Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2004-09-23 03:19 am
azurelunatic) wrote2004-09-23 03:19 am
Helpless vs. in need of aid
I must admit that I might at some point in time use the "in need of aid" tactic to get the attention of a potential mate. The scenario is as old as courtship -- Strong Male (well, usually...) comes on the scene. Attractive Female is present. Attractive Female suddenly needs assistance with something. Strong Male bounds into action, and aids the Attractive Female, who is properly delighted.
There's a difference, though, between "acting helpless" and "being in need of aid".
I find it incredibly offensive when anyone acts helpless -- pretending as if, without immediate help, they would be utterly lost and confused and possibly in very real trouble, as if they could not take adequate care of themselves without the help of someone else. It's perfectly fine to genuinely be helpless every now and then -- it happens to everyone. But I view the deliberate feigning of utter incompetence at something the person is actually half-decent at, especially when it's mission-critical, as an insult to the intelligence of the target, an insult to the collective competence of the gender so misrepresented, and a "crying wolf" effect.
If I need some help shoveling my car out of a phreaking ditch, I need some help shoveling my car out of the goddamn ditch, and not some testosterone-crazed twits shoveling me out and then proceeding to mack on me like there's no tomorrow because they have assumed it was a blatant ploy for attention.
As far as the in-need-of-aid flirtation strategy goes, I like to pick something that I know the target to be interested in and good at, yet not mission-critical, so they have a real choice at whether or not to come to my aid, rather than a situation where the only decent thing to do is to give aid. Since I go for geekboys, and I want the kind of geekboy who is attracted to geeky girls, I want to appear in need of minor aid in such a way that I display my true competence as well.
Perhaps I have a buggy program, and I haven't tracked down all the errors yet. I am capable of doing a lot of that myself (and everyone needs a little help on the stubborn ones), but it's always nice to get a second opinion. I could solicit the second opinion from the passing cute guy. Maybe my layout is a little funky, and I really want to know which way it looks better, this way, or that way. Or maybe it's something physical. I'm changing a tire, and my arm strength might be a little sub-par to get the air-wrench-tightened nuts off on the first try. I could give the lever a good kick, or I could tell the person who's just pulled over to see if I need some help that yeah, I could use another bit of muscle over here; it's already jacked up and ready to go...
This may exaggerate my need of aid a little, but it's legit, and it's a strategy that offers a person a choice of whether or not to help. It should be an opportunity for aid, also, that allows them to excel at something they do well. Not only do I get the assistance I need, but they get to show off any prowess they may have. I would not ask Darkside, say, to display his strength by helping me change a stubborn tire. He is tough, but we both know that I am stronger. (The last time there was tire-changing going on with the two of us, I was the one who stepped in and got his nuts off when they proved too stiff for him to handle.)
Another, pressing, reason that I don't like using a situation of helplessness as an opportunity to flirt is that it may set up an atmosphere of expectation or entitlement on the part of those who have just played the part of Knight in Shining Armor. They have done their part in rescuing the lovely swooning maid, and now they want their reward. A more difficult rescue usually demands a larger reward, and for an initial flirtatious move, I do not want help that requires more than a smile and a heartfelt "Thank you!" in return. After all, much of the time, I wouldn't actually know them, especially if the situation is a "getting your attention" or "getting to know you" social maneuver.
There's a difference, though, between "acting helpless" and "being in need of aid".
I find it incredibly offensive when anyone acts helpless -- pretending as if, without immediate help, they would be utterly lost and confused and possibly in very real trouble, as if they could not take adequate care of themselves without the help of someone else. It's perfectly fine to genuinely be helpless every now and then -- it happens to everyone. But I view the deliberate feigning of utter incompetence at something the person is actually half-decent at, especially when it's mission-critical, as an insult to the intelligence of the target, an insult to the collective competence of the gender so misrepresented, and a "crying wolf" effect.
If I need some help shoveling my car out of a phreaking ditch, I need some help shoveling my car out of the goddamn ditch, and not some testosterone-crazed twits shoveling me out and then proceeding to mack on me like there's no tomorrow because they have assumed it was a blatant ploy for attention.
As far as the in-need-of-aid flirtation strategy goes, I like to pick something that I know the target to be interested in and good at, yet not mission-critical, so they have a real choice at whether or not to come to my aid, rather than a situation where the only decent thing to do is to give aid. Since I go for geekboys, and I want the kind of geekboy who is attracted to geeky girls, I want to appear in need of minor aid in such a way that I display my true competence as well.
