azurelunatic

By the time I realized that the grumpy voice in the handwriting in my journal, the one who had given up on love and was into just ending it all, right now or within the next few months was in fact the Lone Power, and not entirely an aspect of myself that I wished to cherish now and forever, I'd gotten pretty well fragmented. While on the phones to an ever more weirded out succession of people, Death and I talked to each other in my journal. It was my handwriting that she used. The argument from within is always the most persuasive.

...getting morose. Not a good idea. ...I need serious hugs. Help. I'm afraid. I don't want to die.
...so is there a danger of dying?

Yes. With me, there [always/often] is.

Why?

I hate the pain inherent in desire. I desire. Far too much, at times. I don't know how to stop; don't want to stop. I cherish the desire but cannot live with the pain.

Ow. That sucks. But I want to live. What about Nephew, too? And Votania?

Sorry.

And Darkside?

Doesn't love me.

And Adam?

Won't love me, not after I'm done.

So you're just determined to make life the rest of the way not worth living.

Why bother? I'll never find a permanent mate; Adam would prefer to hate me; Darkside is annoyed by me and doesn't love me.

He cares, even though he doesn't show it often. It may not be romantic love, but he loves you. Us.

I'm bloody obsessed. But you'll win in the end, you always have. Just you watch it, though. I'll hide anywhere, and someday...

You'll kill us?

Oh fuck
we've split
again.

FFFFuuuucccckkkk....

Great, just the thing to begin a new journal. Sorry, Ro. Not much I could do. Just discovering outlying fragments.

Morbidda!? Ha, that's a child's name for the scary, oh so scary, concept of your own death. I will wait for you, bitch, and some day, when you're not watching---
I can come as the raven-voiced Crone.
I can come as the Raven-haired Maiden.
Would you like that better? Shadow-lover...

No. Go away. I deny you.

Denying your own Self? Don't you recognize the danger?

You are the Lone Power. Greetings and defiance.

/*She laughed melodically, a rising note of mirth that carried all the love, all the scorn, that elders have had for youth.*/ You will see. After death, when one does not deny Who one is, there can be redemption, rejoining. Would that not be beautiful, all the sundered made whole. This cannot be attained if you deny yourSelf...

We shall redeem your Gift, you and I -- when it is time. It is not, yet.

Ah. You accept?

You are the Lone One, and a Part of Me. I cannot deny your Gift -- but I can, and will, and do deny your pain, deny your bloody self-pity, your histrionics, your dramatics, and your fucking immaturity! I love you as I love mySelf, but fuck! Not like that.
I shall dance, in time, with the shadow-lover. On My own terms.

...Yes. Better.

That is how it's going to be. Escape from potential insanity. Hopefully.
I do not fear so much, now.

Amazingly, after that, I have been a lot more calm, far more settled. Death is a natural part of the process, a recycling. Those who read Diane Duane recognize some of the symbology and references, there. It had an impact on me, growing up...

...But that was my trip, for today...

...and to think, all of this happened at work, in between telephone calls...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thanks for writing that and pointing to it.
I really enjoyed it; this entry is helping me deal with some of my own issues.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

It's rather full of imagery based on some of Diane Duane's writings; if you're not familiar with her as an author, or if you're only familiar with her Star Trek books, I suggest you check out any book of hers with any form of "wizard" or "the door" in the title.

Yes, I have read her writings. Both her Young Wizards series as well as the 'Tale of the Five' series. These are some of my favorite books. I do wish she'd write the last of that series though.

*Hugs*

Yes. I eagerly anticipate The Door Into Starlight. I was raised on those books.

I wonder if you relate to Virginia Rose Weasley much. :)

Hm.

...No, not so well, as I'm used to reading other handwritings in my journal, and remembering my hand writing them.

Death

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Re: You're welcome.

Re: You're welcome.

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