Thank you. (Depression, past thoughts of suicide.)

[azurelunatic]

Thank you to River, who did have time one afternoon when I called asking if he had time to talk. I don't remember what we talked about. I don't remember if I told him that it was very good that he'd had time, because I was desperately in need of human contact, and he was the last person on my list of people who wouldn't make it worse.

I was very careful to ask if he had time. Starting a conversation and having someone turn out to be too busy would have been another rejection, and I knew how very precarious my brain was just then.

After that, I owed him one. A big one.


Then there was boojum, who called when I posted a desperate entry with my new phone number. I fell entirely apart that time, just a sobbing mess.


Ro took me apart and gave me the tools to put myself back together, with near-infinite patience.

Darkside had less patience, but would never hurt me, and didn't take too kindly to me being cruel to myself.


When I went long enough without a job to be convinced I was worthless, and was incapacitated enough with that to be useless at effectively finding one, Kat was just randomly assuring me that I was a worthwhile human being and it totally undid my defenses and I broke down and then a song came on the radio and that helped too. I'd had a plan.


After that I decided that since my brain was going to be that sort of dick, I might as well use mental judo. So now my plan is natural old age.

Comments

[amberfox]

Old age is good; old age works. My mother was very upfront about her occasional desire to drive into an overpass pillar, one of those accidents people have when they're exhausted. When I had the energy to care that much, I favored overdose. I'm not sure what my sister's plan is, but I know she had one. We're doing better now, but it's important to remember that it happened and how we got out and, most importantly, that gone now doesn't promise fixed forever. But gone now is an AWESOME start.

[azurelunatic]

Gone now means space to breathe and poke at things so that when it returns, it won't have as much ammunition.

[kaberett]

Thank you for talking about this, & I am sending love your way. xx

[kaberett]

(& for me, a large part of it is Thank You Dreamwidth: thank you for having me tag dw_suggestions, thank you for IRC being there, etc.)

[azurelunatic]

I reckoned that because I can talk about it, I should, to highlight how some of the most important rescue conversations didn't really go deep into What Was Wrong, just a "hey, sure, I care enough to give you half an hour."

Not that long ago, someone asked me if I had time to talk about Anything But That, and I did, and I resisted the temptation to talk about That, even though I was concerned and curious, because that would have been a Very Bad Idea. And they seem to be doing better now, and they were out of danger by the end of the chat.

I share this bit because sometimes someone chattering about good fic or whatever -- it's the connection, not always the content. They talked about That when they were ready and not before.

[kaberett]

Yes, exactly. The reassurance that there are things other than That to talk about, that even with how huge and overwhelming and going-to-swallow-me-up-right-this-instant it feels, other people can throw you a literal lifeline.

I do talking as well, when I can, and - yeah. I value it so much to hear other people doing similar. <3

[pauamma]

Plans are good. So are people who don't let you be mean to yourself.

[silveradept]

And we're glad you're still with us today, because the world without you would be very much less.

(Not just because I would never have been introduced to the idea of a fishmum, which I still think is awesome.)

[zarhooie]

<3

[azurelunatic]

<3

[rynia]

I am remarkably glad you still exist and that your existence has intersected with mine.