Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2001-12-06 02:38 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2001-12-06 02:38 pm
Dating
Ate lunch with Elijah, one of Adam's friends. Nice guy. Bald head, completely shaved/missing hair. We chatted, and he gave me the rest of his lunch. I'd been looking around for Adam, but he hadn't been anywhere in sight.
We finally did find Adam, and Elijah mentioned that he'd shared the rest of his lunch with me.
"Oh, you fed my girl?" Adam asked.
Immediate conversation-starter. Elijah started picking on me for being a possession now, "Adam's girl."
Talked with Elijah a bit after that. Apparently Adam has said a few things regarding dating to Elijah, but Elijah said he'd probably better not share them, since he didn't know if it would be OK to. He suggested that I tell Adam how I feel.
How do I feel?
Well, I didn't want to date Adam, originally, because of Darkside, and I wanted to have a chance to date Darkside if he was interested after the six months. This is no longer a reason. I am free to date whomever I please.
Adam was recently broken up with, heart stomped on and fed to the fishes, all the usual line of breakup evil nasty mean things. I have the idea that he still likes her and might want to get back together with her.
I don't want to stop him from having any relationship he wants to have. He was right, I do risk getting my heart trampled on this way, but at least I'm not risking as much as I was before. I gave my heart to Raven.
I do believe, very strongly, in polyamory. I don't want to be tied down to just one person, not even as informally as dating. That's not to say I won't date. That's just saying that if I'm dating someone, I would become very claustrophobic in the relationship if they were not polyamorous.
I am fairly certain that Adam is at least friendly toward the idea of polyamory. That is not a barrier.
I do not know if Adam is or not interested in dating me. If he were interested, and asked me to date him, I would most likely accept in a heartbeat.
If he is not interested in dating me, I wouldn't push him to. How precious is he to me that I would not push lest I risk losing him?
Religion is definitely a barrier. I am random eclectic somewhat-Wiccan. He is Christian in that he follows the teachings of Christ. I haven't even cracked the bloody book. I'm sure that there's a lot in there that I would agree with, but there is also a lot that I would disagree with. The last time I went to a church, I wound up agreeing with about 70% of the main points of their faith. The three largest points were the Christ-specific ones.
I believe that it is up to the individual to save themselves through discovering their own Divine Will and submitting themselves directly to the Higher Powers. Furthermore, given that everybody fucks up [for all have fallen short of the glory of god, as my ex put it] it is up to the individual to accept their own "sin" and put it as right as possible, and accept the universal judgment that accompanies the action. No "get out of hell free" card. [Hell is the absence of the presence of the divine. A rather silly concept, to one who sees the divine in everything.] Furthermore, in order to truly become one with divinity, one must take on the responsibilities, accepting the burden of other people's fuck-ups, cleaning up after them.
I suppose religion is my greatest bar to being comfortable with the idea of dating Adam (though if he asked, I would date him). It takes everything I've got to keep from running away every time the subject comes up. The last Christian I had intimate mental and physical contact with was Brian. It still hurts my mind and heart to think about Brian. Brian, and contact with him, fucked me over more thoroughly than contact with Darkside and angsting over him ever will.
Darkside fixes what he breaks, you see.
I'm nervous. Adam's nervous. I don't think I would ever want to marry him, though I might want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I just don't know.
We finally did find Adam, and Elijah mentioned that he'd shared the rest of his lunch with me.
"Oh, you fed my girl?" Adam asked.
Immediate conversation-starter. Elijah started picking on me for being a possession now, "Adam's girl."
Talked with Elijah a bit after that. Apparently Adam has said a few things regarding dating to Elijah, but Elijah said he'd probably better not share them, since he didn't know if it would be OK to. He suggested that I tell Adam how I feel.
How do I feel?
Well, I didn't want to date Adam, originally, because of Darkside, and I wanted to have a chance to date Darkside if he was interested after the six months. This is no longer a reason. I am free to date whomever I please.
Adam was recently broken up with, heart stomped on and fed to the fishes, all the usual line of breakup evil nasty mean things. I have the idea that he still likes her and might want to get back together with her.
I don't want to stop him from having any relationship he wants to have. He was right, I do risk getting my heart trampled on this way, but at least I'm not risking as much as I was before. I gave my heart to Raven.
I do believe, very strongly, in polyamory. I don't want to be tied down to just one person, not even as informally as dating. That's not to say I won't date. That's just saying that if I'm dating someone, I would become very claustrophobic in the relationship if they were not polyamorous.
I am fairly certain that Adam is at least friendly toward the idea of polyamory. That is not a barrier.
I do not know if Adam is or not interested in dating me. If he were interested, and asked me to date him, I would most likely accept in a heartbeat.
If he is not interested in dating me, I wouldn't push him to. How precious is he to me that I would not push lest I risk losing him?
