Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-04 03:00 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-04 03:00 pm
Recovery
Last night was just plain shitty. Everyone was touchy and easily upsettable. I said something that sent Votania to her room playing Korn very loudly. I sat in my room and felt miserable.
After I sent an apology to Votania, she did emerge and we had a talk.
I'm a different person around Darkside and I know it. I'm nice, polite, sweet, not as prone to depression, someone easy to love. (Does he love me?) Away from him, I'm odder, more easily made sad, different.
I like the person I am near him better. I've been trying to change myself so that I'm calm and happy whether I'm near him or away from him, so I can give to myself the same serenity and joy of heart, mind, spirit, that I have in his presence.
Self-changes are always the most difficult. The easy route would be to keep Darkside near me always. I could marry him, and never be apart from him, and I would be the person I desire to be without having to work at it a lot. That would be cheating, though. Until I am the person I am around Darkside all the time, I won't be worthy of him.
I strive to be worthy.
Last night, and for a long time before that, my mind lashed back and has been being other than what I strive to be to my roommates, while around Darkside I've been the same sweetheart as ever.
We figured this all out last night.
Then, later, Sabrina and I were discussing the situation with Neighbor, and I hit upon a very painful topic. There were hot words exchanged, and I ran off to my room and realized what a bitch I'd been. Fuck you very much, Shawn, for making me mind things like that. I would have been just fine, just fucking fine.
I came back out and we exchanged stories and cried on each other. I wound up with a nice batch of clogged sinuses.
It's all good, though, even though I'll be paying for my crying fit for a week. Today we're having aggravated monkey cheese (macaroni and cheese) for lunch.
After I sent an apology to Votania, she did emerge and we had a talk.
I'm a different person around Darkside and I know it. I'm nice, polite, sweet, not as prone to depression, someone easy to love. (Does he love me?) Away from him, I'm odder, more easily made sad, different.
I like the person I am near him better. I've been trying to change myself so that I'm calm and happy whether I'm near him or away from him, so I can give to myself the same serenity and joy of heart, mind, spirit, that I have in his presence.
Self-changes are always the most difficult. The easy route would be to keep Darkside near me always. I could marry him, and never be apart from him, and I would be the person I desire to be without having to work at it a lot. That would be cheating, though. Until I am the person I am around Darkside all the time, I won't be worthy of him.
I strive to be worthy.
Last night, and for a long time before that, my mind lashed back and has been being other than what I strive to be to my roommates, while around Darkside I've been the same sweetheart as ever.
We figured this all out last night.
Then, later, Sabrina and I were discussing the situation with Neighbor, and I hit upon a very painful topic. There were hot words exchanged, and I ran off to my room and realized what a bitch I'd been. Fuck you very much, Shawn, for making me mind things like that. I would have been just fine, just fucking fine.
I came back out and we exchanged stories and cried on each other. I wound up with a nice batch of clogged sinuses.
It's all good, though, even though I'll be paying for my crying fit for a week. Today we're having aggravated monkey cheese (macaroni and cheese) for lunch.
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