Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-16 12:40 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-06-16 12:40 pm
Introspection, early-morning
I was really out of it, writing my last public entry. I started it very depressed, unhappy, disgruntled with the world and especially myself. Playing Bejeweled really makes me think things through. I don't think I got even 1/50 of what I was considering down on the screen; that's mostly OK, because those are adequate bookmarks for what I was tracking around.
Who'd have thought that my massive crushes were intimately related to my swapoff introversion? It makes sense, now that I think about it. Put aside for the moment the question of why Darkside fits, or has been fitted, so well to my sensibilities when searching for a primary partner. I want someone as intensely retiring as myself, someone who won't mind when I prefer to spend my time at home quiet and alone...
But why fix on one person for adoration? That's the burning question of the moment. Perhaps that the person I love is worthy of nothing less. I've got so much love, so much brainpower, so much focus and will. I need someone who can withstand my Will, its full unadulterated power. It makes sense to test them out before actually devoting myself to them. Which doesn't make sense; when I engage someone with my Will full-power, it's not pretend. So, it makes sense for me to engage my Will in someone who's not at the time returning it, to see if they can withstand it. Practically, though, this means that I've got to reconfigure my "falling in love" module, because that just doesn't work.
That's ... hm.
Re-analyzing.
Who'd have thought that my massive crushes were intimately related to my swapoff introversion? It makes sense, now that I think about it. Put aside for the moment the question of why Darkside fits, or has been fitted, so well to my sensibilities when searching for a primary partner. I want someone as intensely retiring as myself, someone who won't mind when I prefer to spend my time at home quiet and alone...
But why fix on one person for adoration? That's the burning question of the moment. Perhaps that the person I love is worthy of nothing less. I've got so much love, so much brainpower, so much focus and will. I need someone who can withstand my Will, its full unadulterated power. It makes sense to test them out before actually devoting myself to them. Which doesn't make sense; when I engage someone with my Will full-power, it's not pretend. So, it makes sense for me to engage my Will in someone who's not at the time returning it, to see if they can withstand it. Practically, though, this means that I've got to reconfigure my "falling in love" module, because that just doesn't work.
That's ... hm.
Re-analyzing.