Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-18 08:36 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-01-18 08:36 am
WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD? (found in newsgroup by Darth Screen Capture)
(FADE IN)
(SCENE: The set of the galactic hit show, WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?
It is strong with the dark side of the Force. A place of evil it is.
In you must go.
A crowd of robed, hooded figures sits in bleachers around a circular
pit. In the center of the pit sit two chairs separated by a pair of
data displays.)
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, acolytes of evil from all over the galaxy converge
to take on their greatest challenge. Welcome to night 3,579 of WHO
WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD? With your host -- DARTH SIDIOUS!
(The robed figures erupt into applause. DARTH SIDIOUS strides into the
pit and stands beside the data displays.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Silence, vermin!
(The robed figures immediately fall silent and sit down.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Much better. Welcome, my friends, to WHO WANTS TO BE A
SITH LORD? As you know, here we seek a new apprentice, a new pupil to
assist me in my ultimate conquest of the galaxy. To those who win
through, there will be great rewards, including command of
planet-busting battlestations, oceans of blood to bathe in, and really
neat uniforms. For those who fail... there will come a time when they
pray for death. Are you ready?
(The crowd cheers.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Let us meet our contestants.
(Spotlights pick out figures seated around the periphery of the pit.
Sidious introduces each in turn.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: First, there is Aurra Sing, bounty hunter and
Force-sensitive from Tatooine.
(Aurra Sing regards the camera with a glare that is venomous, yet
somehow really sexy.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: And I am tempted to declare her my apprentice
immediately, but not even the possibilities inherent in those fingers
are enough to sway me from my purpose.
(Aurra Sing displays her fingers, along with a truly evil come-hither
look in Sidious' direction. Sidious mouths "CALL ME" before he moves
on.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Our next contestant is known only as Maul.
(Maul glowers at the camera. His horns protrude from a head covered in
blue and black tatoos.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: That name is known to me, but you are not. Are you
indeed related to my former apprentice, Darth Maul?
MAUL: I am his brother. I am a fanboy's pipe dream.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I see. Do you have a first name?
MAUL: Lenny.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I bid you welcome, Lenny Maul, and hope you prove more...
adaptable than your brother.
(Sidious moves on to the next contestant, a small, pot-bellied,
blue-skinned creature with ridiculous little wings that beat like mad to
keep the creature's bulk aloft in defiance of all physical laws.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Am I reading this correctly? "Waddo"?
WATTO: Dat's "Watto," thank you very much, mmmm.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You are a grimy, stunted growth of a rimworld trader.
What makes you think you can become a Sith?
WATTO: I want back at the Jedi, eeh! Mmm, they took me for everything,
hmmmmm!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Not quite everything.
(Sidious raises his hands. Lightning shoots from his fingers,
enveloping Watto in electricity. Watto shrieks and falls dead.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Phew... what a stench.
(Lenny Maul reaches down, tears one of Watto's legs off, and begins to
gnaw on it. Hooded figures bear Watto's body away.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: I believe our next contestant will be grateful to me for
that. Your name?
(Anakin Skywalker leans forward.)
ANAKIN: I'm Anakin Skywalker, my lord.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, yes: the hero of Naboo. Tell me: Is Senator
Palpatine as handsome as I've heard?
ANAKIN: Sir?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Never mind. Are the survivors ready? Then let's play
WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?!
(An ominous drum roll sounds. The lights in the pit fluctuate and focus
on the contestants.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: You should all be well aware of how this works. We ask
a Fastest Fingers question to select our first contestant for the hot
seat. The selection is based on who answers correctly in the fastest
time. Are you ready? It scarcely matters, because whether you are
ready or not, we begin NOW!
(There's another drum roll. The lights dim more.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: The Fastest Fingers question is this. Put the following
actions you would take in response to a rebellious planet in order from
first to last:
A. Send a Sith delegation to give a warning.
B. Send a small force of battleships to take out key military targets.
C. Kill the planet's leaders.
D. Sterilize the planet of all life forms and scatter their burning
atoms to the star winds.
Go!
(Sing, Maul, and Skywalker bend to their panels. Moments later, there
is an orchestra hit to signal that they've all finished.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. The correct answer, of course, is D, and
nothing else. Who got it in the fastest time? Ah, it was Maul.
