OH BOY!! (Star Trek, the movie, in all my flailing fangirly summary)

[azurelunatic]

True confession: I did not watch whatever Star Trek movies there were in between this one and the one where Data's somewhat more limited younger brother was found and there was a Data-head spinning off into space. So I am potentially missing large parts of backstory. I can live with that, because these things are often fairly self-contained as long as you have a general conception of what goes on in the series. So I don't know if we're supposed to remember the Major Baddie, nor whether the Events that spurred the Major Baddie into action were already covered by a previous film that I missed. (I'm suspecting that possibly yeah, given, well.)

MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD. Also, capslock. Things may be out of order.

At the beginning of the film, the film-watching experience was interrupted by the projection being Wrong: I've never before seen a split-screen where the top is cut off and shown at the bottom instead, but it was instantly clear that All Was Not Well in the projection booth. There was a great outcry from the audience, and the first bits of Space OMG were obscured by first the outcry and then the assorted cheering when the projection was rectified. But. Space. And ZOMG WTF IS THAT SHIT. A rather large ship looked actually like something that might have been found in Babylon 5, and oh dear, when it fires on our Dear Enterprise it's not supposed to take the shields down like that. Hi, Nero. What's your major hate-on for Ambassador Spock? I thought this was a prequel? Either Spock has an early career as an ambassador, or you're Mr. Futureface.

I was eyeing Nice Mr. Captain, trying to decide whether he was supposed to be the New Kirk and I was just faceblind like woah (like I usually am) or if he was not. Oh, woops, no, he's addressing one of the Helpful Youngsters as "Mr. Kirk"; looks like that's the Kirk. And, woah, big-eyed alien lady! It's great to see Real Alien People scattered about in the ship; Starfleet is not just giving lip service to racial diversity in its crews. And while they're all extras, it's sure good to see them there. O hay there, pregnant lady. Did someone's space contraceptives fail? George? Who's George? Ohhh, this must not be James Kirk here; the baby who's about to pop must be James Kirk. So this is further back than I thought it was.

Cheesy or not cheesy, I was bawling like a little baby when George Kirk died. I am a sucker for True Love Stories, and somehow they managed to convey how absolutely in love with each other the couple was, and also how absolutely devoted a captain George Kirk was for his very short time there, in the space of a very few minutes. The fact that they could joke with each other, while making sure that they talked about the important stuff, says Relationship Done Right to me. They were clearly speaking their own language in their own world.

Before I could descend too far into maudlin, we hit up Iowa. Iowa! This must be Kirk! I thought gleefully, and when I saw the muscle car, I knew it. There was a muttering in the audience; was everyone else not aware that Kirk was from Iowa on the same visceral level that I was? Have I read too many Star Trek books? And then we get a look at the driver. OMG WEE JIMMY KIRK IS GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE. Whole theatre dies laughing. Then the phone rings, with the default ring from some brand of phone or other, updated so it sounds a bit futurey. Another giggle, hi pop culture. Hi, Mr. Policeman. Hi, cliff. Hi, foreshadowing for MOST OF KIRK'S CAREER IN DANGLING OFF CLIFFS AND LEDGES. Hi, wee!Kirk's attitude toward authority.

Oh, look! Miniature Vulcans! In study pits, just like recovering!Spock from the time he died. Hi, wee!Spock! Hi, wee!Spock dealing with bullies! You are fierce and adorable, and our ovaries hurt now! And it's a Sarek! Faceblind or no, if I think someone looks more like John Kerry than Sarek, that may not have been the best choice for actor, but at least he can pull off the attitude right. Poor Spocklet. Sarek, Sarek, Sarek. IT IS MASTERY. MASTERY. (As book-canon-compliance goes, that was not actually too bad. I was seriously impressed, but I was hoping for a shout-out in the form of the actual word "mastery".) Oh! And now it's a teenage Spocklet! And that must be Amanda! HI, AMANDA, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND WE'D LIKE YOU FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW PLEASE. And! Oh, my. The board of the Vulcan Science Academy acting like racist fucks? Why, yes! Isn't it grand? And oh, Spock, Spock, Spock, excellent choice of a safety school, and oh, your career in sarcasm is only improving. ♥ (May I have one for my very own? Please?)

