Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-07 12:06 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-07 12:06 am
Fragmentation Grenade
...In light of the anticipated problems, I think it may be best to split again. ...Why do I announce this?
Well, first, some history. From 1994 until 2001, this person you know here as Azure Lunatic was not one, but four. Or so.
If you haven't read it, I suggest investigating Lois McMaster Bujold's Mirror Dance, and pay especial attention to Mark's character evolution. His mental situation came about under torture. Mine came about under boredom: I had no one to talk to, so I created my own.
My first alternate personality was the inimitable Shanna, who has stuck by me through the years. She showed up in my novel, initially, by the name of Diane Swiftclaw, and established herself as a smartass individual who made rude, lewd, crude, and otherwise socially unacceptable comments (hilarious, though!) giving rise to the phrase, "Shut up, Shanna!" which all my good friends from that point on came to know. Any time you said anything that could be construed as sexual innuendo (or turned into such by a devotedly sick mind), Shanna was there to raise an eyebrow and telepathically implant the sick joke into the minds of all those around.
Shanna had a secret duty, to keep Joan-prime from knowing how depressed she really was.
Joan-prime is much the me you know and love. The original personality from birth, the most common expression of the singular soul found in the body. Prone to depression, unfortunately. If the emotional memories of the bad points are kept locked away from her, she does just fine, although slightly spacey when it comes to certain of the days that hide under a black fog.
Mona is the silent one, holding the most deep emotions, and is nearly functionally mute. It takes a supreme act of Will (approximately as much of an effort as it takes me to say the words "I love you" to Darkside's face) for her to speak. Instead, she fingerspells or writes. Mona was the second of the extra personalities to show up.
Azz is the latecomer. There have always been four primary recurring personalities; my head cannot hold any more. Joan-prime stays; Shanna stays; Mona cannot be deleted, though I believe at one or more points she was the victim of a Joan-internal mental suicide/murder; the fourth position is much like the position of the Ninth Auditor. The fourth personality is the trial personality, the impermanent one, the one that has a task and then will stay or go as circumstances dictate. Holding that place have been the Vulcan (Shanna was originally a green Orion dancing girl), the Klingon, and perhaps a few others. As the fourth personality evolves, she eventually merges with Shanna.
Azure Lunatic was originally a Malkavian for a particularly fun LARP of White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade. She has variably blue hair, wears all white and sometimes a crucifix or rosary, always a wedding band, is inclined to talk to God, and has a tendency to point out wood wherever it may occur in her general vicinity. This often includes picnic tables or trees or buildings, and happens as such: Lunatic sees, Lunatic approaches wood; Lunatic raps the object with her knuckles and pronounces, "Wood," solemnly; however, objects indicated in this manner may also include the head of someone who has just made a particularly idiotic comment.
Also in the Lunatic's endearing traits is a habit of grinning and showing fangs; this is an Evil Grin, and unsettles people in the area.
Azure Lunatic is completely nuts.
Before the Joan Collective merged in spring 2001 (this predates the livejournal), Shanna and Azz were well on their way to merging. I shudder to think of who will spring up next.
You see, the only way I think I can get out of this one sane is by splitting. Again.
Well, first, some history. From 1994 until 2001, this person you know here as Azure Lunatic was not one, but four. Or so.
If you haven't read it, I suggest investigating Lois McMaster Bujold's Mirror Dance, and pay especial attention to Mark's character evolution. His mental situation came about under torture. Mine came about under boredom: I had no one to talk to, so I created my own.
My first alternate personality was the inimitable Shanna, who has stuck by me through the years. She showed up in my novel, initially, by the name of Diane Swiftclaw, and established herself as a smartass individual who made rude, lewd, crude, and otherwise socially unacceptable comments (hilarious, though!) giving rise to the phrase, "Shut up, Shanna!" which all my good friends from that point on came to know. Any time you said anything that could be construed as sexual innuendo (or turned into such by a devotedly sick mind), Shanna was there to raise an eyebrow and telepathically implant the sick joke into the minds of all those around.
Shanna had a secret duty, to keep Joan-prime from knowing how depressed she really was.