Excellent. Join me in the hot seat, my potential apprentice.
(Thunderous applause and cheers from the hooded figures. Maul gets up
and strides gracefully to the hot seat. Sidious takes his own seat as
Maul climbs up. As Maul sits in the chair, he cries out.)
MAUL: Gaaahh!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes? What is it?
MAUL: This seat! It's as hot as hell's own furnaces!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Weak-minded fool! Why do you think it's called a hot
seat? Endure the pain for the glory of the Sith!
MAUL: ... I don't like this.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You will grow to like it, if you grow any further at
all. Now, you understand the mechanics of the testing: I will ask you
a series of multiple choice questions. You have three lifelines:
Holophone a Friend, 75:25, and Torture the Audience for Information.
Your reward for answering the questions correctly is your continued
life. If you miss a question, you will be instantly expunged from this
plane of existence, and disqualified from the contest. Are you ready to
play?
MAUL: Yes.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Your first question is:
What was the name of the Sith lord who ended the intramural bickering
that doomed all previous attempts by the Sith to take their rightful
place as masters of all?
A. Darth Bane
B. Darth Wayne
C. Darth Blaine
D. Darth Savage
MAUL: The answer is A, Darth Bane.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that... your FINAL answer?
MAUL: Yes. Darth Bane.
DARTH SIDIOUS: That is correct. Well done!
(The hooded figures erupt into applause again. They stomp their feet
and pump their hands in a raise-the-roof gesture, hooting and whooping.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Are you ready to proceed?
MAUL: Yes. Let's go, before this chair permanently brands my cheeks.
DARTH SIDIOUS: If you become a Sith, you will be branded in places...
that you would really prefer not to be branded in. Is that clear?
MAUL: ... Sort of.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Good. Your next question is:
What would a good name be for a battle station with the ability to
destroy entire planets?
A. Deep Space 9
B. Babylon 5
C. Tycho Base
D. The Death Star
MAUL: That's a tough one. May I use a lifeline?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Already?
MAUL: I'd like to Holophone a Friend.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Who will it be?
MAUL: I'd like to holophone Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies.
(A murmur sweeps through the audience.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: So, you have secured the services of the Teletubbies!
They would be a great asset. My minions at Galactic Holonet will get
Tinky Winky on the line.
(A holodisplay rises between the hot seats. A flickering hologram of
Tinky Winky appears on it.)
TINKY WINKY: Halloooo?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes, is this Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies?
TINKY WINKY: Tinky Winky!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Tinky Winky, this is Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the
Sith, calling from the set of WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD? I have Lenny
Maul here with me, and he requires your services. Do you understand?
TINKY WINKY: Lenny wenny! Lenny Lenny, naughty, no no!
MAUL: Tinky Winky, what is the best name for a battle station with the
ability to destroy an entire planet? Deep Space 9, Babylon 5, Tycho
Base, or Death Star?
TINKY WINKY: Oh, pretty pretty, battle station! Battle station pretty!
MAUL: Tinky, try to focus.
TINKY WINKY: Okay, okay, jeez, don't soil your robes! I'm thinking
here!
MAUL: Think faster. I could die, do you understand?
TINKY WINKY: Oh, all right. The answer is Death Star.
MAUL: How sure are you?
TINKY WINKY: I'm sure, okay? I'm sure! What, you're going to destroy
a planet with something as lame as Deep Space 9? What, it's supposed to
BORE them to death?
MAUL: All right.
TINKY WINKY: And one other thing. You were supposed to call me last
night. What's going on with us?
MAUL: Not now, Tink.
TINKY WINKY: I mean, sure, call me when you want a good time, call me
when you need a question answered. Can't you just call me to talk?
Can't we just TALK?
DARTH SIDIOUS: I'm sorry, your time is up.
TINKY WINKY: Hey, butt out! I --
(The hologram fades out.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well? Do you have an answer?
MAUL: He seemed pretty sure. I'll go with D, Death Star.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that your... FINAL answer?
MAUL: ... I think so. Yes. Final answer.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You get to live a while longer. D is correct!
(The hooded audience applauds and cheers again. They do the wave.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. You've answered two questions correctly.
Now --
MAUL: Excuse me, but how many of these do I have to answer?
