Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2013-06-07 09:11 am
azurelunatic) wrote2013-06-07 09:11 am
Entry tags:
gender/pronouns: still hating everything
It's useful for me to know that anything that smacks of Other People Dictating Things still makes me explode.
Even when it's not meant to do that.
So there's a love meme; one of the things about this love meme that's meant to be helpful is pronoun listing. And I've got pronouns posted in my profile.
The thing is, it turns out (and I've amended my profile a bit, though it's always said that people who actually know me, and I'm thinking for example thatzarhooie would ACTUALLY KNOW ME, (and I have picked her as an example given that she's my braintwin and all ♥ not because she's done anything that warrants calling out) should use pronouns appropriate to how they know me) that at least in part, I view gender on the internet as a privacy thing. (And that was a fun exercise in nested sentence structure, like unto my teenage emails with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
boojum; the gender topic BRINGS IT ALL BACK.)
Therefore, I am *simultaneously*:
- preferring that people who know me with a level of emotional intimacy to have been allowed through my various defensive layers be allowed to use individual pronouns, including binary gendered ones, in public
- not wanting to explicitly out myself in a prominent place as someone who ought to receive discrimination as a woman
- flailing angrily over the idea that people who know me with great emotional intimacy and are therefore allowed to use appropriate binary gendered pronouns might mistake instructions meant for people who don't know me from the next Lunatic as an indirect communication that They Are Doing It Wrong
- and then there *still are* situations where plural/gender-neutral pronouns are the most appropriate ones.
GENDER IS HARD AND I HATE IT.
Even when it's not meant to do that.
So there's a love meme; one of the things about this love meme that's meant to be helpful is pronoun listing. And I've got pronouns posted in my profile.
The thing is, it turns out (and I've amended my profile a bit, though it's always said that people who actually know me, and I'm thinking for example that
zarhooie would ACTUALLY KNOW ME, (and I have picked her as an example given that she's my braintwin and all ♥ not because she's done anything that warrants calling out) should use pronouns appropriate to how they know me) that at least in part, I view gender on the internet as a privacy thing. (And that was a fun exercise in nested sentence structure, like unto my teenage emails with boojum; the gender topic BRINGS IT ALL BACK.) Therefore, I am *simultaneously*:
- preferring that people who know me with a level of emotional intimacy to have been allowed through my various defensive layers be allowed to use individual pronouns, including binary gendered ones, in public
- not wanting to explicitly out myself in a prominent place as someone who ought to receive discrimination as a woman
- flailing angrily over the idea that people who know me with great emotional intimacy and are therefore allowed to use appropriate binary gendered pronouns might mistake instructions meant for people who don't know me from the next Lunatic as an indirect communication that They Are Doing It Wrong
- and then there *still are* situations where plural/gender-neutral pronouns are the most appropriate ones.
GENDER IS HARD AND I HATE IT.
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A couple of years ago, we decided the official pronoun of #Yuletide was "Batman." That was a fascinating chat session.
I'm sorry the pronoun drama at the love meme gives you distress. :(
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The pronoun thing has the benefit of bothering me in a novel way, which means I can learn from it.
Edit:
Also, having had the time to reflect, having this happen when touched off by the well-intentioned actions of someone I like, is actually the least bad way to have this happen. Not the most pleasant thing in the world, but the other party is blameless and I'm not a seething ball of resentment. (I was a seething ball of resentment at first, but at the situation and myself; now that the thread's been relabeled in the index and I've had a chance to swear at work spreadsheets, I have appreciably chilled out, and at no point was I actually resenting the other party.) Now, had it been someone who I do not like doing this? All bets are off, and I don't like me when I'm angry.
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Most brilliant thing ever.
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