Thank you. (Depression, past thoughts of suicide.)

[azurelunatic]

Thank you to River, who did have time one afternoon when I called asking if he had time to talk. I don't remember what we talked about. I don't remember if I told him that it was very good that he'd had time, because I was desperately in need of human contact, and he was the last person on my list of people who wouldn't make it worse.

I was very careful to ask if he had time. Starting a conversation and having someone turn out to be too busy would have been another rejection, and I knew how very precarious my brain was just then.

After that, I owed him one. A big one.


Then there was boojum, who called when I posted a desperate entry with my new phone number. I fell entirely apart that time, just a sobbing mess.


Ro took me apart and gave me the tools to put myself back together, with near-infinite patience.

Darkside had less patience, but would never hurt me, and didn't take too kindly to me being cruel to myself.


When I went long enough without a job to be convinced I was worthless, and was incapacitated enough with that to be useless at effectively finding one, Kat was just randomly assuring me that I was a worthwhile human being and it totally undid my defenses and I broke down and then a song came on the radio and that helped too. I'd had a plan.


After that I decided that since my brain was going to be that sort of dick, I might as well use mental judo. So now my plan is natural old age.

Comments

[kaberett]

Thank you for talking about this, & I am sending love your way. xx

[kaberett]

(& for me, a large part of it is Thank You Dreamwidth: thank you for having me tag dw_suggestions, thank you for IRC being there, etc.)

[azurelunatic]

I reckoned that because I can talk about it, I should, to highlight how some of the most important rescue conversations didn't really go deep into What Was Wrong, just a "hey, sure, I care enough to give you half an hour."

Not that long ago, someone asked me if I had time to talk about Anything But That, and I did, and I resisted the temptation to talk about That, even though I was concerned and curious, because that would have been a Very Bad Idea. And they seem to be doing better now, and they were out of danger by the end of the chat.

I share this bit because sometimes someone chattering about good fic or whatever -- it's the connection, not always the content. They talked about That when they were ready and not before.

[kaberett]

Yes, exactly. The reassurance that there are things other than That to talk about, that even with how huge and overwhelming and going-to-swallow-me-up-right-this-instant it feels, other people can throw you a literal lifeline.

I do talking as well, when I can, and - yeah. I value it so much to hear other people doing similar. <3