Religion is definitely a barrier. I am random eclectic somewhat-Wiccan. He is Christian in that he follows the teachings of Christ. I haven't even cracked the bloody book. I'm sure that there's a lot in there that I would agree with, but there is also a lot that I would disagree with. The last time I went to a church, I wound up agreeing with about 70% of the main points of their faith. The three largest points were the Christ-specific ones.
I believe that it is up to the individual to save themselves through discovering their own Divine Will and submitting themselves directly to the Higher Powers. Furthermore, given that everybody fucks up [for all have fallen short of the glory of god, as my ex put it] it is up to the individual to accept their own "sin" and put it as right as possible, and accept the universal judgment that accompanies the action. No "get out of hell free" card. [Hell is the absence of the presence of the divine. A rather silly concept, to one who sees the divine in everything.] Furthermore, in order to truly become one with divinity, one must take on the responsibilities, accepting the burden of other people's fuck-ups, cleaning up after them.
I suppose religion is my greatest bar to being comfortable with the idea of dating Adam (though if he asked, I would date him). It takes everything I've got to keep from running away every time the subject comes up. The last Christian I had intimate mental and physical contact with was Brian. It still hurts my mind and heart to think about Brian. Brian, and contact with him, fucked me over more thoroughly than contact with Darkside and angsting over him ever will.
Darkside fixes what he breaks, you see.
I'm nervous. Adam's nervous. I don't think I would ever want to marry him, though I might want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I just don't know.
don't hate me but...
It's great to have a bastard as a friend. You always need a bastard to stand up for you. But getting completely emotionally invested in a bastard is draining.
After all this time, if he said yes, what would his motivation be? Would you trust it? Would you have confidence in it? Could it ever live up to everything you fantasize about?
Myself, I'm too insecure to believe in polyamory. I want to know I'm someone's, anyone's, first choice. I just need someone in this world to think I am the best. How do you handle jealousy in a system like that? Do you set down rules, or is it just you pick people carefully, or what?
I don't mean sound challenging, I'm more curious because it's such a different system than my own.
No, I don't hate you.
He's not a true bastard at heart. I've been emotionally invested in a bastard before, and I know the exact emotional cost. It sucks out your soul and wrings you dry. I loved Shawn for five brilliant, miserable, and cold years. The last year, he finally did allow me to be his woman. I could have died of the breakup; he made it so nasty that I wanted to die, tried to will myself to die. (Now I'm glad I survived, but I wasn't then.) My friends saw what he'd done to me, how he didn't care, how he never so much as made a down payment on the enormous emotional debt he owed. He exploited my talents and good will, took my devotion for granted, and forbade me to speak the word "love" in his presence.
Darkside returns my friendship in equal measure, and heals me when he sees me hurting, when there's something he can do about it. Once, right after I'd broken up with BJ and moved into my new apartment, I had a horrible attack of instant depression, one of those moments where you must have human contact or you will collapse and so will your mind and there may be nothing left of you to be pulled out of the rubble. It was way the fuck too late at night. I called him in tears, and he listened to me and hugged me over the phone and made sure I was all right before he let me go.
I'm the one who owes Darkside, if there's any debt between us. It's a friendship between equals. He's never let me betray myself in his presence or where he can hear about it. He's clumsy at expressing emotion, but he's let me know how much our mornings together mean to him.
I'm not waiting for Darkside anymore. He asked for the six months to recover from his last relationship so he could make a judgement on whether or not to date me with a whole heart, rather than a shattered one, and I gave him that. His answer was no. Now I'm trying to recover from loving him. Shawn said he didn't want me loving him, but never encouraged me to stop, just encouraged me to make it less emotionally awkward for him. Darkside is encouraging me with each sign he sees that I'm falling out of love with him.
If Darkside were to tell me now that he wanted to date me, I'd congratulate him on his successful retaliation for my April Fool of him. He's been looking for some way to get me back for my excellent prank.
If Darkside were to successfully convince me to be his girlfriend, and honestly want to be with me, I think the relationship would go well. After a few passionate weeks or months, it would settle into a comfortable friendship very much like the friendship we have now, only with an explicitly sexual undertone.
I don't know where my relationship with Adam, on the other hand, is going. Darkside keeps encouraging me in that relationship (Shawn used to be in favor of my dating people, but would then get insanely jealous) but I don't know how compatible Adam and I are in the long run.
I guess we'll just find out there....
As regards polyamory, communication and the right people are the key. The only reason I am even contemplating polyamory with Adam is that we have the highest level of communication in a relationship that I have ever experienced, and we are both naturally polyamorous. My heart is configured to love more than one person at once, which occasionally caused consternation in the past. Rather than a One True Love at a time, I tend to have a Top Four Beloveds. The list rotates over time.
Rules, and picking carefully.
It's going to be interesting.