Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-09 03:38 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-09 03:38 am
Well, that was interesting.
Called Adam and hashed out some ground rules.
When he files a flight plan with the Temple before leaving (i.e., "I'll be home in time for dinner,") if that plan changes, he's to call in as soon as he finds out what is going on, or definitely before midnight if he's not back by then.
I am not a person who deals well with last-minute changes of plan. I am fairly OK with things happening if there was nothing scheduled to happen, but having things happen other than what was scheduled to happen really messes with my entire day. It pulls an emotional reaction more appropriate for a five-year-old out of me, often complete with crying and sulking about it.
One instance that recalls itself to my mind was when my family had planned to go to a particular friends' house for the Fourth of July. We had been out late getting hay the day before, and I hadn't gotten in until very late -- early that morning, to be precise. When I did wake up the next day, I meandered about the house for about an hour, expecting to see signs of preparation to go visit our friends. When I finally saw none, and it was getting almost to the time when it would be too late to set out, I asked were we going or not. Upon getting the answer that we were not, I felt an emotional reaction very similar to getting punched unexpectedly in the stomach. I controlled my outward reaction so that I did not burst into tears like I felt like, said something polite, and went back upstairs, took a sleeping pill, and slept for another twelve hours.
That was a reaction you might expect out of someone maximum fourteen years old. I was eighteen -- no, by that time, I was nineteen. I work well within a structured environment. Left without structure to my time, I become quickly nocturnal, setting bedtime back another hour or two per night.
My mind fiercely clings to any structure set down as Absolutely Necessarily Happening. If someone declares, "We might go to the mall tomorrow," for example, and I plan to go to the mall, if going to the mall is something that does not happen often, especially if it is something that does not happen often because there are few times when this is feasible, my mind is set on this needing to happen in order for me to be happy with the day. I expect things. If my expectations are not met, my mental state is disrupted and remains disrupted until reset.
If, however, the declaration is made, "We might go to the mall tomorrow, or we might just stay home, or we might go shopping for groceries instead," my mind becomes prepared for one of several eventualities. When my mind is prepared for several things happening, an unanticipated change to plans is not destructive.
Note that things such as natural disasters happening, for example, a planned excursion cancelled by several feet of snow, are not half that upsetting. It naturally follows that if some event happens that would reasonably prevent a plan from manifesting itself, then it's not going to happen; my mind is prepared to accept cancellations of that variety. If Adam is in fact too drunk to walk home, and he has no ride, he will not be expected home. If, on the other hand, Adam is physically capable of walking home, has an available ride home, and had stated a plan to be home, a sudden and late-announced change of plan to not be home will not be well-received.
It's the late announcement of a change of plan that really ticks me off. If a change is announced well in advance of when a planned event is to occur, I have time to adjust my thinking to a universe that does not include this event occuring at the scheduled time. If, however, I am anticipating that something will happen, and I am only told after the event is to have happened, that is, too late, that it won't ... then I am very, VERY, upset.
That may be half my problem with Adam and his having sex with V. Each time, I had the understanding that because I was so upset about it having happened before, that Adam would naturally not do it again ... and then to be informed that it had happened, after the fact, against my wishes ... that was icing on the cake, Just Plain Wrong.
I have the sneaking suspicion that had Adam called on his cellphone before hopping into bed, and said, "Oh, by the way, I'm going to have sex with V," I would have been upset, but I would have been informed that it was going to happen before it happened, and would have had time to adjust my mind to it.
I think that's what happened. Honestly, I think that's more than half my "jealousy" problem right there.
Understand that these next few paragraphs are going to contain my mistaken assumptions, and that they were not fully discussed between Adam and myself.
I understood that Adam was aware how strongly I felt that he should avoid forming any kind of romantic and/or sexual connection with V after the breakup of their relationship and the forming of his relationship with me.
I understood that because Adam was aware of this, nothing romantic or sexual was to ever happen between him and V.
Adam had sex with V, in direct opposition to my wishes. This upset me greatly.
I understood that because Adam knew how much that this had upset me, that it would never happen again.
Adam had sex with V again.
I was furious, and unable to articulate my exact problem with the situation between him and V.
Evidently, in order for good communication to happen and this issue to get properly addressed, I must tell Adam, "I wish for you to never have sex with V again while we are romantically and/or sexually involved." This is indeed my strong preference. I do not entirely know why I wish for Adam to not have sex with V; I just know that it is the preference that I do have, and that I will let it be known if this ever does change. "I have a bad feeling about this." I must tell Adam this. If I do not, bad feelings and heartbreak will follow. If I do not tell him this, he will end up getting kicked out of the apartment anyway.
It is possible for me to change my mind about Adam's having sex with V.
It is necessary to tell Adam, "If you have sex with V again, I do not ever wish for you to touch me in a sexual way again." That is the way that I feel at this point. My mind may be changed, but to have him have sex with her again and then put the moves on me will, to my mind, put him in the same category of man as Shawn and BJ are.
New necessary rule for me in the relationship: inform me before you have sex. This is necessary for my sanity. I can't, can't live with this sort of thing happening in my mind.
I think perhaps I should go to bed now; I had to get this all written out before I lost it.
When he files a flight plan with the Temple before leaving (i.e., "I'll be home in time for dinner,") if that plan changes, he's to call in as soon as he finds out what is going on, or definitely before midnight if he's not back by then.
