Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-16 04:18 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-16 04:18 am
general bitch and moan moment
LJ is probably one of the prime places to hash this sort of thing out, or it would be if it were a little more secluded.
So why have I fallen head over heels for Darkside, anyway? And why Darkside?
This is the fruits of what looks to be an evening sitting in front of the computer, playing Bejeweled and getting depressed. I leave the music off and the sound effects low, for the record.
Why head over heels in love?
That's been my definition, ever since long ago. Everyone's got to have some sort of guiding light that they cling to. Mine's always been love, or some obsession, at any rate. I just swap them around every now and then when I get bored of them, grow out of them. When I've attained the object of my obsession, I suddenly re-attain all the minor interests that everyone does have. My mind becomes affixed to the object of my desire; I attach nearly all my processing power to the analysis, hoping to latch onto something that will allow me to attain my objective.
This would be far more valuable to the world in general had I not decided, from early on, to go after love.
I remember the first time I fell in love. I don't remember much about why it was that I fell in love, but I do remember his name. He was in my first grade class (and my second grade class too) and he was the class clown, and he ate glue. I thought he was irritating as hell at first, but something about him caught my attention, and I decided that, when I grew up, I was of course going to be married to him. When I went to sleep at night, I imagined him lying next to me, warm and comfortable and friendly.
Why did I want to get married? Lonliness, I suppose. I wouldn't change my childhood now, of course, liking who I am too much... but I had very few friends. Narcissa somehow always managed to be more social. I envied her that, and imagined it the conspiracy of an unkind universe, denying me the close friends she always managed to gather. It was rare that I had more than one or two good friends at a time; four was a lot for me.
I've been in love with somebody or other more or less constantly ever since I was exposed to people outside my family for extended amounts of time (since school, basically).
Why deconstruct my mind? Nothing better to do. Hopefully to understand myself. Maybe figure out what makes me obsessive so I can undo it.
I'm not obsessing over Darkside as badly as I did over, say, That Idiot Shawn. Then, Darkside's a far nicer, more ethical, more mature man; he doesn't encourage my obsession with one hand and smack me down with the other. Rather, he tries to understand me and help me understand myself, while being a perfectly happy friend. That's a huge difference.
I need someone or something to love. At heart I'm really social; while I prefer solitude to the company of most people, I prefer the silent company of my nearest and dearest to complete isolation. I cannot bear complete isolation. Like so many people, I'm caught up in the search for those people who are to be the people I can spend the rest of my life near to.
But who? That's always been the question. Ideally, to best satisfy my hunger for solitude, I'd like one person to hang with. But, practically speaking, unless that one person were an identical match to all the many quirks that humans have that are inherent in me, and grew at the exact same rate, to reflect each other's quirks perfectly still, it would never work. So a group of others. Still, the idea of one close-match lifemate engages my attention. I find that sort of pairing to be almost mythical.
Darkside's a very good pattern match. Except he doesn't think of me in that way. Damn.
So why have I fallen head over heels for Darkside, anyway? And why Darkside?
This is the fruits of what looks to be an evening sitting in front of the computer, playing Bejeweled and getting depressed. I leave the music off and the sound effects low, for the record.
Why head over heels in love?
That's been my definition, ever since long ago. Everyone's got to have some sort of guiding light that they cling to. Mine's always been love, or some obsession, at any rate. I just swap them around every now and then when I get bored of them, grow out of them. When I've attained the object of my obsession, I suddenly re-attain all the minor interests that everyone does have. My mind becomes affixed to the object of my desire; I attach nearly all my processing power to the analysis, hoping to latch onto something that will allow me to attain my objective.
This would be far more valuable to the world in general had I not decided, from early on, to go after love.
I remember the first time I fell in love. I don't remember much about why it was that I fell in love, but I do remember his name. He was in my first grade class (and my second grade class too) and he was the class clown, and he ate glue. I thought he was irritating as hell at first, but something about him caught my attention, and I decided that, when I grew up, I was of course going to be married to him. When I went to sleep at night, I imagined him lying next to me, warm and comfortable and friendly.
Why did I want to get married? Lonliness, I suppose. I wouldn't change my childhood now, of course, liking who I am too much... but I had very few friends. Narcissa somehow always managed to be more social. I envied her that, and imagined it the conspiracy of an unkind universe, denying me the close friends she always managed to gather. It was rare that I had more than one or two good friends at a time; four was a lot for me.
I've been in love with somebody or other more or less constantly ever since I was exposed to people outside my family for extended amounts of time (since school, basically).
Why deconstruct my mind? Nothing better to do. Hopefully to understand myself. Maybe figure out what makes me obsessive so I can undo it.
I'm not obsessing over Darkside as badly as I did over, say, That Idiot Shawn. Then, Darkside's a far nicer, more ethical, more mature man; he doesn't encourage my obsession with one hand and smack me down with the other. Rather, he tries to understand me and help me understand myself, while being a perfectly happy friend. That's a huge difference.
I need someone or something to love. At heart I'm really social; while I prefer solitude to the company of most people, I prefer the silent company of my nearest and dearest to complete isolation. I cannot bear complete isolation. Like so many people, I'm caught up in the search for those people who are to be the people I can spend the rest of my life near to.
But who? That's always been the question. Ideally, to best satisfy my hunger for solitude, I'd like one person to hang with. But, practically speaking, unless that one person were an identical match to all the many quirks that humans have that are inherent in me, and grew at the exact same rate, to reflect each other's quirks perfectly still, it would never work. So a group of others. Still, the idea of one close-match lifemate engages my attention. I find that sort of pairing to be almost mythical.
Darkside's a very good pattern match. Except he doesn't think of me in that way. Damn.