DARTH SIDIOUS: As many as I deem necessary, young fool! Now, the next
question is:
When you are confronted by a Jedi Padawan, enraged because you have just
killed his master, and he leaps up from a pit you've knocked him into
and arms himself with his fallen master's weapon, and charges at you,
what do you do?
A. Dodge and block his attack.
B. Open a dialogue with him.
C. Let yourself be cut in half and cast down the same pit.
D. None of the above, because you killed him minutes ago, and you didn't
waste time gloating over his dangling form and give him the opportunity
to counterattack.
MAUL: Hmmm... It's like everybody says: they do get tougher as you go
along.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Talk yourself through it.
MAUL: Well... I'm pretty sure it's not B. Opening a dialogue is
against everything the Sith stand for.
DARTH SIDIOUS: So you're sure B is not the answer?
MAUL: I was until you said that.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Use your instincts. Stretch out with your hate.
MAUL: Then I'm sure. It's not B.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Which is it, then?
MAUL: I'm still thinking.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well, we know what your brother went with.
MAUL: He was a powerful Sith.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that what he told you? Bit of an exaggeration, I'm
afraid.
MAUL: Okay; I know it's not B.
DARTH SIDIOUS: That is established.
MAUL: Not B. Not B. Hmmmm... You know, I wanted to hang on to my
lifelines, but I don't see any other way. I'll take the 75:25.
DARTH SIDIOUS: The 75:25. Computer, take away one of the incorrect
answers, leaving him with three answers to choose from.
(Choice B disappears from the screen.)
MAUL: Ah-ha! I knew it!
DARTH SIDIOUS: But you still have three answers to choose from.
MAUL: Yes... yes, that is a problem. I hate to do it, my lord, but I'm
going to have to use my last lifeline.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Are you sure?
MAUL: Yes, I'm sure. I want to Torture the Audience for Information.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You heard him, dogs. Assume the position!
(With murmurs of protest, the hooded figures sit upright in their chairs
as manacles automatically clamp down over their wrists and ankles.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Now, Lenny... I should warn you, all of these creatures
are Force-sensitive. When we begin to torture them for you, their
collective distress may set up eddies in the Force which may produce
unpleasant results for the target of their anger. Which will be you.
Are you sure you want to continue?
MAUL: I'm sure. Juice 'em up.
(Darth Sidious makes a gesture. Electricity arcs through the manacles.
The hooded figures jerk and writhe in pain.
Abruptly, the current stops, and the hooded figures relax a bit,
breathing hard.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Now! Ask them, quickly!
MAUL: I want an answer! What should I do? Which choice is correct?
HOODED FIGURES: D! The answer is D, Your Darkness!
MAUL: I don't believe you! Hit them again!
(Electricity burns through them again. They writhe and scream in pain.
Suddenly, a ripple appears in the air behind Maul. A dimensional rift
opens in mid-air. A human figure leaps through it -- it's OBI-WAN
KENOBI, lightsaber blazing.
Maul leaps to his feet and stares at Kenobi, dumbstruck.)
KENOBI: Hah! Have at you!
(Kenobi lunges and cuts Maul in half.)
MAUL: Ulp!
(Kenobi disappears through the rift. Maul's halves fall to the floor.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: For the love of -- !
(The manacles on the audience release themselves. Aurra Sing and Anakin
gape at Maul's corpse.
The hooded audience members get up and start to do the limbo.)
DARTH MAUL: He just stood there and let himself be killed! He saw the
Jedi scum and he just STOOD THERE!
ANAKIN: Darth Sidious, sir? Does this mean we have a new Fastest
Fingers question?
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Well, yes. Of course it does.
AURRA SING: I want to protest. This... "Fastest Fingers" process...
(Sing holds up her hands.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, then I'm afraid you're disqualified.
AURRA SING: What? NO!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, don't worry, my precious. You will live. I have
need of you.
AURRA SING: ... Does it pay?
DARTH SIDIOUS: More than you can imagine.
AURRA SING: If it's what I think, it had better pay more than YOU can
imagine.
(Aurra Sing exits with a swivel of hips and a toss of her mohawk.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well, young Skywalker, I suppose you win the Fastest
Fingers by default.
ANAKIN: Yes, sir.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Then come, let us play WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?
