Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2006-02-21 06:12 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2006-02-21 06:12 pm
Hiding my light under a basket.
Whenever I go visit Darkside at his parents' house, or go to a venue where I know I'll see his parents, I either slip my silver star in a pocket, loop it around a bra strap, or pull the adjustable cord it's on longer so it'll hide in my shirt and remain unseen. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trystan_laryssa scolded me.
Darkside knows that I'm pagan. It's not that. In fact, he's the one who gave me the necklace, and I wear it as much for the fact that he gave it to me as anything else. It's that, as far as I know, his parents don't specifically know that I'm a pagan. And Darkside dreads the conversation that would ensue if/when his parents found out, especially his father.
I can handle honest and good-hearted Christian conservatism. Given that Darkside himself is Christian, and I was raised amongst a whole Meeting full of Liberal Quakers (whose take on Christianity is fairly conservative as a whole, actually), I sort of have to be able to handle this. It helps that my outlook is rather more Universalist than strict Pagan -- I view the Divine as a vast and unknowable whole, made revealed to humans through flashes of inspiration that coalesce into a multi-faceted pantheon. (I don't know if I'd be half so Universalist if I weren't multiple; as it is, being multiple, I sort of have to see it that way. If, in my mind, I am one soul but many faces, how can the god(s) not be so as well? I've had enough Comparative World Religions to see the same themes running through so many religions. "An it harm none, do as thou wilt." "Thou shalt not kill." Et cetera. ...Though those are the gentle faces -- there are so many warrior gods too.)
The words of Jesus Christ resonate as strongly as those of a whole lot of other prophets -- there's no doubt that the man was god-touched; if you've been god-touched, you can't not hear it when you read the words of someone else who has been. That's what those people who say "Read the Bible!" over and over again are getting at -- it's supposed that you've been god-touched, and touched by the same god, and it's supposed to burn in your brain with letters of fire when you read the words that still light up through multiple translations. But if you haven't been touched by that same god, or if you've been burned by that same god, it just doesn't work like that, and that's what these people miss. Or if you refuse to see the gods. Or something. I've read it, I grok it, and please, people -- "there is no other way but by me" -- ambiguously phrased. Very ambiguously. And what that says to me, in a form I can't ignore, is that either you become the living avatar of the god(s) who have chosen you like the mage in question did, or you accept the Working that the mage in question did, or some other way doing the same thing. Or you're going to be going that unique and dreadful personal hell that is fighting through life without a'tha, and while some people choose that, I would not wish it on anyone. A proper translation has to be done by someone who can carry the spirit through the words, or it is no translation at all.
Being Christian is compatible with being a number of other things. Naomi is Christian, having been tapped by Elohim. The rest of the Collective has been tapped by other gods. Majority rules, in this case, that the Collective is generally pagan, and that's the simplest way to describe us -- eclectic universalist neopagan. (Though the "neo" is suspect, as the other deities are Eris, Diana, and Aphrodite.)
But I'm not about to force Darkside into having that conversation with his parents, about why he is best friends with a pagan. He still has to live with his parents at the moment, until he can afford to move out, and that's not a boat that I'm at all comfortable rocking. It would be different if he disagreed with his parents on a vaster number of issues and wanted to say something to them, but was too intimidated to. That, I could respectfully aid -- I have had my fair share of quiet and firm conversations with parents on things, and the trick seems to be more polite and more stubborn than the parents. Having raised a child helps too.
Unless the fickle hand of fate reveals my religion to my bondmate's parents some other way, Darkside is the one who's going to have to bring up that topic with his parents. And while I may disagree with him not sharing, I respect his decision to not share that, and it's really his call.
trystan_laryssa scolded me. Darkside knows that I'm pagan. It's not that. In fact, he's the one who gave me the necklace, and I wear it as much for the fact that he gave it to me as anything else. It's that, as far as I know, his parents don't specifically know that I'm a pagan. And Darkside dreads the conversation that would ensue if/when his parents found out, especially his father.
I can handle honest and good-hearted Christian conservatism. Given that Darkside himself is Christian, and I was raised amongst a whole Meeting full of Liberal Quakers (whose take on Christianity is fairly conservative as a whole, actually), I sort of have to be able to handle this. It helps that my outlook is rather more Universalist than strict Pagan -- I view the Divine as a vast and unknowable whole, made revealed to humans through flashes of inspiration that coalesce into a multi-faceted pantheon. (I don't know if I'd be half so Universalist if I weren't multiple; as it is, being multiple, I sort of have to see it that way. If, in my mind, I am one soul but many faces, how can the god(s) not be so as well? I've had enough Comparative World Religions to see the same themes running through so many religions. "An it harm none, do as thou wilt." "Thou shalt not kill." Et cetera. ...Though those are the gentle faces -- there are so many warrior gods too.)
The words of Jesus Christ resonate as strongly as those of a whole lot of other prophets -- there's no doubt that the man was god-touched; if you've been god-touched, you can't not hear it when you read the words of someone else who has been. That's what those people who say "Read the Bible!" over and over again are getting at -- it's supposed that you've been god-touched, and touched by the same god, and it's supposed to burn in your brain with letters of fire when you read the words that still light up through multiple translations. But if you haven't been touched by that same god, or if you've been burned by that same god, it just doesn't work like that, and that's what these people miss. Or if you refuse to see the gods. Or something. I've read it, I grok it, and please, people -- "there is no other way but by me" -- ambiguously phrased. Very ambiguously. And what that says to me, in a form I can't ignore, is that either you become the living avatar of the god(s) who have chosen you like the mage in question did, or you accept the Working that the mage in question did, or some other way doing the same thing. Or you're going to be going that unique and dreadful personal hell that is fighting through life without a'tha, and while some people choose that, I would not wish it on anyone. A proper translation has to be done by someone who can carry the spirit through the words, or it is no translation at all.
