azurelunatic | Snape's List

Things that Professor Snape is no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts:
By excessivelyperky

Dedicated to the creator of www.skippyslist.com

And thanks to Scott Jamison for his assistance

Not allowed to sing "Black Powder and Alcohol" to the students. Especially not allowed to substitute ingredients that will result in napalm and methamphetamine instead.

Crucifying toads. Bad idea.

Not allowed to collect blood and/or hair samples from students or staff for potion-making. This includes Mrs. Norris.

Not allowed to train Hagrid's pets into biting Gryffindors.

May not call any members of the Ministry of Magic untrustworthy, corrupt slime. Not even Fudge. Ok, especially not Fudge.

Even if I still have the receipt for the last bribe I gave him from Lucius.

Must never tease Trelawney about what she puts in her incense.

May not sell any Weasley into slavery.

Gozer does not live in my supply cabinet. You'd be surprised what does, though.

The Forbidden Forest is not full of yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first-years that it is.

I cannot trade McGonagall to the Death-Eaters for McNair, Avery, and a player to be named later.

"Poppy" is Madam Pomfrey's nickname, and not what she dispenses.

May not conduct psychological experiments on staff members or students.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

While under Veritaserum.

'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long-term goal to give Lord Voldemort.

Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". Not even Pettigrew.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question Dumbledore asks me. Only Trelawney gets to do that.

Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on school time.

Must wash my hair even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

Must not taunt the Hufflepuffs.

Not allowed to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in Death-Eater recruiting posters. God only knows why.

Not allowed to put up Death-Eater recruiting posters on school property, not even in the Slytherin Common Room.

May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain(s) of command. Neither Dumbledore nor Voldemort have any sense of humor.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Professor Snape.

There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

Except Peeves.

Nerve gas is not funny, not even at a Dark Revel.

Must not tell any Death-Eater that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

May not hold sky-clad rituals in the Great Hall, no matter how much ore convenient it is than the actual sky.

Visiting Irish wizards are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

Potions Class should not end in tragedy.

I may not produce or perform in "Hogwarts: The Full Monty". Nor may I encourage any student or staff to do so.

Not even Madam Hooch.

May not use Harry Potter as a body shield if Voldemort invades the school.

May no longer decorate the Great Hall for any function.

May not give Professor Sprout any plant named "Audrey".

May not feed Longbottom to "Audrey".

May not bring Moaning Myrtle as my date to the Yule Ball.

May not put banned substances on the Gryffindor Quidditch brooms just before a match (see attached list).

May not encourage Fred or George Weasley to boobytrap the Sorting Hat.

May not bring Longbottom to any Death-Eater function in the hopes he will 'fix' Voldemort's latest potion.

Even if the resulting explosion will leave a smoking crater a quarter-mile in diameter, thus resolving at least two of my major problems.

May not taunt Lupin at Christmas time by singing "Silver Bells", repeatedly.

Or send Sirius Black a flea collar in Extra Large. Though he could use it. "Dances with wolves, sleeps with fleas".

When asked to give a few words at a ceremony or staff meeting, 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

Besides, that's Dumbledore's job.