azurelunatic | more little things that bug me: not allowed

(This is apropos of seeing something similar happen not-to-me and remembering that it makes my skin itch.)

There are two ways the situation tends to go.

Something lousy happens, either by me doing something really stupid, doing it accidentally, or sometimes without any doing on my part (getting a bad cold).

I express my unhappiness with the situation. Usually when it's a direct result of my actions, I lead off with "I fucked up, you guys. Oh wow did I fuck up." Sometimes I'm looking for advice. A lot of times I'm just looking for comfort.

When it's something that I did, sometimes the response is "Don't do that, then."

When it's something that's happened to me without anything that I actually contributed to the situation, sometimes the response is "You're not allowed [to get sick, or whatever]!"

Neither of those are practical suggestions that could help me deal with the situation that I am currently in.

"Don't do that" was either advice I could have used beforehand, or was exactly what I was trying to do. If I could have used the warning beforehand, this statement will hurt me. If I knew that I needed to not do that beforehand, this statement will make me even more angry than I already am, not just at myself but now at you too. Either way, it is not comforting, and tells me that the next time I am in distress, you are not a person I should reveal that to.

"You're not allowed" says, to the irrational four-year-old parts of my brain that don't listen to the rest of the Collective, that not only are we miserable, but we are now in trouble for something that is not actually our fault. The irrational miserable parts don't understand it when someone says words that don't agree with what is actually meant. The irrational parts conclude that you cannot tell the difference between things that happened to me and things that I did on purpose, and you will blame me and I will be in trouble. The next time I am in distress that was not of my own making, I cannot trust you to help me without getting me in trouble.

Humans are complicated. This is why I'm not an actual extrovert. It's too much work. I hate humans.

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"Don't do that" also seems to imply that they think you haven't learned from your mistake (if applicable), which also rubs me the wrong way. In fact, I ran into something like this earlier this evening on my way home from work, so I know all too well just how dismissive and condescending it is to be told something like that when you're already doing what you can to correct the situation. It's like they're continuing to rub your nose into it, even after you've acknowledged and apologized for it, at which point, it's been long rendered unproductive.

And WTF at "you're not allowed to get sick" (or anything else over which you have no reasonable control over). O_o;; That just smacks of the old "pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep a stiff upper lip" mentality that drives me up a wall.

I have heard "you're not allowed to ___" from people who clearly meant it as deeply worried and caring, but "not allowed" hits bad tape and spamfilters.

Ahh, good point, and I have heard it in that context as well. It's still dismissive and very annoying to hear, but I've come to take it with a grain of salt when it's clearly meant in a well-meaning caring for one's welfare sense.

Being an extrovert is not a choice, really. And it's not something good.

http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts – read this article. Now.

It is an excellent article. I've read it before. I have enough acting training, and enough front-line customer service/support/retail experience, that I can play an extrovert as I'm called to, and well enough to fool other introverts for a while. And then I go hide and recharge again.

Pardon the thread-jack, but I just have to say, that is indeed a fascinating article. Especially the part about how neurotransmitters affect introverts differently from extroverts explains a great deal.

Does the "if you die of $cause, we'll kill you" mock threat (where $cause may refer to the same range of unintended events or ones you have no control on) hit you the same way?

It depends.

Ever since you told me before that some people just don't need to hear advice at various points, I've been putting effort into making sure I don't do that sort of thing, and, if I'm not sure, asking *first* whether advice is wanted.

So, thank you for that. :)

For me and mine, "Don't do that, then" is generally a response when there is no other response, as a replacement for "Nice job there" or "Well that was silly".

eg. [SCENE: YESTERDAY]
Me: I burnt the shit out of my finger on the oven rack.
Uncle: Yeah, don't do that.

The general reaction I have when people say it to me is sheepishness or 'yeah... that was kind of moronic wasn't it' because it usually is a situation that you learn not to get into by the time you hit grade school. Hot things are hot. Be careful what you're touching when you plug or unplug things from outlets. Watch where you're going.

I guess the people around you must use that phrase in a different circumstance.

*nod* This is how it's used in my family.

That wasn't part of the local phrasebook when I was growing up, so my first exposure to the phrasing was actually specific to a really amazingly unhelpful form of technical "support", with exchanges of the following pattern:

User: "It crashes when I accidentally try to drag something that wasn't meant to be dragged."
Technical support (usually the program developer): "Well, don't do that, then."

I don't have the same reaction to something like "Oo. Not recommended!"; the specific thing that hits me badly is "Don't do that, then," because of the very strong association with the blaming of the bug-discoverer and refusal to support genuine problems.

This is actually surprising to me, largely because to me "hey, you're not allowed to do this thing that might hurt you" has wry kink connotations of "gee, if only I could *actually* use your kink buttons to make sure you take care of yourself," especially when used in contexts where it's clearly ludicrous (like getting sick).

I think I would be fine with not-allowed-to from people who have the Authority to issue me orders, in situations where I actually had influence over the circumstances leading to the outcome.

synecdochic is allowed to order me to never hang out with AK-47 Guy again (and did). This is an acceptable order.

However, I was thrashed too often before the age of proper reason for reasons I did not properly understand to ever be OK with getting punished or even in trouble for things that were not my fault, even when it is clearly ludicrous to a rational person (see: at times my father was not a rational person). I am no longer hypervigilant about Following The Rules, which was a source of much anxiety as a kid, but I am still reluctant to deliberately introduce More Rules That I Must Be Aware Of At All Times, even in jest.

Bad, bad tape.

These really rub me the wrong way, too. Sorry you've been getting been getting that.

more little things that bug me: not allowed

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