Joan-prime is much the me you know and love. The original personality from birth, the most common expression of the singular soul found in the body. Prone to depression, unfortunately. If the emotional memories of the bad points are kept locked away from her, she does just fine, although slightly spacey when it comes to certain of the days that hide under a black fog.
Mona is the silent one, holding the most deep emotions, and is nearly functionally mute. It takes a supreme act of Will (approximately as much of an effort as it takes me to say the words "I love you" to Darkside's face) for her to speak. Instead, she fingerspells or writes. Mona was the second of the extra personalities to show up.
Azz is the latecomer. There have always been four primary recurring personalities; my head cannot hold any more. Joan-prime stays; Shanna stays; Mona cannot be deleted, though I believe at one or more points she was the victim of a Joan-internal mental suicide/murder; the fourth position is much like the position of the Ninth Auditor. The fourth personality is the trial personality, the impermanent one, the one that has a task and then will stay or go as circumstances dictate. Holding that place have been the Vulcan (Shanna was originally a green Orion dancing girl), the Klingon, and perhaps a few others. As the fourth personality evolves, she eventually merges with Shanna.
Azure Lunatic was originally a Malkavian for a particularly fun LARP of White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade. She has variably blue hair, wears all white and sometimes a crucifix or rosary, always a wedding band, is inclined to talk to God, and has a tendency to point out wood wherever it may occur in her general vicinity. This often includes picnic tables or trees or buildings, and happens as such: Lunatic sees, Lunatic approaches wood; Lunatic raps the object with her knuckles and pronounces, "Wood," solemnly; however, objects indicated in this manner may also include the head of someone who has just made a particularly idiotic comment.
Also in the Lunatic's endearing traits is a habit of grinning and showing fangs; this is an Evil Grin, and unsettles people in the area.
Azure Lunatic is completely nuts.
Before the Joan Collective merged in spring 2001 (this predates the livejournal), Shanna and Azz were well on their way to merging. I shudder to think of who will spring up next.
You see, the only way I think I can get out of this one sane is by splitting. Again.
no subject
Your senses are giving you danger signals. You are accepting other people's version of reality and attempting to impose it over your own by telling yourself it is "just jealousy".
DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF.
I don't care what it is you are feeling, what the circumstances are, today or ten years from now...the fact that someone else has a different opinion or viewpoint does not invalidate your own. Just because someone else dismisses the input your senses are giving your brain as false data does not mean it is.
The thing is, you can't make your brain dis-believe the information it receives. You can try, but you can't actually make it. If your aural nerves interpret a sound as bells, you can't tell your brain that no, that's chainsaws. If your optical nerves tell your brain "blue" you can't convince your brain that it's actually red. And if your Other senses tell you "danger", you will not be able to convince yourself that there is none, even if other people tell you that is the case...and therein lies insanity, I promise you. Because what you CAN do is create two versions of reality in your head: one that your senses tell you is true, and your body naturally attempts to react to, and the other that you tell yourself MUST be true, and if you see something else, then you're crazy...
If splitting is what you need to do to keep Joan intact, then so be it. But I don't think it's the right answer right now, and I think that's why you were trying to get ahold of me last night. What you really need to do is trust yourself. Let Joan be strong enough to stand up for herself, for her own perceptions, without needing others to run interference for her. You are not wrong, you are not crazy, and you are not jealous. Worried for someone you care about because you believe they are treading a dangerous path is not jealousy. He merely tells you it is jealousy to belittle your opinion because he doesn't like it or accept it. And you are letting him convince you because no one else sees what you see...that doesn't mean that what you see isn't there. Find your own truth, dear, don't let someone else force theirs on you.
I'm going to make a post on my journal that only you can see with all my contact info. Let me know when you've got it, and I'll delete it.
no subject
no subject
Senses: "Danger! Panic! Panic! Code Red!"
Imp-Sec Analyst: "Uh-oh, prepare for trouble. Calmly. Calmly. We don't need anyone else who doesn't need-to-know getting wind of this..."
Re:
no subject
Give up yourself, and I'll give you what you're begging for...
I cannot give up my heart, even for my heart's desire. ...Who isn't Adam in the first place, the rat!