azurelunatic | Fucking shoes.

Current Mood: cranky
Crossposts: http://azurelunatic.livejournal.com/6662877.html

Fucking shoes.

In retrospect, shoes have become symbolic of every moment of obligatory gender and other role performance that required to go out of my way and to some expense and personal discomfort-shading-into-agony for something I do not want to do.

I am a person who voluntarily wears the same pair of shoes, black knee-high stockings, a mid-calf or longer black skirt, a black top, and a black knit cardigan, week in, week out. (Currently I've the four good everyday black skirts and the one that needs mended, plus some better-than-everyday skirts.) Since 2000, I have leveled up from shorts and a tank top to everyday business casual that is simultaneously comfortable and allows me to perform minor feats of athleticism above and beyond what I am actually capable of doing, and it is good.

In my everyday clothes, I do not have to think about what I am wearing, either while I am getting ready to put it on, while I am actually wearing it, or while I am washing it. I do not have to contend with mismatching colors, even though the chances are small in an aggressively Winter wardrobe. It is enough of a problem getting clothes on me and out the door already. Either something gets put into the routine and becomes an everyday thing (or if the routine gets too big, it crashes and then we have to rebuild) or it does not happen except for Very Special Events. I do not have to contend with clothing that will drive me crazy, in the literal bad-for-my-mental-health sense of the word. Clothing that needs alterations to fit properly -- that is not reasonable for me, because of the time it takes for me to get to it on my to-do list. I do not have to contend with clothing that will curtail my activities. I can walk about. I do not need to fear elevated grated walkways. I do not need to fear that someone will step on my shoe, or spill something on my skirt. I do not need to fear that I will spill something on my shirt, because the fabric washes and does not tend to attract stains. I am clumsy. I have large breasts. I have a tomboy's tropism for dirt and mud, even when I am trying my best to care for my clothing.

Locating clothing that fits all my standards is non-trivial. I am large, with large breasts, I wear skirts, I wear black. I am often on an uncomfortable budget without room for large purchases (see the Sam Vimes "Boots" Theory of Economic Injustice). I have not entirely embraced ordering things from catalogs (this includes websites). (Please, ffs, do not turn the comments section into advice on where to shop; I do not think I could handle that right now.) When my wardrobe is insufficient, I check the clothing sections of places where I have successfully gotten clothing that fits my standards as a matter of routine, in hopes that they a) have something, and b) it's in the budget. I do not actually enjoy shopping for clothing under most circumstances.

I know that my view of everyday clothes is not everybody's view of everyday clothes. I know some people have clothes that need to be treated very delicately, and wear them every day. My father at one point took it into his head that to get ahead at work, to be treated like a respectable adult at work and not like the disposable geek, he should dress in business wear. So he switched from jeans and tan work shirts to "plastic clothes" (his term), and he washed and ironed them himself because no one else could be trusted to do it right (and I suspect Mama put her foot down and decided to have none of this noise, and if he was going to create extra work by changing his lifestyle, then he could pick up the extra work that it took). From my perspective as a child, it seemed to be something that gave him very little actual benefit but a whole lot of pain in the ass. We knew about the pain in the ass because he told us about it. (Perhaps he was less complainy than I remember, but it was quite vigorously apparent to us that he resented wearing this, he resented the care it took, and any time he was upset, there was a certain amount of spillover on anyone who had to deal with him. He did not consciously make the decision that because he hated his life, hated his job, and hated wearing plastic clothes, that he would make our lives miserable, but there is only so far you can cope with an irritated guy with an avalanche temper.) I deal with irritation in ways similar to my father. I get snappy. Things that would not otherwise bother me, bother me more. People around me have the pleasure of dealing with me in a Mood. I don't like dealing with me in a Mood. I don't like inflicting that on my friends. So I try to arrange things such that I am not upset often.

So my position on regularly wearing clothes that have fussy care requirements is sort of like my position on being monogamous: some of the people I know practice it, some of them seem to get something out of it, it's really not something I "get", and it seems to cause a lot of misery that from my perspective is mostly unnecessary. It's a valid choice that people make, and I don't want to take that choice away from them, but when all it seems to do is make them complain, my reaction is more "Look at your life! Look at your choices!" than sympathy.

Some Very Special Events, the costuming ritual is part of the buildup of excitement. I want to be there, and I want to look like this, and everything that I do is an important and fulfilling part of it. This is what it's for. This is the good side. This is what allows me to have any degree of sympathy for the people who do this regularly.