Iowa again! And now we're in a bar. Lovely young Black woman; is this Uhura? Chatting over some alien with Mr. Arrogance? Why, yes it is! Watch Miss Lunatic barely restrain herself from waving "hi" to old familiar characters being introduced! (I think I failed on that; I know I went grabbyhands at the Enterprise a few times.) And it's the Kirk charm, and Kirk is majorly striking out here. Oh, Kirk. :D I like that much, much better than Kirk always succeeding at getting the woman. And Uhura's sticking up for Kirk! Is he a stealth cadet? No, he's a local, and he's ... getting the shit pounded out of him. Oh dear. And ... HI, CAPTAIN PIKE!! ... Kirkie's not buying the blatant recruiting effort. Oh, but if we *dare* young Mr. Kirk to join, then we get some action.

And here we contrast the nice cornfields with ZOMG SPACEPORT. Hi, spaceport. Hi, shuttlecraft. CLANG. Hi, low-clearance beam. You, sir, clearly do not know this shuttlecraft like the back of your hand. Hi, grumbling fellow. Are you... yes! HI BONES! She gets the planet, heh. (How much for just the planet?) Figures that he'd be obsessing about disease and so forth, before he gets his hate on for the transporter. Oh! And it's Starfleet Academy! Hi, little shiny cadets! And oh, Kirk. Womanizing again/still, and OMG SHE IS GREEN HI ORION WOMAN YOU ARE LIBERATED AND NOT A SLAVE HI HI HI. Oh dear. Roommate problems. And ... wouldn't it just figure. Hi, Kirk! Bye, Kirk! Annnd... it's Kobayashi Maru time! Third time around! We know what's going to happen, don't w... omigod, Kirk, you little *shit*, you are eating an apple in the middle of the fucking killer simulation (and there needs to be an icon with a bitten-into apple and a "what no-win scenario?" type caption in TOS font, right?) ... and... there we go. AND SPOCK HAS PROGRAMMED IT. HI SPOCK, YOU ARE SEXY. And have some review board. Nice.

O hai! Emergency! Time to get all available cadets manning ships! And ... oh dear, no ship for Kirk. And Spock knows Uhura and doesn't assign her a plum place because he wants to avoid the appearance of favoritism, but she knows him well enough to stop that piece of backwards-logic right in its tracks. And not to fear for Kirk either! Bones is here to Manufacture An Emergency, in the form of slipping Kirk a mickey and dragging him onboard under protest. Oh, McCoy, how we love you. Kirk is nearly too sick to appreciate the view, but we get OMG STARSHIP PORN. Hi, Enterprise. Nice to see you and your lovely, lovely nacelles. But this film doesn't make The Motion Picture's mistake and dwell on those lovely curves too long; we get inside while we were still staring at the lovely, lovely ship. (I'm sure there will be an extended set of footage in the DVD special features.)

HI HIKARU REMEMBER TO TAKE IT OUT OF PARK. (Oh, young helm operators, how we love you.) And Chekov! HI PAVEL NICE TO MEET YOUR ACCENT AGAIN. And Kirk totally knows what is going on! Totally! Even though he is suffering from all the rare side effects in the book! And Uhura speaks all three dialects of Romulan, where the actual communications officer does not. Pwned! Let's have a swapout on the comms board! And Pike follows Kirk's advice, and SURE ENOUGH it is the SAME FUCKING TATTOO-FACED ROMULAN WHO GEORGE DIED TO TRY AND TAKE OUT. Hi there.

