Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-02 03:56 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-02 03:56 pm
Freaking out
I seem to have been doing a lot of that lately, household-wise.
It's not anybody's fault, really. When someone, or someones, new move into somewhere, or damn near move in, there's a certain amount of household chaos and disruption that happens while things are settling down.
The latest:
I treat my glasses like dirt and my CD's like the finest crystal. I see no problem breathing on my glasses and scrubbing them on my shirt (cotton, of course, and semi-soft), but do the same to a CD? Never!
Well, of course, my glasses are far harder plastic than a CD is, and my eyes are biological analog systems that can make sense of the world around dirt, tearspecks, and scratches, and a CD player is a digital system that requires the medium to be unscratched and intact in order to work properly and not skip.
So I yelled, and that was the wrong thing to do. Yelped, more like it, and that caused upset and chaos and destruction.
It's not anybody's fault, really. When someone, or someones, new move into somewhere, or damn near move in, there's a certain amount of household chaos and disruption that happens while things are settling down.
The latest:
I treat my glasses like dirt and my CD's like the finest crystal. I see no problem breathing on my glasses and scrubbing them on my shirt (cotton, of course, and semi-soft), but do the same to a CD? Never!
Well, of course, my glasses are far harder plastic than a CD is, and my eyes are biological analog systems that can make sense of the world around dirt, tearspecks, and scratches, and a CD player is a digital system that requires the medium to be unscratched and intact in order to work properly and not skip.
So I yelled, and that was the wrong thing to do. Yelped, more like it, and that caused upset and chaos and destruction.
no subject
Sit down with the dear and talk about the fact that you have certain ways of doing things, and he probably has certain ways of doing things, and Votania has ways of doing things, and all of those are going to come into conflict pretty often in the first few weeks. Make sure you both know, realize, and accept this, and know in advance that you're likely to get pissed at each other at least a time or two. Apologize in advance *G* and then both of you make promises to *try* to stay calm when these things crop up and deal with them gently, knowing that neither of you is *trying* to tick each other off. :)
Communicate, communicate, communicate is not just the polyamorous mantra, it's the relationship-mantra in general. ^_^
==========
Comment on another post that I don't have time to go back and find...
FIVE YEARS? My gods, that would've been almost half my first marriage if we'd waited that long to get married. My marriage lasted 11 years; I think that's a decent enough track record, considering that it wasn't the relationship that broke, but rather I changed enough that we both realized it wasn't a good idea for us to be married anymore. We're still the best of friends. But Mark and I met in September, were engaged in November, and married in May, never having lived together a single day before our wedding. And that lasted 11 years.
I don't advocate it for everyone, but neither do I care for the blanket statements that one *has* to wait a specified amount of time before a relationship will work. It annoyed me whjen people said that Mark and I should have waited, that we'd never last (some of my relatives were taking bets that we wouldn't last a single year), and yet I know that the thing that came between us was the Only Single Thing that could ever have done so -- I changed my religion. (Yes, it's that important to him, and I don't belittle that.)
Chris and I met in May, engaged in July, and married in October. We've already had our first anniversary, and I don't expect to ever deal with another divorce. The One Single Thing that could've come between Mark and I wouldn't even phase this relationship. There is still a One Single Thing, but it hinges on *my* behaviour, and on a behaviour that I would never contemplate. There is no danger to our marriage.
I have no earthly idea how long our relationship with Pam will last, but I suspect it will be for quite a while. I also know that there will be no long-term commitments forthcoming any time soon. It's just a thing that I know; we're not ready. Mark and I were ready quickly. Chris and I were ready even more quickly (that's a nice thing about soulmates. ;) But Pam...well, we have a commitment to not date anyone else, but that's about it...and that's likely the only commitment that will be in existence between us for at least a year, maybe much longer.
Going to happen
The problem crops up when you have someone who has been conditioned (and boy would I love to get my hands on the parties responsible! though it would violate "harm none", I would completely satisfy the terms of "do what is right") to view every correction of behavior as a personal attack and "I don't like you because you do Bad Things" rather than "Hey, don't do that, I still love you".
