THE HEAVENLY COCKFIST

[azurelunatic]

This was quite some time ago, over the summer while I was dogsitting. There's no real way to explain this, so this has the relevant bits from the chat log so you can sort of follow along the descent into pure surreal. All redacted and stuff, as the artist wishes to remain anonymous. :D

[13:37] [anonymous artist]: Hi. :D I came across something just now that I figured you'd be interested in, since I know you have a fascination with this sort of thing.
[13:38] [anonymous artist]: Let me quote part of one line, to whet your appetite for what's to come.
[13:38] [anonymous artist]: "God has a Holy, Righteous Penis."
[13:38] [anonymous artist]: http://www.fstdt.com/QuoteComment.aspx?QID=62318
[13:38] [anonymous artist]: It's not even sarcasm.
[13:39] azurelunatic: Oh ... dear. This could be either very good or very bad. *clicks*
[13:41] azurelunatic: ...
[13:41] azurelunatic: D:
[13:41] [anonymous artist]: Inorite?
[13:42] azurelunatic: Wow. Someone is carrying their analogies a ... little too far. D:
[13:42] [anonymous artist]: OTOH, it makes sense in a bizarre way. Christianity *does* teach that we're made in His image. This obviously means that God has a Holy, Righteous Vagina, too.
[13:43] azurelunatic: Which is not just for sex and childbirth, that's just your filthy evil prejudices talking. :-P
[13:43] [anonymous artist]: Right?
[13:43] azurelunatic: ALSO FOR FISTING!!!
[13:43] [anonymous artist]: I don't know how you can fist with your cock, but that said, God could do anything he wants.
[13:45] azurelunatic: THE COCKFIST!
[13:46] [anonymous artist]: I... am almost tempted to 'shop that.
[13:49] [anonymous artist]: (Interesting fact: Googling for 'cock', even with SafeSearch off, brings up Wikipedia as the first result.) Somehow I doubt that most people searching for 'cock' are really looking for Wikipedia.
[13:52] azurelunatic: "YOU GOT YOUR COCK IN MY WIKIPEDIA." "YEAH? WELL YOU GOT YOUR WIKIPEDIA IN MY COCK."
[13:53] [anonymous artist]: That sounds painful.
[13:53] [anonymous artist]: Actually, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to source an image of a single upright cock with nothing else in it.
[13:54] [anonymous artist]: I mean, I suppose http://www.jrcompton.com/photos/The_Birds/J/apr-08/pea-cock-_J210196.jpg would fit that description but it's not the sort of cock I'm looking for...
[13:54] azurelunatic: I would say "harder than it sounds?" but I realize that this is a bad pun in two different ways.
[13:55] [anonymous artist]: :P
[13:55] [anonymous artist]: I can get one of the ways, but not the other.
[13:56] [anonymous artist]: Also, there are some *strange* pictures on the Internet.
[14:01] [anonymous artist]: It is, on the other hand, surprisingly easy to get an image of a fist like that.
[14:01] [anonymous artist]: Now, let's see what I can do with this.
[14:02] [anonymous artist]: (and before you ask; no, I'm not looking for one with a wedding ring.)
[14:02] azurelunatic: heeeeeeeee

(various links are exchanged)

[14:04] [anonymous artist]: (also, gotta love that somebody can't spell 'jerkoff' in the URL)
[14:05] azurelunatic: I'm using 'erect' 'penis' as search terms, which may account for me getting perhaps better results.
[14:19] [anonymous artist]: *nods* I'm playing with the cock now. (In the GIMP.)

[14:52] [anonymous artist]: I am done!
[14:53] [anonymous artist]: Behold, the Heavenly Cockfist: (Link: [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist.jpg)[domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist.jpg



[07:57] azurelunatic: I re-hosted it on scrapbook and linked to it on twitter. :D
[07:57] [anonymous artist]: Hee! *looks*
[07:58] [anonymous artist]: Heh :D
[08:00] [anonymous artist]: More went into that image than it looks at first glance, btw. The original image was too small to fit the fist in, so I had to manufacture more grey background. And then I needed to remove the tip of the cock, needing me to manufacture more grey background. But I like the result.
[08:01] azurelunatic: COCKFIST COCKFIST COCKFIST
[08:01] [anonymous artist]: Not just a cockfist, a *heavenly* cockfist.
[08:02] [anonymous artist]: It's glowing, so it must be heavenly, right?
[08:02] azurelunatic: Right!
[08:03] [anonymous artist]: Or maybe it's just radioactive. Either way, at least there'd be no problem seeing where to put it.
[08:07] [anonymous artist]: Actually, I just tried doing it without the glow. I think it looks kinda better that way. [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist-noglow.jpg



[08:08] azurelunatic: Halo or no?
[08:08] [anonymous artist]: I could put a halo in if wanted.
[08:10] * azurelunatic cackling madly here