(Anakin and Sidious take their places in the hot seats.)
ANAKIN: AIIIGGH!
DARTH SIDIOUS: The hot seat?
ANAKIN: I'm on FIRE! My body is DISSOLVING! Oh, the PAIN!!!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Don't worry; we'll fix you up, if you live. Are you
ready to play?
ANAKIN: Well, yes. Let's play.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You understand the lifelines and the rules. Your first
question is --
(Before Sidious can read the question, a flop-eared humanoid amphibian
leaps up from among the audience.)
JAR JAR BINKS: Annie, no! Yousa comin back to de Temple with me,
okeday?
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, get out of here!
DARTH SIDIOUS: "Annie"?
JAR JAR: Annie, yousa comin home!
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, leave!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Your name is Annie?
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, I can't believe you came here! You have to leave, now!
DARTH SIDIOUS: No, I'm sorry. I could take somebody named Lenny, but I
have to draw the line somewhere. I'm afraid you're disqualified.
ANAKIN: NO!
(Anakin raises his hand toward Jar Jar. Jar Jar grabs his throat as
cartilage crunches inside it.)
JAR JAR: Agggllh!
(Jar Jar's head flops over. He falls in a lifeless heap.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, well done... my young apprentice!
ANAKIN: D-does that mean -- ?!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes. You will be my new Sith Apprentice!
ANAKIN: I meant, does it mean I can get out of this CHAIR?!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, that. Yes.
(Anakin staggers up out of the seat, but his arms and legs, cooked to
the bone, tear off and stick to the chair. Anakin, a limbless trunk,
falls flat on his face and lies on the floor, moaning.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: And that will be all for this edition of WHO WANTS TO BE
A SITH LORD?! Congratulations to young Anakin Skywalker, our new Sith
Apprentice! Join us tomorrow night, when as a special guest we'll have
Queen Amidala of the Naboo, along with Anakin here, on a special edition
of WHO WANTS TO MARRY A SITH LORD? Until then!
(FADE OUT)
Other amusing tidbits dug up by Darth Screen-Capture availible at: http://www.darthscreencapture.com/
(SCENE: The set of the galactic hit show, WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?
It is strong with the dark side of the Force. A place of evil it is.
In you must go.
A crowd of robed, hooded figures sits in bleachers around a circular
pit. In the center of the pit sit two chairs separated by a pair of
data displays.)
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, acolytes of evil from all over the galaxy converge
to take on their greatest challenge. Welcome to night 3,579 of WHO
WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD? With your host -- DARTH SIDIOUS!
(The robed figures erupt into applause. DARTH SIDIOUS strides into the
pit and stands beside the data displays.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Silence, vermin!
(The robed figures immediately fall silent and sit down.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Much better. Welcome, my friends, to WHO WANTS TO BE A
SITH LORD? As you know, here we seek a new apprentice, a new pupil to
assist me in my ultimate conquest of the galaxy. To those who win
through, there will be great rewards, including command of
planet-busting battlestations, oceans of blood to bathe in, and really
neat uniforms. For those who fail... there will come a time when they
pray for death. Are you ready?
(The crowd cheers.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Let us meet our contestants.
(Spotlights pick out figures seated around the periphery of the pit.
Sidious introduces each in turn.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: First, there is Aurra Sing, bounty hunter and
Force-sensitive from Tatooine.
(Aurra Sing regards the camera with a glare that is venomous, yet
somehow really sexy.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: And I am tempted to declare her my apprentice
immediately, but not even the possibilities inherent in those fingers
are enough to sway me from my purpose.
(Aurra Sing displays her fingers, along with a truly evil come-hither
look in Sidious' direction. Sidious mouths "CALL ME" before he moves
on.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Our next contestant is known only as Maul.
(Maul glowers at the camera. His horns protrude from a head covered in
blue and black tatoos.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: That name is known to me, but you are not. Are you
indeed related to my former apprentice, Darth Maul?
MAUL: I am his brother. I am a fanboy's pipe dream.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I see. Do you have a first name?
MAUL: Lenny.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I bid you welcome, Lenny Maul, and hope you prove more...
adaptable than your brother.
(Sidious moves on to the next contestant, a small, pot-bellied,
blue-skinned creature with ridiculous little wings that beat like mad to
keep the creature's bulk aloft in defiance of all physical laws.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Am I reading this correctly? "Waddo"?