Got any tips for deconditioning from that sort of abuse?
Re: Going to happen
Just lots of time, repetition, and reassurance. Talk to him during a non-emotional time and make sure he realizes that it's going to come up, and decide together on a "code phrase" where he knows that you're about to discuss something that you'd like for him to change, but that you're not mad at him. It will, over time, have the same sort of psychological effect as a safeword -- if he knows when you say, "This is one of those things," (however you phrase it), that he has to remember to not feel like he's being bashed.
It ain't gonna happen overnight, but as long as you make it a point to talk about it on a regular basis, during times when no one's upset, *not* just when it comes up, it'll work out.
Deconditioning
I think the worst problem of the moment is my PMS. I'm likely to go "AAACK!" rather than be calm. After the initial "AAACK!" I do calm down, but the "AAACK!" has already caused damage.
'Ni yells. :(
We'll work things out. We've been doing better today.
Waiting
And some people refuse to see that their husband is a psycho idiot who's abusive and liable to kill them.
Votania's allergic to marriage now. The one guy she would consider marrying, maybe (they most likely will wind up getting married, eventually) is currently in the middle of a nasty custody battle, and he feels it's wisest not to confuse the issue.
On the other hand, the other woman who's been in a similar situation that I can think of gets married again in a month. People who know her are shaking their heads, but all she seems to be able to see is that by marrying this guy, she'll be able to get out of the situation she's in. (It's really no fun for the Good Little Mormon Daughter to return home to the pagan household once she's a grown woman with adult kids...adult kids who take after Grandma...)
I don't particularly approve of serial divorces, which in this case seem to come from overenthusiastic optimism and faith in the good qualities of the human spirit, and then waking up *after* getting married... but divorce is certainly better than remaining in that sort of situation...
Having been soured on the situation from my latest attempt at a serious relationship, I say for myself that I doubt I'll get married any time soon, and that for my own protection I should enforce a waiting period on myself on any relationship that wouldn't be easy to get out of.
Some people get tattoos the same day they think of the idea, and are happy with the tattoos for a considerable length of time, say, twenty to forty years if not a lifetime. :D
Re: Waiting
And then some people just have lower standards of what it takes to make a happy relationship. :) These are my requirements:
1) a Good person
2) enjoy their company, like talking to each other
3) ability to compromise, to argue and come to a mutually agreeable solution on things
4) doesn't care about petty things
5) takes vows and commitments Seriously
Everything else can be compromised on; without these 5, any relationship will fail...sometimes miserably.
As you might suspect, that very short set of requirements means it's very easy for me to fall into a relationship. You really can judge these four things within a month or so...if you spend any decent amount of time in each other's company, you talk A LOT, and you're a good judge of character. Being an empath, it's pretty easy for me to tell when someone's being honest and straightforward. I may not always be able to tell *why* some people feel creepy or slimy in my head, but I know to keep away from them. Number 5 is probably the hardest to judge, but you can usually figure it out.
And yes, I will not judge whether a relationship is going to last until after there's been at least one argument. (One of the reasons, honestly, I still dunno about Pam. We haven't argued yet.) HOW someone argues is even more important than what they argue about.
Re: Waiting
BJ was not a good person. He may have been at some point, but he ceased to be at some point after we broke up. We were unable to compromise on certain essential things, and his argument style was not one I cared for (and I didn't very much like mine around him either). With BJ, I was afraid that if I gave him an inch, he would take over every thing that I cared about that we differed on. Living in fear for one's selfness is not a good way to conduct a relationship. Fortunately, I figured that one out before actually getting the legal paperwork done.
I was of two minds about BJ's company. About 70% of the time he was great to hang out with. The other 30% of the time, I wanted to hurt him. He was not great to hang out with then.
It's know thyself and what you're willing to deal with in another person. Adam and I might make a decent couple if I was compatible with his religious beliefs for him to marry. I'm a witch and a spiritual divorcee and my ex-husband still lives, so I'm out of the question. Adam and I know how to agree to disagree. BJ and I did not.