Being Christian is compatible with being a number of other things. Naomi is Christian, having been tapped by Elohim. The rest of the Collective has been tapped by other gods. Majority rules, in this case, that the Collective is generally pagan, and that's the simplest way to describe us -- eclectic universalist neopagan. (Though the "neo" is suspect, as the other deities are Eris, Diana, and Aphrodite.)
But I'm not about to force Darkside into having that conversation with his parents, about why he is best friends with a pagan. He still has to live with his parents at the moment, until he can afford to move out, and that's not a boat that I'm at all comfortable rocking. It would be different if he disagreed with his parents on a vaster number of issues and wanted to say something to them, but was too intimidated to. That, I could respectfully aid -- I have had my fair share of quiet and firm conversations with parents on things, and the trick seems to be more polite and more stubborn than the parents. Having raised a child helps too.
Unless the fickle hand of fate reveals my religion to my bondmate's parents some other way, Darkside is the one who's going to have to bring up that topic with his parents. And while I may disagree with him not sharing, I respect his decision to not share that, and it's really his call.
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"And what that says to me, in a form I can't ignore, is that either you become the living avatar of the god(s) who have chosen you like the mage in question did, or you accept the Working that the mage in question did, or some other way doing the same thing."
I think I'm missing a reference or two, there. (At least Google, with some beating, was useful in finding out what 'a'tha' meant.) I suspect it's to do with the 'Young Wizards' books? Care to explain for those in the audience who've not read them?
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And by any religion, that's one fucking major death-Working.
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(Whereby 'Jesus' could reasonably be swapped out for any other Deity, but swapping it out for nothing leads to 'personal hell'.)
With this (http://www.babylon.com/definition/a'Tha/All) as my only source for a definition of 'a'tha', I don't think that being, as Ro would put it, a Gimp (ha - I typed that as 'GIMP' automatically) is the only way to attain it.
Personally, there's been times when I can practically feel it streaming through my outstretched fingers, like heavy air, or reach down and touch Old Stone that's tasted blood and shit - and I have no truck with deities of any and all kinds. I serve me and mine, and when I work magic it's not just another way of praying, it's another way of acting as an individual.
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b) Through Jesus (or some other deity)
c) Find some other way to the goal
d) personal hell
You're in c). I seem to be spending equal times in a) & c), with some stopovers at b).
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I think my main problem with deity is that, ultimately, in the only way I can see them, they're all like my father -- they want to use me for their own ends and mold me into who they want me to be, not who I want to be. And Ro, bless her, was of absolutely no help in dispelling this notion, as her answer to that would be something along the lines of "yes, of course they do, isn't it fantastic?"
Of course, my interactions with deities themselves have not done much to dispell this idea either. The Morrigan has actually been of the most practical help, as she got me to the point where I started to feel actual rage (coming out of a cycle of abuse one has been involved in one's entire life is much akin to a grief cycle) rather than disbelief. But she also frightened me, a lot, and was part of the reason I had to simply call a halt to everything involving deities at all.
And I'm still not ready to go back there, despite being tapped on the shoulder by Eris, who I rejected on the grounds that her way, unbalanced by another, would not allow me to do any actual good in the world, and I do not want to be solely an instrument of chaos. (If I remember correctly, one of yours is Eris, but in your case it fits into a well-balanced whole -- you are far more stable and balanced than I am just on general terms.) More recently, I've had communciations with Athena, patron goddess of my spiritual kin Odysseus, who is more to my liking, but still, I am not ready, and I am not convinced that forming any kind of relationship with diety would be helpful right now.
I think, ultimately, if I have dealings with the gods in the future, it may well be more along the lines of working together to accomplish common goals (healing, help, kitchen witchery, etc) rather than the more typical deity relationship based on worship.
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... and a lot of your abuse was based around you surrendering your Will and personality to suit your abuser's whims?
Damn straight you will be allergic to that form of interaction with $DEITY.
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If there was only the joy in you, to filter the chaos, then Eris would work for you very well. But that's not who you are anymore.
I actually think the thing that Ro and I do, the get the fuck out of the way while the deity comes through, is probably an exception rather than a norm in worship. Though we tend to see it as a norm because we're hanging out with a whole bunch of people who do the same thing. But the ability to do that and remain at least passingly sane around it is what makes us Serious Clerics rather than ... I want to call it "lay devotees".
I can see you having a long and involved relationship (asking/receiving help, guidance, et cetera) with a deity or deities of your choice, but at the end of the day, you're never going to want to set aside your freedom of choice or your control at any time again.
Surrendering control to $DEITY is an advanced course in cleric-ing. For you, who was forced into surrendering control, the advanced course is taking control, and taking control responsibly. I could see you becoming a control freak as part of the reaction, and I could see that backfiring very badly.
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It's all about the keywords.
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I got useful results for "a'tha" + definition as well.
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