WATTO: Dat's "Watto," thank you very much, mmmm.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You are a grimy, stunted growth of a rimworld trader.
What makes you think you can become a Sith?
WATTO: I want back at the Jedi, eeh! Mmm, they took me for everything,
hmmmmm!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Not quite everything.
(Sidious raises his hands. Lightning shoots from his fingers,
enveloping Watto in electricity. Watto shrieks and falls dead.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Phew... what a stench.
(Lenny Maul reaches down, tears one of Watto's legs off, and begins to
gnaw on it. Hooded figures bear Watto's body away.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: I believe our next contestant will be grateful to me for
that. Your name?
(Anakin Skywalker leans forward.)
ANAKIN: I'm Anakin Skywalker, my lord.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, yes: the hero of Naboo. Tell me: Is Senator
Palpatine as handsome as I've heard?
ANAKIN: Sir?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Never mind. Are the survivors ready? Then let's play
WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?!
(An ominous drum roll sounds. The lights in the pit fluctuate and focus
on the contestants.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: You should all be well aware of how this works. We ask
a Fastest Fingers question to select our first contestant for the hot
seat. The selection is based on who answers correctly in the fastest
time. Are you ready? It scarcely matters, because whether you are
ready or not, we begin NOW!
(There's another drum roll. The lights dim more.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: The Fastest Fingers question is this. Put the following
actions you would take in response to a rebellious planet in order from
first to last:
A. Send a Sith delegation to give a warning.
B. Send a small force of battleships to take out key military targets.
C. Kill the planet's leaders.
D. Sterilize the planet of all life forms and scatter their burning
atoms to the star winds.
Go!
(Sing, Maul, and Skywalker bend to their panels. Moments later, there
is an orchestra hit to signal that they've all finished.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. The correct answer, of course, is D, and
nothing else. Who got it in the fastest time? Ah, it was Maul.
Excellent. Join me in the hot seat, my potential apprentice.
(Thunderous applause and cheers from the hooded figures. Maul gets up
and strides gracefully to the hot seat. Sidious takes his own seat as
Maul climbs up. As Maul sits in the chair, he cries out.)
MAUL: Gaaahh!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes? What is it?
MAUL: This seat! It's as hot as hell's own furnaces!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Weak-minded fool! Why do you think it's called a hot
seat? Endure the pain for the glory of the Sith!
MAUL: ... I don't like this.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You will grow to like it, if you grow any further at
all. Now, you understand the mechanics of the testing: I will ask you
a series of multiple choice questions. You have three lifelines:
Holophone a Friend, 75:25, and Torture the Audience for Information.
Your reward for answering the questions correctly is your continued
life. If you miss a question, you will be instantly expunged from this
plane of existence, and disqualified from the contest. Are you ready to
play?
MAUL: Yes.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Your first question is:
What was the name of the Sith lord who ended the intramural bickering
that doomed all previous attempts by the Sith to take their rightful
place as masters of all?
A. Darth Bane
B. Darth Wayne
C. Darth Blaine
D. Darth Savage
MAUL: The answer is A, Darth Bane.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that... your FINAL answer?
MAUL: Yes. Darth Bane.
DARTH SIDIOUS: That is correct. Well done!
(The hooded figures erupt into applause again. They stomp their feet
and pump their hands in a raise-the-roof gesture, hooting and whooping.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Are you ready to proceed?
MAUL: Yes. Let's go, before this chair permanently brands my cheeks.
DARTH SIDIOUS: If you become a Sith, you will be branded in places...
that you would really prefer not to be branded in. Is that clear?
MAUL: ... Sort of.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Good. Your next question is:
What would a good name be for a battle station with the ability to
destroy entire planets?
A. Deep Space 9
B. Babylon 5
C. Tycho Base
D. The Death Star
MAUL: That's a tough one. May I use a lifeline?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Already?
MAUL: I'd like to Holophone a Friend.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. Who will it be?
MAUL: I'd like to holophone Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies.
(A murmur sweeps through the audience.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: So, you have secured the services of the Teletubbies!
They would be a great asset. My minions at Galactic Holonet will get
Tinky Winky on the line.
