Oh huh.

[azurelunatic]

A little thought plonked into my brain, regarding the naming of Lunatics. The initial split was caused by having me answer to the formal form of my name that I'd never been forced to answer to before, in a new and stressful environment. It's been established that I will establish new personalities for any sufficiently stressful environment, and that there have been workplace personalities before. It's also been fairly well established that [legal name] is basically a different person than Azz.

The new little thought is: what if most workplace environments (particularly those I've been in) are inherently stressful enough to cause splits, and the fact that I am answering to my legal name at the workplace is sufficient to alienate me from my legal name, because she gets the shitwork?

It makes a certain amount of sense. After all, at home I answered to the diminutive, not the actual legal name. Really, the only person who calls me by the actual legal name and not the diminutive who I could not do without is the best friend. (I'm sure there are more I would miss eventually, but I cannot do without him.)

With that in mind, I now wonder what would happen if I got a workplace where I could in fact be Azz, and then some annoying kicked up. Would we retreat into another identity there as well?

Comments

[litotease]

With that in mind, I now wonder what would happen if I got a workplace where I could in fact be Azz, and then some annoying kicked up. Would we retreat into another identity there as well?

That's a really intriguing question. My first impulsive thought was, "Hopefully, if she's in a place where she can be Azz, she's in a place that's supportive enough that she wouldn't have to retreat." But that's not necessarily so, is it? I mean, even the most supportive workplace is a workplace, and annoying &/or stressful stuff will happen. So my next though was, "God, she needs to not ever use Azz at a workplace so she can keep that identity a safe place." Which means not being able to be your chosen self for the majority of your waking hours, which sucks rotten eggs and is lousy.

[azurelunatic]

I'm Azz on LJ. I used to volunteer for LJ. There was a time when I got a personally-directed "come-to-Jesus" speech that hit during a particularly vulnerable point. I did not kill myself. I am very glad I did not kill myself. I did go straight to jd's and he got me drunk and we caught up on our Google Reader backlog, and then once I was both safe and not-drunk, I went home and slept.

[leora]

I am sorry that happened. I also find it disturbing that it happened.

[azurelunatic]

I had an unsafe amount of my identity wrapped up there.

[leora]

*nods* But also protecting volunteers was something I really wanted to do. I really wanted to make a healthy volunteer environment for people. I sometimes really failed at that, and looking back, there are many things I wish I'd done differently (it's hard when you are so busy and overwhelmed and caught up in things, and I had to learn from experience too), but I really wanted Support to be a positive, healthy environment for people to volunteer in. And even the best system will sometimes hurt people by mistake. But sometimes, when I was tempted to leave, I'd think about things I was staying for, and one of the things I was staying for was to try to protect and support the volunteers with fewer privs than I had. In fact, I quit the first time, because I was no longer able to effectively do that, which made it kind of pointless for me to be a volunteer other than my desire to help support the positive signs of what LJ seemed to be doing for Russia, but that wasn't enough for me to personally volunteer.

Anyhow, that was a huge thing for me, so it really saddens me whenever a volunteer got badly hurt. I strongly suspect the intent was not to hurt you, but that isn't the point. I also am sure I hurt people at times through not handling things as well as I should have, but I really wanted a positive environment. And one of my biggest regrets afterward, when I had more distance and reflection was not encouraging a healthier admin culture, which I think would have supported a healthier overall Support culture.

[azurelunatic]

The intent was absolutely not to hurt me, and under the circumstances it was about as kindly done as it could have been, but the fact that it got to that point was bad, and once it got to that point it was going to wind up with someone getting hurt.

[leora]

Well, I'm glad you had someone to turn to. I'm sorry it got to that point. I'm glad it was kindly done.

Support was easy to get too wrapped up in. :/

[jd]

It matched (matches?) so many of the signs of the Sick Systems article you posted a while back.

[litotease]

and he got me drunk and we caught up on our Google Reader backlog, and then once I was both safe and not-drunk, I went home and slept.

Booze in a safe place with a safe friend + things to read + sleep = the best possible cure for feeling unsafe that I can think of.

And, yeah, that's the kind of 'Oh, God, no' reaction I was having. I was thinking of me and my pseud: my wallet name has to carry all of this psychic armor around all of the time; Grace gets to lay it down. I really want to keep it that way.

[azurelunatic]

My wallet name has a different kind of armor on account of having had to do phone work, but Azz has not-insubstantial armor on account of Living On The Internet. LJ Suggestions moderation is not a job for the defenseless. Though one of the things that kept me going when the place I depended on to shelter and heal me stopped doing so was the thought that a) people were depending on me, b) I could quit at any time, c) I was doing good work.

Those are all powerful defenses.