Some, I know I want to be there, and I know how I want to look, and I recognize that how I want to look is not going to be comfortable. So I can either go dressed comfortably but miss the exact look I was pitching for, or go dressed uncomfortably and get the look right. I resent the choice. Sometimes I opt for the look, and I usually regret it. Sometimes I opt for comfort, and I am usually fine, but I still wish I had the look. Sometimes I opt for the look and miss by a fucking mile, and then I'm neither comfortable nor looking like I want to, and that makes me cranky as hell.

Some, it's pure irritation. I want to be there, but I resent like fucking hell the fact that I have to DO ALL THIS FUCKING SHIT WHICH I HATE DOING to look as I am expected to look. This gets in the way of my enjoyment, and often as not I wish I'd stayed home. Due to my assorted fun with mobility, shoes are a particular problem. Bad shoes make the difference between "can walk with pain" and "cannot walk". Shoes that look good and feel good are not cheap. I am lucky that I prefer black shoes, because otherwise I'd be searching for type, look, size, comfort, budget, and color, rather than just the five factors. (We have seen my rageface when adding the sixth. Kat is lucky I love her.)

Sometimes, I don't even want to be there, and those are the worst. If, anywhere in there, is clothing that causes me active discomfort, I will be even more miserable and resentful throughout. Since I am in theory a grown-ass adult, I would hope that I would keep the actual complaints about this to Twitter, where it would be out of the way of the people actually trying to enjoy whatever it was. If it's optional, I don't go.

Even the anticipation or fear of clothing discomfort is sometimes enough to make me completely flip my stack, and rationality is no longer a part of this conversation. In short?

SHOES. FUCKING SHOES. I HATE FUCKING SHOES.

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It seems yet again we're from the same planet. While I can (and do) clean up quite well, I prefer to be comfortable than, for a lack of a better term, peacock-y. Shoes are a rage inducing experience as well - I can't find something that looks decent, will last and I can walk in in my size (8-9 US depending, and yes, I know that's not that big. Around here though 5-6 seems to be average).

I am 9.5-10.5 US depending. Oh god, and size differences. I once ran into a same-brand that had two different sizes, without a reasonable distinction between them, so when you pick up a shirt labeled 3x, you have to figure out, okay, is this the 3x that fits me, or the 3x that doesn't fit me? STABBYRAGE.

I basically cannot get clothing that is not socks/underwear/gloves/hats at Target. It is like I do not exist. Someone who is the same relative proportions as me, but shorter, can get clothes there, but since I am big *and* tall...

If I think about it too long, I get even more cranky, though.

I hear you. SO MUCH.

I swear designers think that all of us who are bigger are vertically challenged. Um, no. Being 6' and at minimum right now a size 18 (depending on who makes it, etc) makes, as you said, for FUN. I swear, it's a 4am in the morning decision.

[hands over spatula of smite]

I had the opposite problem for a while; I don't know who they were designing for, but for a year or two I had a hard time finding clothes past 18-20 that weren't made for at least 5'10" wearers. They just puddled around my feet when I tried them on. And then the one my sister hates: the assumption that because you wear a 24 you must be at least a DD.

Word. Wordy McWORD, to all of this. Probably will write more intelligent commentary when I am not fresh home from work, but a resounding "This is my experience" to all of these clothing (and FUCKING SHOES) related shenanigans.

SHOES. RGH. Especially when they seem just fine in the shoe store (or, if bought online, when walking around inside), but get them onto concrete and make them unreturnable and *then* they show their true colors.

I used to not have trouble with this, but towards the end of '08 it all went to hell.

And this for sneakers, not even anything that's trying to look fancy.

FUCKING SHOES.

And someone pointed out a point I'd forgotten: durable. Based on the last pair, I might get a year or two out of these sneakers.

So my position on regularly wearing clothes that have fussy care requirements is sort of like my position on being monogamous: some of the people I know practice it, some of them seem to get something out of it, it's really not something I "get", and it seems to cause a lot of misery that from my perspective is mostly unnecessary.

This, this, a thousand times THIS.

I will be at the Vampire Masquerade Ball in PDX in two weeks. I will enjoy dressing up for that. The rest of the time? I am clean, I am covered sufficient to comply with local decency ordinances, and any open wounds are bandaged -- more than that should not be expected from me.

Honestly, the thing about shoes that pisses me off the most is the fact that you are required to wear them in a lot of situations.

