I resent the idea that I and friends should have to say "I am having an episode of clinical depression" or whatever when every word is a choice, and every choice is hard; casual use of "I'm depressed" gets me geared up on adrenaline, in can-I-offer-support-or-do-I-need-to-get-out-to-be-safe mode, and if I'm teetering it drags me in.
I just - no, no, no, fucking no, I absolutely point-blank refuse to give the comforting anodyne ascetic spin on this. I refuse to say that "I am clinically depressed" or "I have clinical depression" when what I mean is "I can't remember the last time I had a day when I didn't think about killing myself" or "I'm absolutely certain that 'happiness' is an entirely abstract concept dreamed up by sadists, because I have never experienced it and never will again because it isn't real" or "I can't concentrate on this conversation because my inner forearms are screaming too loudly."
I won't. I simply will not.
I might not say all of that to you, because even - especially - when I am bad, I do not want people to know about it, but I am not going to make it cool and gowned and well-read and polite, because this black dog is not housetrained.
Content note for obvious stuff
I resent the idea that I and friends should have to say "I am having an episode of clinical depression" or whatever when every word is a choice, and every choice is hard; casual use of "I'm depressed" gets me geared up on adrenaline, in can-I-offer-support-or-do-I-need-to-get-out-to-be-safe mode, and if I'm teetering it drags me in.
I just - no, no, no, fucking no, I absolutely point-blank refuse to give the comforting anodyne ascetic spin on this. I refuse to say that "I am clinically depressed" or "I have clinical depression" when what I mean is "I can't remember the last time I had a day when I didn't think about killing myself" or "I'm absolutely certain that 'happiness' is an entirely abstract concept dreamed up by sadists, because I have never experienced it and never will again because it isn't real" or "I can't concentrate on this conversation because my inner forearms are screaming too loudly."
I won't. I simply will not.
I might not say all of that to you, because even - especially - when I am bad, I do not want people to know about it, but I am not going to make it cool and gowned and well-read and polite, because this black dog is not housetrained.