(A holodisplay rises between the hot seats. A flickering hologram of
Tinky Winky appears on it.)
TINKY WINKY: Halloooo?
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes, is this Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies?
TINKY WINKY: Tinky Winky!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Tinky Winky, this is Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the
Sith, calling from the set of WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD? I have Lenny
Maul here with me, and he requires your services. Do you understand?
TINKY WINKY: Lenny wenny! Lenny Lenny, naughty, no no!
MAUL: Tinky Winky, what is the best name for a battle station with the
ability to destroy an entire planet? Deep Space 9, Babylon 5, Tycho
Base, or Death Star?
TINKY WINKY: Oh, pretty pretty, battle station! Battle station pretty!
MAUL: Tinky, try to focus.
TINKY WINKY: Okay, okay, jeez, don't soil your robes! I'm thinking
here!
MAUL: Think faster. I could die, do you understand?
TINKY WINKY: Oh, all right. The answer is Death Star.
MAUL: How sure are you?
TINKY WINKY: I'm sure, okay? I'm sure! What, you're going to destroy
a planet with something as lame as Deep Space 9? What, it's supposed to
BORE them to death?
MAUL: All right.
TINKY WINKY: And one other thing. You were supposed to call me last
night. What's going on with us?
MAUL: Not now, Tink.
TINKY WINKY: I mean, sure, call me when you want a good time, call me
when you need a question answered. Can't you just call me to talk?
Can't we just TALK?
DARTH SIDIOUS: I'm sorry, your time is up.
TINKY WINKY: Hey, butt out! I --
(The hologram fades out.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well? Do you have an answer?
MAUL: He seemed pretty sure. I'll go with D, Death Star.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that your... FINAL answer?
MAUL: ... I think so. Yes. Final answer.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You get to live a while longer. D is correct!
(The hooded audience applauds and cheers again. They do the wave.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Very well. You've answered two questions correctly.
Now --
MAUL: Excuse me, but how many of these do I have to answer?
DARTH SIDIOUS: As many as I deem necessary, young fool! Now, the next
question is:
When you are confronted by a Jedi Padawan, enraged because you have just
killed his master, and he leaps up from a pit you've knocked him into
and arms himself with his fallen master's weapon, and charges at you,
what do you do?
A. Dodge and block his attack.
B. Open a dialogue with him.
C. Let yourself be cut in half and cast down the same pit.
D. None of the above, because you killed him minutes ago, and you didn't
waste time gloating over his dangling form and give him the opportunity
to counterattack.
MAUL: Hmmm... It's like everybody says: they do get tougher as you go
along.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Talk yourself through it.
MAUL: Well... I'm pretty sure it's not B. Opening a dialogue is
against everything the Sith stand for.
DARTH SIDIOUS: So you're sure B is not the answer?
MAUL: I was until you said that.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Use your instincts. Stretch out with your hate.
MAUL: Then I'm sure. It's not B.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Which is it, then?
MAUL: I'm still thinking.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well, we know what your brother went with.
MAUL: He was a powerful Sith.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Is that what he told you? Bit of an exaggeration, I'm
afraid.
MAUL: Okay; I know it's not B.
DARTH SIDIOUS: That is established.
MAUL: Not B. Not B. Hmmmm... You know, I wanted to hang on to my
lifelines, but I don't see any other way. I'll take the 75:25.
DARTH SIDIOUS: The 75:25. Computer, take away one of the incorrect
answers, leaving him with three answers to choose from.
(Choice B disappears from the screen.)
MAUL: Ah-ha! I knew it!
DARTH SIDIOUS: But you still have three answers to choose from.
MAUL: Yes... yes, that is a problem. I hate to do it, my lord, but I'm
going to have to use my last lifeline.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Are you sure?
MAUL: Yes, I'm sure. I want to Torture the Audience for Information.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You heard him, dogs. Assume the position!
(With murmurs of protest, the hooded figures sit upright in their chairs
as manacles automatically clamp down over their wrists and ankles.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Now, Lenny... I should warn you, all of these creatures
are Force-sensitive. When we begin to torture them for you, their
collective distress may set up eddies in the Force which may produce
unpleasant results for the target of their anger. Which will be you.
Are you sure you want to continue?
MAUL: I'm sure. Juice 'em up.
