Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2004-04-10 12:55 am
azurelunatic) wrote2004-04-10 12:55 am
Addendum: Terrible Tuesday
Eight years ago this July, my best friend nearly died. This is not the same best friend I have now. This was a different time, a different young man. There had been odd things going on all summer, and I was strung up to insane levels. I knew there was something happening, but I had no idea what. I was having difficulty telling reality from fantasy, and all I knew for certain was that there was something going on with the person who had root-level access on my mind, and it wasn't something good.
He survived. Sometimes, afterwards, I wished he hadn't, but on the whole I'm glad he did. He survived, and it'll soon be three years that I haven't stuttered often when I mention suicide, LSD, psychosis.
We were sixteen. We were on different sides of the country -- he, in Colorado with his father, I, his best friend and the only one he was really talking to, and that barely, in Alaska with obligations of my own. I knew there was something wrong, and I knew it was my responsibility to do something about it, but I didn't know what to do. I tried to hold together, I tried to be strong for myself, I tried to be strong for him, I tried to be strong for both of us. Suicide intervention counselors are trained, and don't get woken up out of what should have been a sound sleep when they're sick. They're supposed to talk calmly to complete strangers and have emergency response staff on call, not be left alone to deal with a hallucinating paranoid teenager.
He survived.
I survived.
It still re-visits me. I stopped stuttering and crying when telling the story in March of 2001. Maybe someday I will be able to tell it without the mask that falls over my face and emotions when I recall it now. I remember it at night sometimes. I don't always think of it when I have an ear infection anymore.
I forgave him in 2002, September. I had to. I don't think I've told him that, but I have forgiven him that.
He survived. Sometimes, afterwards, I wished he hadn't, but on the whole I'm glad he did. He survived, and it'll soon be three years that I haven't stuttered often when I mention suicide, LSD, psychosis.
We were sixteen. We were on different sides of the country -- he, in Colorado with his father, I, his best friend and the only one he was really talking to, and that barely, in Alaska with obligations of my own. I knew there was something wrong, and I knew it was my responsibility to do something about it, but I didn't know what to do. I tried to hold together, I tried to be strong for myself, I tried to be strong for him, I tried to be strong for both of us. Suicide intervention counselors are trained, and don't get woken up out of what should have been a sound sleep when they're sick. They're supposed to talk calmly to complete strangers and have emergency response staff on call, not be left alone to deal with a hallucinating paranoid teenager.
He survived.
I survived.
It still re-visits me. I stopped stuttering and crying when telling the story in March of 2001. Maybe someday I will be able to tell it without the mask that falls over my face and emotions when I recall it now. I remember it at night sometimes. I don't always think of it when I have an ear infection anymore.
I forgave him in 2002, September. I had to. I don't think I've told him that, but I have forgiven him that.
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I'd tell him you've forgiven him. It might make you feel better.
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However, there are so many other things for which I've not yet forgiven him, that I may hold off on letting him know about this one.
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He's managed to figure out that I am not so easily pushed around anymore. One night I was sitting with the computer, very upset/depressed over something, and he asked me to help him with something. I told him that no, I was depressed, and in no condition to help him. He helpfully told me that well, helping him would cheer me up! I declined to help him. This made him depressed. That cheered me up. I told him so. He pouted. I laughed.
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I've had to back away from people like that before. I feel bad for them, but they can suck the life right out of you and then some.
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