Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-05-30 12:10 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-05-30 12:10 am
Betrayal of self vs. betrayal of others.
The events in the relationship life of a new friend have really, *really* disturbed me to the point where all my inner senses are screaming at me.
I have now come to the personal conclusion that a $20 vibrator would probably be a lot healthier of a "just friends who fuck" relationship for you to be in.
Take a good long look at your emotions around J* and around T*. Who makes you happy and who makes you feel guilty? Seriously.
If you had never met J*, how would you feel around T*? If you had never met T*, how would you feel around J*?
I suspect that with T*, no matter who else you fell for, you'd feel guilty. And is feeling emotions for people other than T* really something you can stop yourself from doing? If you weren't with T*, would you feel guilty about kissing J*, even though he is married? I doubt it.
...I've got a friend I sleep with. I've got a friend I'm head over heels in love with, who makes me feel good about myself, who is open to me emotionally.
If it came down to a choice between sleeping with my roommate ever again or being close friends with Darkside? I'd choose Darkside. No contest. Even though there's more chance of Cthulu coming out of my bathroom sink faucet than me ever dating Darkside.
Why? My roommate and I are great friends. We have a lot of fun together. But that's all we are: friends who have fun. We have deep conversations, but I'd never agree to bind my soul together with his for a lifetime. Darkside and I are also friends who have fun together, but a different kind of fun. Darkside doesn't think of me in a sexual way. While Darkside and I have lighthearted conversations, there's an underlying strong bond that we share. When one of us is cut, the other one bleeds. I would not, could not, will not, settle for less than that in a committed romantic relationship. Not everybody's going to have that. Everybody should, however, be best friends with the person you're with, romantically, if it's going to be something longer than just a few months, or more committed than just friends who have fun. More importantly, if there's an aspect to the relationship that's making one of the parties not okay? It's a problem somewhere in the relationship.
Put bluntly, I was killing my heart and soul to try to stop loving Darkside. He saw what I was doing. He refused to let me damage myself (and there is no doubting that I was: nothing overtly physical had happened, but suddenly I was exhausted, not sleeping, avoiding him, crying at silly little things) even though he is still not comfortable with the idea of me loving him. He'd rather be uncomfortable with me loving him than see me hurt myself to make him feel better.
In my relationship with That Idiot Shawn, Shawn insisted that I never speak my intense love for him to him, or express it in any way. Either of us was free to end the association (he refused to date me; he was allergic to the concept of committment) at any time. Of course, ending that probably would have meant ending the friendship. He got all the advantages of having a committed relationship, because I was devoted in love to him and never would have left him without really good cause, whereas he had none. ...I fell for him in 1995. We started seeing each other in 1997. We were over with each other in 1998. I'm still recovering from all the damage he did. It kills your self-esteem, your self-worth, and I'm seeing that dying in you, just from what little of your writing I've seen.
...Yes, I know that either of you could end this at any time. But practically speaking, who would? He evidently would in a flash if you no longer met his requirements. You? He's not meeting your requirements other than the physical, every so often. Why are you still with him?
I would never stay with a guy I couldn't be honest with. The need to touch and be touched is an essential part of you, one that you can't destroy or surpress without dire consequences to the heart, mind, and soul. I know this. I've been there. At least twice. It has taken me years to recover from Shawn. You can track for yourself in my journal what's happened with me and Darkside. http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=azurelunatic&itemid=625404 is one of the best analyses. Trying to kill my heart is the easiest way for me to throw myself into a dangerous depression. Don't ever hurt yourself trying to be someone you aren't, when the person you are is important. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your need to touch and be touched is wrong. Ever. I don't care if it's T*, your mother, the fucking President of the United States, or a voice from the clouds. Inside, you know you're right. You know it. How can something that feels that good be so bad? It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.
For a non-committed relationship, this is a higher degree of committment he's expecting out of you. Honestly, that kind of committment I'd want a ring before I got into. Don't kill your heart. Don't betray yourself. Please.
The way to not lose honor is not to set a standard that you know you're going to fail at. The way to not lose honor is to not let yourself get into that situation in the first place. Part of you seems to be that you love. Restricting your love to just one person is a trial for you, and something that no one who really cares about your health and sanity should do to you.