(Darth Sidious makes a gesture. Electricity arcs through the manacles.
The hooded figures jerk and writhe in pain.
Abruptly, the current stops, and the hooded figures relax a bit,
breathing hard.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Now! Ask them, quickly!
MAUL: I want an answer! What should I do? Which choice is correct?
HOODED FIGURES: D! The answer is D, Your Darkness!
MAUL: I don't believe you! Hit them again!
(Electricity burns through them again. They writhe and scream in pain.
Suddenly, a ripple appears in the air behind Maul. A dimensional rift
opens in mid-air. A human figure leaps through it -- it's OBI-WAN
KENOBI, lightsaber blazing.
Maul leaps to his feet and stares at Kenobi, dumbstruck.)
KENOBI: Hah! Have at you!
(Kenobi lunges and cuts Maul in half.)
MAUL: Ulp!
(Kenobi disappears through the rift. Maul's halves fall to the floor.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: For the love of -- !
(The manacles on the audience release themselves. Aurra Sing and Anakin
gape at Maul's corpse.
The hooded audience members get up and start to do the limbo.)
DARTH MAUL: He just stood there and let himself be killed! He saw the
Jedi scum and he just STOOD THERE!
ANAKIN: Darth Sidious, sir? Does this mean we have a new Fastest
Fingers question?
DARTH SIDIOUS: What? Well, yes. Of course it does.
AURRA SING: I want to protest. This... "Fastest Fingers" process...
(Sing holds up her hands.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, then I'm afraid you're disqualified.
AURRA SING: What? NO!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, don't worry, my precious. You will live. I have
need of you.
AURRA SING: ... Does it pay?
DARTH SIDIOUS: More than you can imagine.
AURRA SING: If it's what I think, it had better pay more than YOU can
imagine.
(Aurra Sing exits with a swivel of hips and a toss of her mohawk.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Well, young Skywalker, I suppose you win the Fastest
Fingers by default.
ANAKIN: Yes, sir.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Then come, let us play WHO WANTS TO BE A SITH LORD?
(Anakin and Sidious take their places in the hot seats.)
ANAKIN: AIIIGGH!
DARTH SIDIOUS: The hot seat?
ANAKIN: I'm on FIRE! My body is DISSOLVING! Oh, the PAIN!!!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Don't worry; we'll fix you up, if you live. Are you
ready to play?
ANAKIN: Well, yes. Let's play.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You understand the lifelines and the rules. Your first
question is --
(Before Sidious can read the question, a flop-eared humanoid amphibian
leaps up from among the audience.)
JAR JAR BINKS: Annie, no! Yousa comin back to de Temple with me,
okeday?
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, get out of here!
DARTH SIDIOUS: "Annie"?
JAR JAR: Annie, yousa comin home!
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, leave!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Your name is Annie?
ANAKIN: Jar Jar, I can't believe you came here! You have to leave, now!
DARTH SIDIOUS: No, I'm sorry. I could take somebody named Lenny, but I
have to draw the line somewhere. I'm afraid you're disqualified.
ANAKIN: NO!
(Anakin raises his hand toward Jar Jar. Jar Jar grabs his throat as
cartilage crunches inside it.)
JAR JAR: Agggllh!
(Jar Jar's head flops over. He falls in a lifeless heap.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: Ah, well done... my young apprentice!
ANAKIN: D-does that mean -- ?!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Yes. You will be my new Sith Apprentice!
ANAKIN: I meant, does it mean I can get out of this CHAIR?!
DARTH SIDIOUS: Oh, that. Yes.
(Anakin staggers up out of the seat, but his arms and legs, cooked to
the bone, tear off and stick to the chair. Anakin, a limbless trunk,
falls flat on his face and lies on the floor, moaning.)
DARTH SIDIOUS: And that will be all for this edition of WHO WANTS TO BE
A SITH LORD?! Congratulations to young Anakin Skywalker, our new Sith
Apprentice! Join us tomorrow night, when as a special guest we'll have
Queen Amidala of the Naboo, along with Anakin here, on a special edition
of WHO WANTS TO MARRY A SITH LORD? Until then!
(FADE OUT)
Other amusing tidbits dug up by Darth Screen-Capture availible at: http://www.darthscreencapture.com/