And now it's time for some ACTION! Let's see, of an away team of Kirk, Sulu (MARTIAL ARTS OH BOY), and SOME REDSHIRT, any bets what's going to become of them? They jump out of a perfectly good ship. Someone has parachute problems. Shit. Pike gets captured, tortured. Our boys work to shut down the beanstalk that is INEXPLICABLY BLASTING THE PLANET. And somewhere in there, WTF, no, seriously, what the FUCK, is "Red Matter"? It looks like a red lava lamp. It's sure red, all right. And there are Romulans on the beanstalk, and there is FIGHTING! Kirk dangles off the edge a bit. Sulu pulls out a FUCKING SWORD and SWORDS ROMULANS. HI THERE. Stuff is destroyed, Kirk and Sulu dive off and get beamed up by CHEKOV WHO CAN GET A LOCK ON ANYTHING at the very last second. And Nero redmatters the planet Vulcan. THE PLANET VULCAN. Time to evacuate! Spock beams down and pulls his parents and RUNS. And ... Amanda falls. And Chekov? No lock. No lock. THEY KILLED AMANDA. THEY KILLED AMANDA. REPEAT: AMANDA. AMANDA GRAYSON. OUR AMANDA. This is a little overshadowed by the fact that Vulcan, the WHOLE DAMN PLANET, has been just sucked into a BLACK HOLE. Bye, planet Vulcan; it was nice to know you. Next planet on the destruction list? EARTH.

Spock is in no fit shape for anything, and is ambushed by Uhura in the lift, where one of the most awkward hurt/comfort scenes I've been witness to plays out. Um. You're good friends and all, but he's a Vulcan; he's probably not interested.

Spock is left in command. Spock wants to regroup with Starfleet. Kirk has other ideas. Spock thinks Kirk's on crack, and WHO'S THAT LOUNGING IN MY CHAIR? (Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?) GTFO, HUMAN-BOY. And no, Kirk's on *crack*. ROUND ONE, FIGHT. Cue some Spock/McCoy verbal fencing. Cue Kirk getting subdued by security, brawling with security, brawling with Spock, and getting taken out by a neck-pinch, stuffed in a bod-pod, and launched onto the nearest semi-deserted planet.

Kirk comes to on Hoth Delta Vega, where he meets a wampa bigger wampa, and is rescued by Han Solo some old dude in a parka with a triple-moon belt buckle. OH HAI, ANCIENT AMBASSADOR SPOCK. Hi, mindmeld time. Let's have some backfill, and come to terms with the fact that Mr. Romulan Tattooface is certifiably *nuts*, and because Spock didn't stop a nasty space accident in time, has decided to destroy the fuck out of Spock's two home planets while Spock watches. Nice friendly fellow. And now that the mindmeld's over, time to get back to civilization, now that Kirk's all caught up, and Spock won't be able to counsel young!Spock so Kirk's going to have to. And we have a Remote Outpost. And ... hi, is this what a Jawa looks like out of its robes? Hi, probably-drunk-on-duty fellow. OMG SCOTTY WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH BUT SPOCK MISSED YOU MORE. Let's talk tech. Let's have deja-vu to some transparent aluminum. Let's make like a transwarp equation and beam out of here, from a slightly-moving planet to a Really Moving Fast starship!

Out they beam. And Funny Transporter Accidents in three, two, one: let's see who gets to tour the inside of a starship The Fun Way! Fortunately, Kirk finds and activates the emergency hatch, and now we've got a very wet Mr. Scott spitting out water and ... Intruder alert! ... getting hauled up to the bridge by some unamused security guy, possibly the same cadet that Kirk got in a barfight with three years ago as a civilian. Kirk, well-armed by old!Spock with the right buttons to push, has a merry old time getting Spock to display emotion. Woah, there, Spock! THAT IS NOT MASTERY! Before he actually, you know, kills Kirk, he realizes what just happened, chills out, backs down, and certifies himself unfit for command citing chapter and verse.