[08:20] [anonymous artist]: Well, I gave it a go. Only I didn't quite know what to do for a halo, so I used a wedding ring for it. [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist-halo.jpg
[08:20] azurelunatic: OH THAT IS WONDERFUL OMG OMG OMG YES
[08:20] [anonymous artist]: Not sure I like the way the body just disappears halfway up though.
[08:21] azurelunatic: that is a bit distracting, the halfway-up thing.
[08:22] [anonymous artist]: It is. But it's harder to manufacture convincing-looking body. D:
[08:22] azurelunatic: hmm, perhaps finding a full-length body, and pasting the cockfist assemblage onto that?
[08:23] azurelunatic: and the only better halo, if we're going rings, that I could imagine might be http://www.google.com/images?q=one%20ring
[08:23] [anonymous artist]: ...oh yes.
[08:23] [anonymous artist]: Only, the Elven writing is visible :/
[08:24] azurelunatic: part of the hilarity, because that gets into the "is it a halo or the One Cockring" territory.
[08:24] azurelunatic: :D
[08:24] [anonymous artist]: Heeee! I'll give it a go then.
[08:27] [anonymous artist]: ...omg, the image I chose is *exactly the right angle*, too.
[08:28] azurelunatic: :D
[08:28] [anonymous artist]: And the right size too. I hardly had to change anything. Maybe it *is* the One Cockring.
[08:28] azurelunatic: :D :D :D
[08:31] [anonymous artist]: [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist-halo-2.jpg



[08:31] azurelunatic: AWW YEAH
[08:31] azurelunatic: EEEEHEEEHEEEHEEEEEEEEEE
[08:32] [anonymous artist]: Now to figure out what to do about this body thing.
[08:35] [anonymous artist]: Trying to use the same tool I used to make the extra background isn't working out too well.
[08:36] * azurelunatic beholds the lovely progression: http://pics.livejournal.com/azurelunatic/tags/heavenly+cockfist/
[08:36] [anonymous artist]: I mean, it *works* - for values of 'works' that translate to 'looks like a monster from Hell'.
[08:36] azurelunatic: But that is not particularly heavenly. :(
[08:37] [anonymous artist]: No.
[08:37] [anonymous artist]: Let me give you an example.
[08:38] [anonymous artist]: [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist-halo-2-from-hell.jpg
[08:38] [anonymous artist]: That is not, as you say, heavenly.
[08:39] [anonymous artist]: I mean... it does a *great* job in the sense that it perfectly gets the feel of it. But something tells me this tool cares not for the form of the human body. :(
[08:41] azurelunatic: That would be very missing-bellybutton, yes.
[08:42] azurelunatic: I'm not sensitized to obvious photoshoppery like some people are, but it does seem a bit off.
[08:43] [anonymous artist]: I'm going to try something.
[08:51] [anonymous artist]: This is hard.
[08:52] [anonymous artist]: And by "hard" I mean "difficult", before you get any ideas ;p
[08:52] azurelunatic: heeeeeee
[08:57] [anonymous artist]: Alright, I think I may have something acceptable.
[08:58] [anonymous artist]: [domain redacted]/heavenly-cockfist-halo-3.jpg ?



[09:00] azurelunatic: Wheeeee!
[09:00] [anonymous artist]: OTOH, there should be a belly button around there. But I can't really add one in.
[09:00] azurelunatic: It's a cockfist.
[09:00] azurelunatic: Anatomically correct has been taken off the menu.
[09:01] [anonymous artist]: ...true ;p
[09:03] * azurelunatic giggling madly


