Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-25 01:39 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-03-25 01:39 am
i'll be fine.
Adam feels calmer now, less likely to break out into a ragestorm. we did have a calmer talk.
he needs to heal, before he can even think about starting up again.
...i suppose i didn't know how much he meant to me until this. i think it's a relationship worth fighting for, not against.
...if the rules are laid down, letter by letter, I will follow them. I just need to know where the rules are, with great exactness. Communication.
If getting on my knees and clasping Adam's feet and praying for forgiveness would work to make Adam feel better, then I would do this. Adam told R. that R. could have me. I don't want that. I want Adam. R. is not Adam. Darkside does not enter into the discussion; the rules about Darkside have been set long ago.
R. and I were chatting in my room. We made out. We had sex. Yes, even with Bitchy Witchy Week, we had sex. That's the truth right there, Adam. If you'd been around earlier in the day, or if the other bed in our room hadn't been occupied last night, I would have had sex with you, first. I still would have wanted to, with you, tonight.
Sex with R. is sacred, but not serious. A delight and a joy and a comfort and a sacrament, a binding together of two friends, but not the same thing as it is between me and you. Sex with R. takes maybe ten, fifteen minutes, half an hour tops. I am not willing to invest the same kind of time into him as into you. He is seeking his One True Love, and I am not she. I have been warned by the powers of the universe that R. and I are not a permanent or stable couple. I have chosen to accept that warning. I will not allow myself to be bound too tightly to R.
...With you, sex is joy and beauty and love. I've been saying "I love you" a lot over the past few days. I do. I don't say that to R. He's my friend. He's a good friend and a close friend, but he's not someone I would have as a roommate who shares the same bedroom on a long term basis.
I've grown attached to you, Adam. To have you rip yourself out of my heart, cutting the ties -- at least you cauterized your end, so you're not bleeding. Probably hurts like hell, though. I'm bleeding.
I'm going to go, take a shower, cry in the shower, brush my teeth, scrub my face, put on school clothes, and crash asleep cradling the lightsaber Darkside gave me over a year ago. It's not even the same saber. It's Votania's saber, the one he gave her that she gave to me when mine broke. It's still my lightsaber, though...
I suppose I must put the heartbreak on hold while I go through the motions and gather myself together for school, then trust in Darkside to take care of me, take care of my lonely and wounded heart, help me talk out to myself what, just, it is that I'm going to do next.
Votania, don't, please, throw Adam and all his things out onto the sidewalk. Shit like this happens. Sorry for disturbing your sleep. I'd like to crawl in bed beside you tonight, but somehow I think you might take that wrong....
...this still, maybe, might be worked through....
I gave him a trash can for beside his bed, and moved the laundry, in case his stomach acted up again in the night.
What a sight I must be. I'm pathetic. I shouldn't even care. ...
he needs to heal, before he can even think about starting up again.
...i suppose i didn't know how much he meant to me until this. i think it's a relationship worth fighting for, not against.
[01:00] silenceshadow: pissed offadam.
[01:00] silenceshadow: severely.
[01:00] silenceshadow: he came in yelling and swearing.
[01:00] thechaosfairy: ick. *hugs*
[01:00] silenceshadow: thanks.
[01:01] silenceshadow: .... it's worse than it would have been a week ago.
[01:01] thechaosfairy: *hugs more* Want to rant or would you rather leave it to your LJ?
[01:01] silenceshadow: already put it in lj.
[01:02] silenceshadow: i have to, these days, to get calm enough about some things to talk to people.
[01:02] thechaosfairy: *nods and sees*
[01:02] silenceshadow: think i've stopped crying, mostly.
[01:02] silenceshadow: not sure though.
[01:04] thechaosfairy: this is just bad relationship chaos week for you, isn't it?
[01:04] silenceshadow: yep.
[01:04] silenceshadow: only the thing with darkside was good.
[01:04] silenceshadow: it was healing.
[01:05] silenceshadow: he held my hand while i was crying, and that was all that matters.
[01:06] thechaosfairy: yeah, but I'm guessing it's still disruptive for you, if in an overall good way.
[01:06] silenceshadow: it was less disruptive than the depression.
[01:07] silenceshadow: disrupting my selfdelusions, yes.
...if the rules are laid down, letter by letter, I will follow them. I just need to know where the rules are, with great exactness. Communication.
If getting on my knees and clasping Adam's feet and praying for forgiveness would work to make Adam feel better, then I would do this. Adam told R. that R. could have me. I don't want that. I want Adam. R. is not Adam. Darkside does not enter into the discussion; the rules about Darkside have been set long ago.
R. and I were chatting in my room. We made out. We had sex. Yes, even with Bitchy Witchy Week, we had sex. That's the truth right there, Adam. If you'd been around earlier in the day, or if the other bed in our room hadn't been occupied last night, I would have had sex with you, first. I still would have wanted to, with you, tonight.
Sex with R. is sacred, but not serious. A delight and a joy and a comfort and a sacrament, a binding together of two friends, but not the same thing as it is between me and you. Sex with R. takes maybe ten, fifteen minutes, half an hour tops. I am not willing to invest the same kind of time into him as into you. He is seeking his One True Love, and I am not she. I have been warned by the powers of the universe that R. and I are not a permanent or stable couple. I have chosen to accept that warning. I will not allow myself to be bound too tightly to R.
...With you, sex is joy and beauty and love. I've been saying "I love you" a lot over the past few days. I do. I don't say that to R. He's my friend. He's a good friend and a close friend, but he's not someone I would have as a roommate who shares the same bedroom on a long term basis.
I've grown attached to you, Adam. To have you rip yourself out of my heart, cutting the ties -- at least you cauterized your end, so you're not bleeding. Probably hurts like hell, though. I'm bleeding.
I'm going to go, take a shower, cry in the shower, brush my teeth, scrub my face, put on school clothes, and crash asleep cradling the lightsaber Darkside gave me over a year ago. It's not even the same saber. It's Votania's saber, the one he gave her that she gave to me when mine broke. It's still my lightsaber, though...
I suppose I must put the heartbreak on hold while I go through the motions and gather myself together for school, then trust in Darkside to take care of me, take care of my lonely and wounded heart, help me talk out to myself what, just, it is that I'm going to do next.
Votania, don't, please, throw Adam and all his things out onto the sidewalk. Shit like this happens. Sorry for disturbing your sleep. I'd like to crawl in bed beside you tonight, but somehow I think you might take that wrong....
...this still, maybe, might be worked through....
I gave him a trash can for beside his bed, and moved the laundry, in case his stomach acted up again in the night.
What a sight I must be. I'm pathetic. I shouldn't even care. ...
Lies are slashes to the heart!
Re: Lies are slashes to the heart!
You assumed it because the day before, I believe, I had cited Bitchy Witchy Week and the general mess as a reason for not having sex with him. I changed my mind.
At least I used a condom.