Kirk takes them to Earth to face down Captain Nemo Nero, leaving the crew with strict instructions: don't do anything I wouldn't do, we'll check in, if we don't check in, BLAST THIS MOFO OUT OF SPACE I MEAN IT SRSLY GUYS NEVER MIND THAT WE'RE STILL ON THE SHIP. San Francisco gets the business end of the beanstalk, causing massive destruction and an onslaught of variously snide comments from an entire theatre full of San Francisco residents.

What's this in the transporter room? Uhura kissing Spock?! And ... Spock is kissing back?! Did someone honestly put LSD in my coke? And despite three years at the Academy together, Kirk still doesn't know her first name. :D (Also, Kirk and Spock? HOT ITEM THERE.)

Note: when the transporter operator says that there's not going to be anyone in sight? Ahahahaha. Romulans! Blasters! Improbable interior ship architecture featuring Many Things To Fall Off Of and no safety rails in sight! A Captain Pike in need of rescuing! Backstory in need of articulating! Ambassador Spock's Weird Ship, now in young!Spock's hands! Sentimental last messages cut off by Kirk being an arrogant ass and not wanting to convey Spock's mash notes to Uhura! (Christine Chapel, eat your heart out.) Action! Adventure! Red Matter! Transporter hijinks!

Ship is mashed, check. Ship is mashed into black hole, check. Kirk offers rescue to Captain Nemo Nero, check. Spock asks Kirk what the fuck he is thinking, check. Kirk advises Spock that this is one of those "ethical" things that Spock may be familiar with from his study back on Vulcan. Nero advises Kirk that he and the whole Federation can go fuck themselves, and is sucked into the black hole. Kirk hangs around a little too long out of schadenfreude, and WOOPS, didn't your mother tell you to not show your ass to a black hole? Scotty scrambles and saves the day. Ta-da!

Earth pulls itself back together. Spock is part of an endangered species! Spock should really Be Noble And Go Off And Continue The Species, but is really more into Kirk. He has a heart-to-heart with his older, AU self, and the universe does not explode, although the audience sort of does, because it is All So Very Meta, and the subtext has reached palpable levels. Several women faint. Kirk gets the Enterprise. Pike gets his wheelchair. Spock agrees to serve under Kirk. The starship starts to fly away, and the whole audience whispers along with old!Spock and tries not to cry too visibly:

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, and its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations: to boldly go where no one has gone before.


Did I enjoy it? Yes. Could it have been better? Yes. Do I want to watch it again and again and again? Oh, yes.

Comments

[wibbble]

"I did not watch whatever Star Trek movies there were in between this one and the one where Data's somewhat more limited younger brother was found and there was a Data-head spinning off into space."

Star Trek Nemesis? That was the movie directly before this one. There's no proper-canon set-up for this movie, outside of a short comic book series.

[azurelunatic]

Someone just mentioned that over on LJ. But that's the level of non-attention that I've been paying to Star Trek, that I thought I could miss a whole movie.

[wibbble]

Nemesis and Enterprise kind of killed the franchise dead. I didn't think Nemesis was especially bad - it was a bit too self-indulgent about being the last TNG-era movie, but it wasn't terrible. Enterprise was awful, though, and ended really badly.

I think that starting this one with no direct ties to TNG-era stuff was good - it makes it a lot more accessible for new viewers. Having Old Spock is fine, since the TOS-era characters/actors are iconic now.

[wibbble]

> Another giggle, hi pop culture

That's really telling. The Nokia phone was product placement (you see the Nokia logo on the phone when he switches it to play music). Now, admittedly I watch out for Nokia product placement more than normal since I worked for them (and once you start looking, IT'S EVERYWHERE), but it's interesting that people might think it was a pop-culture reference instead of advertising.

Also, I may spam your comments while reading this. :o)

[azurelunatic]

Heh.

I think there's a large amount of overlap between the two.

[wibbble]

Here's the thing, then: what could they have done better?

