Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2013-08-24 02:05 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2013-08-24 02:05 pm
Nattering about names
(in reaction to a thing making the rounds about "seriously, you call this one girl ' Lady Gaga'; why is it so hard to respect Chelsea Manning's declared new name?")
Name choice is always going to be very personal and it's important enough that it needs to be respected. Human nature says that there always will be people who declare their name is something obnoxious, offensive, or obscene just to fuck with the people playing by the rules, but it is so important to the people who are not fucking with the public that it needs to remain open. This is the sort of thing where people need to allow first, and only disallow after establishing bad faith.
The problem with that is that some fuckwads assume that anyone identifying as a gender they weren't assigned at birth is inherently acting in bad faith. Those people are fuckwads and also incorrect.
There are other, less fuckwaddy but still Wrong On And Off The Internet folks who point out that there can be a lot of trying on names but not having them stick during any transitional period that involves names, AND THEREFORE (and this is why they are wrong) nobody should bother to learn and use the new name until it is certain to be permanent.
Name churn is an inconvenience and possibly a cognitive challenge for surrounding people, but the ill effects of being called the wrong name are bad enough to justify insisting. Generally people are socialized against certain forms of inconvenience to others, so there is already gatekeeping against frivolous requests. Enough so that sometimes people put up with being called a name that does not suit until they go somewhere else, to spare others confusion at their own expense.
Frivolous namechanging is its own punishment. I asked to be called Tasha in one high school class because I thought it would be fun/cute. It was distinctly unpleasant to be called the wrong name for that hour of the day that semester. I was hesitant once I found a name I thought fit, because what if I got it wrong? What if it didn't fit and I had to change again or change back?
Name choice is always going to be very personal and it's important enough that it needs to be respected. Human nature says that there always will be people who declare their name is something obnoxious, offensive, or obscene just to fuck with the people playing by the rules, but it is so important to the people who are not fucking with the public that it needs to remain open. This is the sort of thing where people need to allow first, and only disallow after establishing bad faith.
The problem with that is that some fuckwads assume that anyone identifying as a gender they weren't assigned at birth is inherently acting in bad faith. Those people are fuckwads and also incorrect.
There are other, less fuckwaddy but still Wrong On And Off The Internet folks who point out that there can be a lot of trying on names but not having them stick during any transitional period that involves names, AND THEREFORE (and this is why they are wrong) nobody should bother to learn and use the new name until it is certain to be permanent.
Name churn is an inconvenience and possibly a cognitive challenge for surrounding people, but the ill effects of being called the wrong name are bad enough to justify insisting. Generally people are socialized against certain forms of inconvenience to others, so there is already gatekeeping against frivolous requests. Enough so that sometimes people put up with being called a name that does not suit until they go somewhere else, to spare others confusion at their own expense.
Frivolous namechanging is its own punishment. I asked to be called Tasha in one high school class because I thought it would be fun/cute. It was distinctly unpleasant to be called the wrong name for that hour of the day that semester. I was hesitant once I found a name I thought fit, because what if I got it wrong? What if it didn't fit and I had to change again or change back?
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In 2004 my mother died and I went to a bunch of therapy and decided I was ready to change my name. And I spent months figuring out my new name and then I went to court (which is a whole 'nother story including the court clerk being my ex-husband's cousin which apparently amused the judge considerably) and changed to my new name. Which I love and which honors somebody important to me as well as fitting me and feeling like me when people call me it. And they do! It was one of the best compliments I've ever received, how quickly all my friends and coworkers called me my new, real name quite happily.
I had to wait until I was 43 to change my name, but it was worth finding my own name.
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I'm not saying that everyone who encounters fuckwads when they try to change their name gives up. I'm saying that it makes their transition harder. It's also possible that I've misunderstood what you mean by name churn :)
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So when I got divorced the first time (and was changing my surname back, anyway), I wrote down my first and middle names, then got out the baby name books and wrote down every nickname and variation of both names that I could find, then I chose my new name from that list. It's a nickname for my middle name (my official documents all have my first initial and my new name now).
My sister then said, and I quote, "Why would you do this? It's like me asking everyone to call me Katie." (her middle name is Kathleen). I just stared at her, because as per usual I didn't come up with the correct punch line until three in the morning. Which is, of course, "and your point is?"
Almost half my lifetime later, she's been calling me by my name for years now. The only person who still calls me by my first name is my mother. To paraphrase something Miles Vorkosigan once said (since I love my mother and I'm not going to call her a b@stard [g]), some people you just have to outlive. Hopefully not for a while yet, though.
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Earlier this year I realised that I actually could change my name, that this was okay even thought I don't have a 'proper reason', and I've since picked out my new name and... not jumped yet. Because of name churn (that's a great term for it. Worse than churning your ISP, worse than moving house and changing your details for that everywhere!)
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