Perhaps I have a buggy program, and I haven't tracked down all the errors yet. I am capable of doing a lot of that myself (and everyone needs a little help on the stubborn ones), but it's always nice to get a second opinion. I could solicit the second opinion from the passing cute guy. Maybe my layout is a little funky, and I really want to know which way it looks better, this way, or that way. Or maybe it's something physical. I'm changing a tire, and my arm strength might be a little sub-par to get the air-wrench-tightened nuts off on the first try. I could give the lever a good kick, or I could tell the person who's just pulled over to see if I need some help that yeah, I could use another bit of muscle over here; it's already jacked up and ready to go...
This may exaggerate my need of aid a little, but it's legit, and it's a strategy that offers a person a choice of whether or not to help. It should be an opportunity for aid, also, that allows them to excel at something they do well. Not only do I get the assistance I need, but they get to show off any prowess they may have. I would not ask Darkside, say, to display his strength by helping me change a stubborn tire. He is tough, but we both know that I am stronger. (The last time there was tire-changing going on with the two of us, I was the one who stepped in and got his nuts off when they proved too stiff for him to handle.)
Another, pressing, reason that I don't like using a situation of helplessness as an opportunity to flirt is that it may set up an atmosphere of expectation or entitlement on the part of those who have just played the part of Knight in Shining Armor. They have done their part in rescuing the lovely swooning maid, and now they want their reward. A more difficult rescue usually demands a larger reward, and for an initial flirtatious move, I do not want help that requires more than a smile and a heartfelt "Thank you!" in return. After all, much of the time, I wouldn't actually know them, especially if the situation is a "getting your attention" or "getting to know you" social maneuver.
no subject
usually, it is in the name of efficency (i can get it done more quickly..), but occasionally it is just because i can.
all i can say is that i was raised in the south, and i have found that.. say when stranded with a flat tire i can change better than most men, but not really caring to get dirty on my way to wherever... it is much easier to just put on my "oh fiddle-dee-dee" face and let all those nice southern gentlemen use the instincts beaten into them by good southern mamas.
the entitlement thing rarely plays into it... southern gentlemen rush to the aid because they have been told time and again it is pretty much why they draw breath.
heh.
no subject
Using it in the "ladies don't do this" thing is more of a cultural thing, and therefore Bizarre And Not To Be Touched Without Ten Foot Pole, as long as the gentlemen are gentlemen and don't take advantage of the situation.
no subject
He couldn't find them and I said I'd call for some help and be home soon.
Instead, he came to the nail salon and waited with me for the guy to come. He said, "Well, I needed to come rescue you".
Excuuuuuuuuse me????
I did NOT need rescuing!!! I was completely offended!!!
There was a problem and I was handling it.
WTF does he need/want me to be dependent on him? He's going to be gone the vast majority of the time; one would think he'd realize that an independent woman is a much better ideal for him than one incapable of handling situations.
no subject
Eventually.
no subject
In this circumstance, a nice, "Well, I didn't need you to, but if it makes you feel better, okay," works wonders, at both self-assertion, and calming the silly boy.
no subject
no subject
At first, I took offense because I was fixated on the fact that it appeared as though he didn't think I could handle the situation.
After some time (and wine), I realized that the situation had very little to do with me - and much more to do with him. He DOES need to feel needed. And I, as a single mom for the last 10 years, struggle with the concept that I might be anything other than competent.
Not a game player
Oh I hate game playing in relationships. Any relationships.
But especially games that then set up expectations that *other* people have to deal with later... like all these I'm helpless/help me flirting tactics. And worse... it can even eventually cripple the "flirt-ers" themselves.
I have a friend who uses flirting to get things done because she has convinced herself over the years that she really is too helpless and incompetent to handle 70% of life. It is very sad.
Re: Not a game player
I don't object to minor flirtation to help smooth out day-to-day situations -- I have this habit of infectious happiness, so when I'm dealing with computer problems or something, I wind up being cheerful and charming and smiling a lot at the poor goon at the other end of the phone, while at the same time trying to beat the "females don't know anything about computers" stereotype down into the ground. If I'm turning on my charm correctly, it winds up being them doing their job extra-well in return for my extra-niceness, rather than me being extra-nice because they've done their job extra-well.
And really, competence and a smile are far hotter than cluelessness and a smile.
Re: Not a game player
Yes they are. ^_^
Re: Not a game player