold, cutting, short-tempered, sarcastic, distant, and has described himself as "the grouch from hell," and suggests that no one human spend any time with him when he's tired, especially after work.
To me, he is kind, caring, courteous, occasionally courtly, gentle, and gentlemanly. He's sweet. When he inevitably steps on my toes and shoves his thumb up my nose, he didn't mean to, and is willing to learn how to try and not repeat that. I don't get the same man that everyone else at school got, with a few rare exceptions. I know him better now than anyone else he knows from college, ex-girlfriend included.
We've learned each other so well, in person, that sometimes it's feeling like we're not communicating in the same reality-space as the rest of the world. I can look at him and see insecurity and bone-deep hurt. Someone else can look at him at the same moment and see a young man conversing casually. I can look at him and see abject terror. A classmate can look at him at the same moment as see him cool, calm, professional, and all there. It turned out to be utter terror.
BJ used to pride himself that he could drag any piece of information that I was concealing from him out of me eventually.
I delight in my friendship with Darkside in part because if I am concealing any piece of information from myself, Darkside will eventually uncover it, and does not insist on hearing it as long as I know what it is.
no subject
no subject