I think it's about as close to a perfect reboot as you could imagine. They've preserved all the existing canon (it's just over --> there in an AU) while giving themselves permission to have a totally clean slate. Everything that happened from Kirk's birth onwards can be different because the destruction of the Kelvin would have loads of knock-on effects.

So now they can make new movies without worrying about all the weight of existing canon, in the way that Enterprise couldn't. As long as they avoid the bad time travel stories, or the temptation to cross-over with the old canon, this could be the start of a new series of awesome movies.

[azurelunatic]

If that was meant to be a Uhura/Spock relationship, what the HELL. It leaves me Rather Baffled.

[wibbble]

I think it was - hence the comment about not wanting to show favouritism when they're getting assigned to ships.

I actually quite liked that - it was a really good switch around after all the speculation that there'd be Kirk/Uhura, which was hinted at a little in the trailer. She's brilliant, and he's half-human and his role models growing up were a Vulcan father and human mother, so I don't think he'd see it as unusual.

[azurelunatic]

It makes perfect logical and psychological sense for everyone concerned in-universe, yes. The writing and acting did not sell the 'ship to me.

[azurelunatic]

It's a perfect reboot, but I'm having quibbles with some of the things they're doing in the reboot.

[wibbble]

I'm guessing you didn't approve of vaporising Vulcan?

[azurelunatic]

That was sort of appalling, but within the bounds of Shit Happens If You're In This Universe. No, the thing I'm having problems with is that I, as a watcher, was not sold on the chemistry between Spock and Uhura. I have no doubts that they were trying to portray it, but it's coming through hazily at best for me. Kirk/Spock is coming through loud and clear.

[wibbble]

I think it's difficult to portray a Vulcan/human love affair, with the added inappropriateness of student/teacher, too. He's not going to swoon over her, and she's going to want to respect that he wants distance. They're also not going to show hot Vulcan sexxxoring, because it's a 12A and they need to save little they can do of that for Kirk.

I suppose that it's also just not that important, too. It could easily have been cut, but I think it got a good reaction from most people since it allowed them to show Kirk getting wound up.

[azurelunatic]

And did it ever wind him up. :D

[sofiaviolet]

My theater had projection!fail as well.

Having no familiarity with Trek other than what I picked up through osmosis, I really fucking loved that movie. :D

[azurelunatic]

Az swears that there is some Winchester in Kirk's bloodline. :D

[aedifica]

Wow. I don't think I would enjoy the movie itself nearly as much as I enjoyed reading your write-up (I don't have much Star Trek background, so I wouldn't have caught the references). But did I see a John M. Ford reference in your entry? *is happy*

[azurelunatic]

You certainly did see one! One of my friends from camp introduced me to that book, and I have been hooked ever since.

[elainegrey]

"But this film doesn't make The Motion Picture's mistake and dwell on those lovely curves too long" Amen. I was thinking, yeeeesss, show me the sweet ship, but! not! too! much! *tears!*

Kirk says, "Fencing!?" Ha! http://images.google.com/images?q=sulu+sword

I had to spend time reading http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/James_T._Kirk to find out just how much variation from the old universe.

The one teensy weensy implausible thing i find implausible is, lo, StarFleet has lost, what, seven of eight new ships. The rest of the fleet was -- where? Surely there are plenty of experienced officers off on those ships who were counting on being promoted up to a position on one of the eight new ships -- but now there's just one ship. The competition for orders to be on that one remaining ship had to be fantastic. But no, we have the Teen Bridge Crew! OK, it's not quite Teen Enterprise, but it was i noticed when thinking it over this morning.

But, y'know, it's not like the other universe ever made sense about tours of duty, promotions and what not.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, Starfleet Command may not have been thinking with their logical heads on that one.

[elements]

Is it wrong that all I can think of to comment on here is "Spock agrees to SERVE UNDER Kirk" Snerk. There had so better be a K/S revival because of this.

You are now the 3rd person who also thinks the Sarek casting was a wee bit off. So I guess it's a thing.