I am not a person who deals well with last-minute changes of plan. I am fairly OK with things happening if there was nothing scheduled to happen, but having things happen other than what was scheduled to happen really messes with my entire day. It pulls an emotional reaction more appropriate for a five-year-old out of me, often complete with crying and sulking about it.
One instance that recalls itself to my mind was when my family had planned to go to a particular friends' house for the Fourth of July. We had been out late getting hay the day before, and I hadn't gotten in until very late -- early that morning, to be precise. When I did wake up the next day, I meandered about the house for about an hour, expecting to see signs of preparation to go visit our friends. When I finally saw none, and it was getting almost to the time when it would be too late to set out, I asked were we going or not. Upon getting the answer that we were not, I felt an emotional reaction very similar to getting punched unexpectedly in the stomach. I controlled my outward reaction so that I did not burst into tears like I felt like, said something polite, and went back upstairs, took a sleeping pill, and slept for another twelve hours.
That was a reaction you might expect out of someone maximum fourteen years old. I was eighteen -- no, by that time, I was nineteen. I work well within a structured environment. Left without structure to my time, I become quickly nocturnal, setting bedtime back another hour or two per night.
My mind fiercely clings to any structure set down as Absolutely Necessarily Happening. If someone declares, "We might go to the mall tomorrow," for example, and I plan to go to the mall, if going to the mall is something that does not happen often, especially if it is something that does not happen often because there are few times when this is feasible, my mind is set on this needing to happen in order for me to be happy with the day. I expect things. If my expectations are not met, my mental state is disrupted and remains disrupted until reset.
If, however, the declaration is made, "We might go to the mall tomorrow, or we might just stay home, or we might go shopping for groceries instead," my mind becomes prepared for one of several eventualities. When my mind is prepared for several things happening, an unanticipated change to plans is not destructive.
Note that things such as natural disasters happening, for example, a planned excursion cancelled by several feet of snow, are not half that upsetting. It naturally follows that if some event happens that would reasonably prevent a plan from manifesting itself, then it's not going to happen; my mind is prepared to accept cancellations of that variety. If Adam is in fact too drunk to walk home, and he has no ride, he will not be expected home. If, on the other hand, Adam is physically capable of walking home, has an available ride home, and had stated a plan to be home, a sudden and late-announced change of plan to not be home will not be well-received.
It's the late announcement of a change of plan that really ticks me off. If a change is announced well in advance of when a planned event is to occur, I have time to adjust my thinking to a universe that does not include this event occuring at the scheduled time. If, however, I am anticipating that something will happen, and I am only told after the event is to have happened, that is, too late, that it won't ... then I am very, VERY, upset.
That may be half my problem with Adam and his having sex with V. Each time, I had the understanding that because I was so upset about it having happened before, that Adam would naturally not do it again ... and then to be informed that it had happened, after the fact, against my wishes ... that was icing on the cake, Just Plain Wrong.
I have the sneaking suspicion that had Adam called on his cellphone before hopping into bed, and said, "Oh, by the way, I'm going to have sex with V," I would have been upset, but I would have been informed that it was going to happen before it happened, and would have had time to adjust my mind to it.
I think that's what happened. Honestly, I think that's more than half my "jealousy" problem right there.
Understand that these next few paragraphs are going to contain my mistaken assumptions, and that they were not fully discussed between Adam and myself.
I understood that Adam was aware how strongly I felt that he should avoid forming any kind of romantic and/or sexual connection with V after the breakup of their relationship and the forming of his relationship with me.
I understood that because Adam was aware of this, nothing romantic or sexual was to ever happen between him and V.
Adam had sex with V, in direct opposition to my wishes. This upset me greatly.
I understood that because Adam knew how much that this had upset me, that it would never happen again.
Adam had sex with V again.
I was furious, and unable to articulate my exact problem with the situation between him and V.
Evidently, in order for good communication to happen and this issue to get properly addressed, I must tell Adam, "I wish for you to never have sex with V again while we are romantically and/or sexually involved." This is indeed my strong preference. I do not entirely know why I wish for Adam to not have sex with V; I just know that it is the preference that I do have, and that I will let it be known if this ever does change. "I have a bad feeling about this." I must tell Adam this. If I do not, bad feelings and heartbreak will follow. If I do not tell him this, he will end up getting kicked out of the apartment anyway.
It is possible for me to change my mind about Adam's having sex with V.
It is necessary to tell Adam, "If you have sex with V again, I do not ever wish for you to touch me in a sexual way again." That is the way that I feel at this point. My mind may be changed, but to have him have sex with her again and then put the moves on me will, to my mind, put him in the same category of man as Shawn and BJ are.
New necessary rule for me in the relationship: inform me before you have sex. This is necessary for my sanity. I can't, can't live with this sort of thing happening in my mind.
I think perhaps I should go to bed now; I had to get this all written out before I lost it.
no subject
It is possible for me to change my mind about Adam's having sex with V.
It is necessary to tell Adam, "If you have sex with V again, I do not ever wish for you to touch me in a sexual way again." That is the way that I feel at this point. My mind may be changed, but to have him have sex with her again and then put the moves on me will, to my mind, put him in the same category of man as Shawn and BJ are.
This, here, is the suspect chunk of code.