Thank you, I know what I'm doing going barefoot and also a pair of flip-flops, which is sufficient in most cases, is not actually any more protection. Than, you know, me knowing what I'm doing and having fairly tough feet.

Shoes of all kinds and I get along fine when they're my damn choice. But a lot of the time, they aren't and that drives me nuts.

(I'm actually planning to pick up a pair of moccasin sole tabi slippers when I have the money. I think they'll piss me off LESS than most shoes when I want to be barefoot and am not permitted to be.)

With you 100% on all of it (except the monogamy thing, that works for me, but I understand why it doesn't for others and fully support the people in relationships defining them, to hell with everyone else). There's a reason why my preferred clothing are overalls or BDUs and flip flops.

In my experience, the "dressed up" thing is one of the most frustrating moments of gender inequality, one that at one point triggered a full mental breakdown.

As a guy, in most situations I can get away with khaki's, a dress shirt and a tie. If it's really freaking fancy I'll have to swap my khakis for slacks and throw on a jacket. It requires almost no thought, and very little stress once I'd actually acquired the clothing items needed.

When I had to present as female? It was a complete nightmare. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothing for a job I had, and 90% of my wardrobe was extremely uncomfortable (I looked great though!). But nothing compared to my shoe problem. They don't make womens shoes in a size that fits my foot, I'd have had to get them custom made. And in fact, they don't make androgynous looking mens shoes that fit me either. I ended up with these sandaly things that had laces and I could cram my feet into, even though by the end of the day my feet were swollen to massive proportions and I had shooting pain up my legs and into my butt.

I still can't find a pair of dress shoes. When I have something fancy I have to dress up for, I go out and buy a brand new pair of Converse All Stars and hope that the clearly squeaky clean look of them allows me to pass with "oh that's just quirky style" rather than "omg grubby sneakers?! at a wedding!?"

When I was still working in medicine I had 'default attire'; Tan or navy Eddie Bauer chinos (one of few brands that I can get with a 34" inseam), black, beige or white polo shirts (which I would buy in twos of each color when on sale) and Dansko clogs.

In many ways it's actually harder to dress myself these days -- because of the meds I'm on my waist and bust can vary by /inches/ over the course of hours or days. Drawstring skirts and pants with tunic tops and slip on shoes. My friends and family can tell if I'm having a bad back/neuropathy day by whether or not I'm wearing socks. On a bad day they're really not worth the effort unless I'm going to be out in the snow.

ETA: The picture in the icon was taken while I was recovering from walking around for eight days on a broken foot. Anything with heels is now strictly decorative and totally *NOT* weight-bearing.

Edited 2011-03-11 13:14 (UTC)

My wedding shoes were blue Doc Martens mary janes.

http://users.rcn.com/kateshort/images/webwed/docs.jpg

Shoes can be fabulous, and it is possible to find good ones that look good and fit well and don't hurt. But just as there's a triangle of quality / speed / price for business products, there's a triangle of comfort / style / price for shoes. They can be comfy and cheap, but look like hell. They can be stylish and cheap, but hurt. They can be comfy and stylish, but it's gonna cost you.

If they weren't Mary Janes, I wouldn't be so put out about the whole thing. But I have taken a dislike to the style, and they're going to be pretty much single-event shoes. I hate single-event clothing.

Nobody says you have to wear Mary Janes, either. My point was that even at my wedding, as the bride, I said "screw this" to the typical white satin heels, and went for comfort first and style second.

Honestly, most people aren't going to be looking at your feet. It's just fine to go with something comfortable! The main thing is for shoes for a dressy occasion to be clean. I've seen guys wear jeans to weddings before. They just happen to be their nice jeans, as opposed to the raggedy holes-all-over ones. Get shoes that are comfortable, nice, and clean, that you can indeed wear again. Heck, if you wear a long skirt or long pants, most people won't even see the shoes, yes?

In this particular case, somebody does say.

Kat is the bride. I am a bridesmaid. Kat says. I will do it, because I love her, but I am going to complain.

Ahhhhhhhh. I'd missed that part of the equation.

One of my old jobs was writing tours and researching history for a national park. It came with a uniform. That was the Best Job In the World for that very reason. The uniform came in every size, it flattered no one but looked horrible on no one, it was strong and serviceable and could be made warmer in winter and cooler in summer with accessories. There was even a hat. The bosses wore it and the labourers wore it and everyone could tell at a glance who we all worked for. You needed to do one batch of ironing a week, but everything could be tossed through the washer. There were a few types of recommended shoes, for which we received a discount.