[azurelunatic]

SERVE UNDER, yes. :D
My friend who could never see K/S before? Seeing it now. :D :D :D

The acting was great. The looks, not so much with the matching.

Sarek

[triadruid]

I thought he was great casting (and my brain kept saying, "Barnabas?" Yep!). I also half-recognized Amanda's actress, even under so much makeup/CGI.

I'm with you on the Spock/Uhuru thing, though - they didn't sell me on it, and I didn't catch in to the significance of the "favoritism" comment until they were canoodling On.The.Transporter.Pad.During.An.Emergency! Hello, inappropriate timing?!?

Re: Sarek

[azurelunatic]

Niq and I were flailing at each other, and we decided that it could possibly have been a long-term friendship possibly with subtext that was close enough to trigger Spock's this-might-be-inappropriate-as-we-are-buddies for the ship-assignments (particularly as it was on short notice and he didn't have time to think things through), some awkward hurt/comfort in the turbolift, and then OMG YOU MIGHT DIE AND BEFORE YOU DIE LET ME JUST TELL YOU THAT I THINK I REALLY LIKE YOU on the transporter platform. So not an established relationship.

[ephemera]

Did I enjoy it? Yes. Could it have been better? Yes. Do I want to watch it again and again and again? Oh, yes.

amen!

[azurelunatic]

I'm debating whether I should request that my aunt see it. On the one hand, she'd love it; on the other hand, her hearing is starting to go and I'm not sure what theatres these days have in the way of personal subtitling.

[helens78]

Yay for squee! Have an icon:



:)

[azurelunatic]

Eeeee thank you!!!

[owlrigh]

Ahhh, splendid. Did you take your 'puter in with you and quickly type notes as you were watching the movie or something? Because you have a seriously enviable memory there, if not. I was just all handwavy and YAY and couldn't think of anything to say...

[azurelunatic]

After the fact. I did recall things as I was writing, and I had to look a very few bits up on Memory Alpha, but resisted the urge to recap the other bits.

[lady-angelina.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the whole post because I do plan to see the movie in the very near future, but... your flailing fangirlyness is making me look very forward to it. :DDDDDDD

[azurelunatic]

it! whee! yes!!!

[intheblacklodge.livejournal.com]

Umm, Nemesis WAS the last Star Trek movie.

[azurelunatic]

You see about how much attention I've been paying between then and now. :D

[brooklynmili.livejournal.com]

I never got the TOS love in the beginning...but, OK, this sounds made of win. You know, the missus and I have an anniversary coming up...sounds like a date movie!

[azurelunatic]

It's gloriously cheesy and so much fun. I still feel a little unfaithful for having gone without my best friend, despite the fact that he's in another state.

[moniqueleigh]

I was so very much not a TOS fan. But I've seen bits & pieces of the series & most of the movies having married a TOS fan. (I was a hyooge TNG fan. Luckily, so was Galoot. We both loved DS9 & thought Voyager started off well before turning into 7of9 fanboys' fantasy).

Anyway. This? So! Much! Love! THIS is how you re-boot a series! (Lucas, I'm looking at you.) I absolutely squee'd over the "alternate universe" comment from Ambassador Spock. And, yeah, there was much love from our audience for wee!Kirk & wee!Spock too.

[azurelunatic]

And they had wee!Spock bleeding green out his split lip, with a green bruise forming on his face. :D

[moniqueleigh]

And Bones calling Spock a "green-blooded hobgoblin"! Not to mention all of Bones' "I'm a doctor, not ..." bits. :D :D And, man, did that guy study DeForest Kelley or whatmoved like De!

[azurelunatic]

I was happy. :D

[bxiie.livejournal.com]

I read your review after (tonight) seeing the picture. Totally dug both. Can't believe they killed off Winona. Can't wait for the presequels.

My favorite part was when Ricardo Montalban... Never mind.

[azurelunatic]

*snerk*