I have now come to the personal conclusion that a $20 vibrator would probably be a lot healthier of a "just friends who fuck" relationship for you to be in.
Take a good long look at your emotions around J* and around T*. Who makes you happy and who makes you feel guilty? Seriously.
If you had never met J*, how would you feel around T*? If you had never met T*, how would you feel around J*?
I suspect that with T*, no matter who else you fell for, you'd feel guilty. And is feeling emotions for people other than T* really something you can stop yourself from doing? If you weren't with T*, would you feel guilty about kissing J*, even though he is married? I doubt it.
...I've got a friend I sleep with. I've got a friend I'm head over heels in love with, who makes me feel good about myself, who is open to me emotionally.
If it came down to a choice between sleeping with my roommate ever again or being close friends with Darkside? I'd choose Darkside. No contest. Even though there's more chance of Cthulu coming out of my bathroom sink faucet than me ever dating Darkside.
Why? My roommate and I are great friends. We have a lot of fun together. But that's all we are: friends who have fun. We have deep conversations, but I'd never agree to bind my soul together with his for a lifetime. Darkside and I are also friends who have fun together, but a different kind of fun. Darkside doesn't think of me in a sexual way. While Darkside and I have lighthearted conversations, there's an underlying strong bond that we share. When one of us is cut, the other one bleeds. I would not, could not, will not, settle for less than that in a committed romantic relationship. Not everybody's going to have that. Everybody should, however, be best friends with the person you're with, romantically, if it's going to be something longer than just a few months, or more committed than just friends who have fun. More importantly, if there's an aspect to the relationship that's making one of the parties not okay? It's a problem somewhere in the relationship.
Put bluntly, I was killing my heart and soul to try to stop loving Darkside. He saw what I was doing. He refused to let me damage myself (and there is no doubting that I was: nothing overtly physical had happened, but suddenly I was exhausted, not sleeping, avoiding him, crying at silly little things) even though he is still not comfortable with the idea of me loving him. He'd rather be uncomfortable with me loving him than see me hurt myself to make him feel better.
In my relationship with That Idiot Shawn, Shawn insisted that I never speak my intense love for him to him, or express it in any way. Either of us was free to end the association (he refused to date me; he was allergic to the concept of committment) at any time. Of course, ending that probably would have meant ending the friendship. He got all the advantages of having a committed relationship, because I was devoted in love to him and never would have left him without really good cause, whereas he had none. ...I fell for him in 1995. We started seeing each other in 1997. We were over with each other in 1998. I'm still recovering from all the damage he did. It kills your self-esteem, your self-worth, and I'm seeing that dying in you, just from what little of your writing I've seen.
...Yes, I know that either of you could end this at any time. But practically speaking, who would? He evidently would in a flash if you no longer met his requirements. You? He's not meeting your requirements other than the physical, every so often. Why are you still with him?
I would never stay with a guy I couldn't be honest with. The need to touch and be touched is an essential part of you, one that you can't destroy or surpress without dire consequences to the heart, mind, and soul. I know this. I've been there. At least twice. It has taken me years to recover from Shawn. You can track for yourself in my journal what's happened with me and Darkside. http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=azurelunatic&itemid=625404 is one of the best analyses. Trying to kill my heart is the easiest way for me to throw myself into a dangerous depression. Don't ever hurt yourself trying to be someone you aren't, when the person you are is important. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your need to touch and be touched is wrong. Ever. I don't care if it's T*, your mother, the fucking President of the United States, or a voice from the clouds. Inside, you know you're right. You know it. How can something that feels that good be so bad? It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.
For a non-committed relationship, this is a higher degree of committment he's expecting out of you. Honestly, that kind of committment I'd want a ring before I got into. Don't kill your heart. Don't betray yourself. Please.
The way to not lose honor is not to set a standard that you know you're going to fail at. The way to not lose honor is to not let yourself get into that situation in the first place. Part of you seems to be that you love. Restricting your love to just one person is a trial for you, and something that no one who really cares about your health and sanity should do to you.