azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2012-06-11 04:30 am

Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion (part 3)

Part 2

Azz is not Skippy. Many of these things are rules gathered from situations encountered, rather than actual orders issued. My long-suffering Overlady does in fact know where to find my blog if she so chooses.

  1. Should not come to work if I am actively a zombie.
  2. Not allowed to emulate Facebook employees and discuss technical work information in the clear on Caltrain.
  3. While 10 copies of The Mythical Man-Month would be a hilarious way to underscore a point with an unrealistic manager, we do not appear to have any of those in our department. (I did not pull this prank; I heard about it on Twitter.)
  4. Even though getting a papercut from a post-it is a stupid workplace injury, it should probably still be reported as one.
  5. Should not cause the fancy, expensive, imported espresso machine to explode. Or dribble water all over the counter.
  6. Yes, the gods of the supply closet have yielded 25 each scissors and rulers unto me. They are not, however, to be used for nefarious purposes.
  7. Not allowed to have knife fights on the footbridge over IRC nicknames. (Actual order first issued by Rah.)
  8. Complaining about the fortune cookies is permitted, but uncouth. (Not only not me, but those fortune cookies sounded awesome.)
  9. Should refrain from trolling co-workers who have made incorrect gender assumptions based on lack of overt gender cues in name, and presence in an IRC channel in a technical workplace.
  10. It is not necessary to share the "urethra bees" concept with any co-worker, even if it is in an IRC channel.
  11. Regardless of how bad that printer actually is, "black & shite" is an unacceptable (if accurate) typo for the purposes of internal documentation.
  12. If a manager says that a particular employee is no longer with us, there is no need to ask clarifying questions about his whereabouts.
  13. Should refrain from getting into situations where giving IT my network password is in fact the best and only way to troubleshoot the situation. (I did not actually cause the situation, but I was certainly in it.)
  14. After giving IT my network password and having them fix stuff, I must change it promptly.
  15. Should not share my true feelings about certain in-house technologies with the names attached in public.
  16. Should feel free to file bugs about any in-house technology that is not behaving acceptably, especially if it is interfering with my job function. (Heh, heh, heh.)
  17. Probably should not make Homestuck references in helpdesk tickets.
  18. Not allowed to snipe scheduled conference rooms by showing up five minutes before one meeting ends and barging in before the people who actually scheduled it arrive.
  19. As funny as it is to have a joke name such as "James Tiberius Kirk" on an office door, it doesn't help the people using the directory to find your office who have never met you actually locate you. (This is not me.)
  20. "Beware of the Leopard" jokes should be used sparingly.
  21. Not all Thinkpad laptops are actually named Jim; insisting this is so may attract some weird looks from co-workers.
  22. "Let's make friendship bracelets!" is an excellent proposal to air when timed to make the grandboss spray coffee, but not a viable proposal for a fun activity at an upcoming conference.
  23. When filing a humorous ticket (in an attempt to snag helpdesk ticket 1,000,000) about the "ceiling of the big blue room leaking", make sure that the facilities guys realize that it's a joke.
  24. Should not initiate brawls that kick the meeting schedule off the rails. (Initiating brawls is fine as long as they're productive; it's shredding the meeting schedule that's the problem.)
  25. "Over 9000" is probably not an acceptable way to transcribe the customer's answer to "how many [devices] do you manage", even though it is technically correct.
  26. As amusing as the "substitute every instance of 'cloud' with 'clown'" game is at work, work is probably the worst place to actually play it. (My Overlady started this one, but I'm the one who has doodles of clouds with red noses.)
  27. Adding "rumpus" to the name of a planned meeting only goes so far to liven it up.
  28. Must not name meetings "rumpus" when they're with people outside the department.
  29. Really must not name meetings "rumpus" when they're with people outside the company.
  30. Not allowed to install a zipline for easier transport between buildings. (This was not me.)
  31. Not allowed to use trebuchets for easier transport between buildings. (Again, not me.)
  32. Not allowed to use trebuchets to get the attention of Facebook. (Part of the same conversation as the above, also not me.)
  33. Not allowed to use any siege engines against Facebook. (It was a particularly fun conversation. Still not me.)
  34. Not allowed to order miniature siege engines for table toys at the upcoming conference. (This one? Totally me.)
  35. No projectile toys of any kind allowed at the conference.
  36. No noisy toys allowed at the conference.
  37. Those little branded concave metal discs that you push so the wrong side is briefly convex until it pops? Both noisy and projectile, and therefore *double* not allowed. (Drat!)
  38. NO VUVUZELAS.
  39. "Bring-your-rooster-to-work day" is not a holiday that this company acknowledges or celebrates.
    Metal rooster sculpture between one and two feet high, in an office cubicle, with a tag saying "Knock, knock" on him.
  40. If the answer to any question starts with "Well, I ran into this thing on the internet...", that question probably does not need to be answered at work.
  41. The answer to all the random annoyances of life is not in fact 'trebuchet'.
  42. I am totally allowed to hold the bad web design practices of caterers against them when narrowing down the field.


Part 4

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