azurelunatic | (from a comment I made) Respect; the intellectually defenceless

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He knows he's being teased, IRL. I often write up the exchanges we have, mostly for my own failing memory. (He knows about this: he's usually the one to detect when my memory's blanked a conversation we have. Illianesque, I've repeated: this was perhaps Tuesday.) I don't take jabs at the defenceless; if he's not reading it in here, it's a forum he can't defend himself in.

I talk shit about Shawn and BJ all the time, though. I suppose that's the difference between respect and lack thereof. Darkside, I respect.

I can unveil acid opinions about those I respect in a private forum. My friends list is no longer private in my eyes. My paper journals, though the security on them is much lower than my friends-only mode online, are considered by me "private", even though Darkside does see the things I write in there, every now and then. I may refer to things already hashed out in there, but the actual content, the raw side of my mind that speaks of my intense dislikes as well as my loves, rarely reaches "print" without commentary, analysis, discussion, rebuttal, and conclusion.

I think I try to avoid putting forth thoughts to the public that are not already having formed a decision. Friends get input into my thoughts before I've reached a decision; by the time I make public, I'll have made a decision, usually. My family doesn't often ask for help. The other morning, when I was breaking down, I finally reached out my hand toward him over the table, and let him hold me, let myself give up fighting and cling to him for momentary support, open. He could have done any number of nasty psychological things to me at that moment by saying the wrong thing, making the wrong noise, letting go or sqeezing too hard for just a fraction of a second, looking the wrong direction. He didn't. It takes a lot to have me actually ask for help. The raw outputs of my mind get censored, and often for good reason.

Most of my LJ content is already edited. It gets past the first edit, to make it into the conscious area of my brain. It gets past the second edit to be formed into coherent words. It gets past the third edit to be referred to elliptically, on paper or in conversation. It makes it past the fourth edit to be spoken aloud. The fifth edit is writing down on private paper. The sixth edit is written down in a forum intended to be public. Seventh, actually posted.

I am aware of most of these edits.

I fear that what Darkside refers to by "making fun of", in that little bit of him that doesn't want to read the journal for fear of seeing me saying something nasty about him, refers back to something I wrote in my paper journal just before a breakdown. That's not the sort of thing I'd write in a public place. That's not ever the sort of internal emotion that I'd lay bare before an audience. That I had the notebook in a place where Darkside could see me writing this says a lot for how much I trust him. Not to hate me after seeing into my head, for one...

I'm far more private a person than my journal shows. The private things never make it into the public journal...