I have long thought that a lot of working life would be made easier if every job came with a uniform. Especially if they were all ones that were fire-retardant, suitable for boats and riding, and could be run in.

My bakery job had a uniform. They did the washing for you.

Perfect stuff! Just think how much more mental energy people would have for work is the whole getting dressed saga no longer existed? And you could go absolutely wild on the weekend!

I used to hate shoes. Then I found one pair that was black, flat, wide enough for my duck feet, easy to wear, and I promptly bought five pairs. Still on the first two pairs, a year later. I am the happiest person in the world now regarding shoes. I am sorry you do not have my shoe luck.

I have decent luck with sneakers.

I began hating shoes with a passion when a friend sniped at me for showing up to a concert in full steampunk with sneakers. FUCK YOU I NEED TO WALK.

In the department of "Kat is lucky that I love her", I need to find non-black Mary Janes, preferably with a heel, which she approves of. And since I am not flexible enough to manage two-handed shoe buckles anymore, it must be non-buckly.

I hate Mary Janes. I can wear kitten heels. I cannot wear three inch heels and also walk more than two steps or stand more than two minutes. Non-black in a color I do not hate? In size 10?

I am very much like you in matters of opinion on dress and also have encountered many of the same problems. I would be perfectly happy if I could find black trousers that never wore out (or I have a large supply of them) and looked reasonably professional and were comfortable, and colourful tops to which same applied, and shoes and bras and underwear to which same applied.

I hate being uncomfortable. Everything and everyone around me, in addition to of course myself, suffers when I'm wearing clothes that don't fit right.

*commiserates*

The message I took from 9/11, in the midst of fear, and panic, and patriotism, was to always wear shoes you could walk in. My preference is for boots, shoes with thin, flexible soles, and flip flops. The trend for little slippers you're meant to keep in your purse, to put on when serious heels get uncomfy, is making me wonder if maybe other people are starting to see things the same way.

If I had the energy to manage the initial search and acquisition, I'd have a wardrobe of eightish identical outfits, and avoid the whole damn clothes-thinking thing.

Last time I got up the nerve to try a new shoe-buying place in my new city, I got resoundingly scolded for thinking about it by a friend. Why would I want to go there, when we were visiting the old city in a few weeks and I could go to this one shoe shop there? They have the best shoes! There's no point in going anywhere else!

I didn't point out that with the proportions of my feet, there's simply no point in going to mainstream shoe shops. I didn't point out that he's always had an easy time buying shoes for his (fairly standard, although slightly longer than normal) feet. I didn't point out that a store that focuses on running shoes is not the best place to buy sandals, which are all I've worn in the years I've known him. I didn't point out that maybe I'd made my original choice for valid reasons.

But neither did I buy shoes at either place, nor have I tried in the six months since. I'm sufficiently avoidant of shoe-shopping anyway that it doesn't take much to scare me off. I'm hoping to get over the avoidance in time to try out the local specialty shop before my current shoes fall apart or smell too bad for work.

All this is, I guess, a tl;dr way of agreeing with your SHOE HATE RAGE GRAR.

Clothes are shit.

I hate shoe shopping with a passion, and I love my work pajama. Loose short-sleeved shirt with large pockets, wide pants with elastic waist. All in white, or possibly green. Legally mandated clothing, and they wash it for us.

Well, I don't love the white pants when I'm on my period, but you can't have it all.

I quite like clothing, to a degree. Comfort is key- I own very few things that are not comfy, and they fall into the "costume" category.

But I like playing with color, and I like playing with shape. Even if 90% of it is "tunic or tank top or t-shirt with a cardigan over jeans" and the other 10% is "Things to do with T-shirt dresses".

But far more that my particulars with clothes?

Shoes. I hate shoping for them. I do. I wear an 8, but I have a high arch and the tops of my feet are way taller than usual. And I refuse to wear uncomfy shoes.

Period. Break a foot once in kitten heels, and that is DONE.

I've switched to the one brand of shoes that I like and fit (Simple), and that's it. I buy them on ebay. Has saved me so much money, time and effort- if I need a new pair, I see what is on sale on ebay.

I'm hoping I'm not the one who started all this.

But why on earth do you need a pair of heels?

I need a pair of non-black Mary Janes, ideally with heels, for zarhooie's wedding.

I, too hate shoes. That's why I buy and wear men's shoes now; they fit my feet better and don't have stupid heels.

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