[13:46] sithjawa: O COME ALL YE COCKFISTS
HOLY AND RIGHTEOUS
O COME ALL YE PENISES OF GOD (not man)
[13:47] azurelunatic: COME YE VAGINAS
COME YE CLITORIS
O COME ALL YE COCKFISTS
O COME ALL YE-E COCKFISTS
O COME ALL YE GENITALS OF GOD (not man)
[13:49] sithjawa: ...I just looked up the real lyrics, and they have this verse
[13:49] sithjawa: True God of true God, Light from Light Eternal,
Lo, He shuns not the Virgin’s womb;
Son of the Father, begotten, not created;
[13:49] sithjawa: IT IS ACTUALLY ABOUT COCKFIST
[13:49] sithjawa: I AM SOMEWHAT ALARMED
[13:49] azurelunatic: COCKFIST
[13:49] azurelunatic: COCKFISTING
[13:49] sithjawa: perhaps we are actually in cockfist universe
[13:49] sithjawa: THE COCKFIST DIMENSION
[13:49] azurelunatic: COCKFISTACULAR
[13:51] sithjawa: ,,,...Now my brain fears to think about the original poster's views on Jesus.
[13:52] sithjawa: That is to say, it's not the same as man's corrupted, fleshy one.
[13:52] sithjawa: Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing.
[13:53] sithjawa: o.o
[13:53] sithjawa: COCKFIST MADE FLESH FOR YOUR SINS
[13:53] sithjawa: o.
[13:53] sithjawa: o.O
[13:54] azurelunatic: The origin was very much "SO WHAT OTHER USES COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR A PENIS, THEN???" and since it was, well, me, the answer was "fisting"
[13:55] sithjawa: It is probably a bad sign that my first thought was "Well... that is also insertion. How about... DELICIOUSNESS?"
[13:56] sithjawa: LETTER OPENER
HEN ROOST
WRITING IMPLEMENT
ow my brain
[13:56] sithjawa: (Am somewhat from delirious today AM HELPING)
[13:56] sithjawa: allergies and a cold is going around, and jet lag won't go away, maybe dehydration, IT MAKES MY BRAIN AWESOME FOR SCIENCE
[13:57] azurelunatic: TOWELRACK
[13:57] azurelunatic: PLUM ON WHITTLED STICK
[13:57] azurelunatic: CAT TOY
[13:57] sithjawa: THERMOMETER
[13:57] sithjawa: (if it shrivels it means it is too cold to go out without a sweater)
[13:57] azurelunatic: WAIST-HEIGHT DRAWER-CLOSER
[13:58] azurelunatic: PRESSURE SENSOR (expands in vacuum, shrinks under overpressure)
[13:58] sithjawa: Yes
[13:58] sithjawa: PAINTBRUSH
[13:58] azurelunatic: YES
[13:58] azurelunatic: THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO USES IT LIKE THAT
[13:58] azurelunatic: HE IS ENCROACHING ON GOD'S TERRITORY
[13:58] sithjawa: HE ONLY WANTS TO BE CLOSER TO THE DIVINE
[13:59] azurelunatic: CUE NINE INCH NAILS SONG "CLOSER" HERE
[13:59] sithjawa: Oh man THERE WAS LIKE A WHOLE CHAPTER OF MY CRAZY ART TEXTBOOK ON BODY PARTS AS PAINTBRUSHES
[13:59] azurelunatic: dude
[14:00] sithjawa: apparently there is a whole genre of feminist art involving applying Parts to canvas
[14:00] sithjawa: or inserting objects
[14:00] sithjawa: FOR ART
[14:01] sithjawa: This is one of the things they do not tell you that you will be learning about when you apply to be an art major,.
[14:02] azurelunatic: They might get some more art majors that way.
[14:02] azurelunatic: WHAT DOES THIS SAY FOR THE NASAL STAGE
[14:02] sithjawa: BOOGER
[14:02] sithjawa: Isn't that what everything says for the nasal stage?
[14:03] azurelunatic: SOMETIMES IT SAYS "HERE THIS SMELLS REALLY BAD YOU SMELL IT."
[14:03] sithjawa: AND THEN EVERYONE DOES
[14:03] azurelunatic: YES
[14:03] azurelunatic: AND ALSO SOMETIMES IT SAYS "I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS IF I STUFF M&MS UP MY NOSE"
[14:04] sithjawa: I have never wondered that but I have seen people get drunk and decide to snort altoids
[14:04] sithjawa: is that the same thing or is it different because altoids are not red and green and yellow?
[14:05] azurelunatic: SNORTING ALTOIDS IS TOTALLY A NASAL-STAGE DECISION
[14:05] sithjawa: GOT DRUNK AND BECAME NASAL
[14:06] sithjawa: ...the puppy is named mitchi and they keep calling him and I mishear
[14:06] sithjawa: COME HERE NIETSCHE
[14:06] sithjawa: SIT NIETZCHE
[14:06] azurelunatic: o deer
[14:06] azurelunatic: GAZE INTO THE ABYSS NIETSCHE
[14:06] sithjawa: *arf!*
[14:07] sithjawa: *whine whine*
[14:07] sithjawa: *paw over eyes*
[14:07] azurelunatic: LET THE ABYSS GAZE INTO YOU, NIETSCHE
[14:07] sithjawa: if I get a dog perhaps I will name it nietzsche.
[14:08] sithjawa: I WILL TEACH IT TO BARK AND JUMP UP ON PEOPLE IF I POINT AT THEM AND SAY 'SUPERMAN'
[14:08] azurelunatic: NIETZSCHE WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT WIDDLING ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR
[14:08] sithjawa: THEN I WILL TEACH IT TO ROLL OVER AND PLAY GOD
[14:09] azurelunatic: *giggle*

Comments

[northern]

ahahahahaha!

[foxfirefey]

I'm...really, really, trying to figure out those Other Uses that aren't the dirty filthy ones us fallen humans (naturally) come up with.

[azurelunatic]

I mean, why shouldn't God use the penis to fist? Fisting is a pure and wholesome activity!

[ekaterin]

ROTFLOL And wiping my tears.

But God does not have a belly button. Belly buttons are only for those who are born of a woman. God was never born, so he does not need a belly button.

[azurelunatic]

This is an excellent point.

[obadiah.livejournal.com]

OMG'sHRP

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Oh, gods...must unsee...please merciful heavens, let me unsee....

[azurelunatic]

What exactly were you expecting, from the subject line? :-P

[trixieleitz]

I am hearing "Heavenly Cockfist" to the tune of this JUST SO YOU KNOW

...also, PUNCHING THROUGH A RING WHY AM I HERE I'M NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTERS SURPRISED?

[azurelunatic]

:D

[trixieleitz]

THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.

[azurelunatic]

I SEEM TO BE USING THIS ICON AN AWFUL LOT THESE DAYS

[pauamma]

http://www.mfpausa.com/ may need a change of name. :-)