reacting

[azurelunatic]

Best friend, when he graduates college, is most likely to accept a job out of state.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm getting this out of the way now, all the bitching and whining and moaning and general pissiness.

I know it must not be every time, but it sure seems like it. Every time I get a heart-friend who dreams on the same frequency that I do ...

And now that we're adults, we've got a choice. He can choose to take that job. I can choose to stay in Arizona to finish the schooling that I'm getting less and less of a stomach for.

What is wrong with me? What?

I just want to settle down with a nice man (witchy of course) and have a studio of my own and paint when I feel like it and raise a horde of adopted little gamers/witches. I want to write. I fucking want to write for a fucking living.

I can't get anywhere, ever, if I keep bitching without doing anything, but for now I think I'm just going to bitch until I'm all bitched out and then find a corner and cry myself to sleep.

Then, I'd get up in the morning full of furious energy and start doing something.

I learned how not to let anger rule my life two months ago. Misery is a luxury, and at the moment I think I can afford it. I don't want anybody to offer hugs or snuggles over this. I don't want to be touched. If anybody touched me but Darkside or River, I'd probably draw back into myself if they were a close friend, or hit them if they weren't. River's seen my soul. So has Darkside. Them, I can trust to tell me what I need to hear in the way I need to hear it. I can hear Darkside now, sarcastic, telling me that even men can learn to correspond, and he'd do better at it, only we see each other every day/ talk to each other every day, and he always does better at saying things without an audience, and he's not sure how many of me there are these days.

There's always the system password, in any case. I know his and I'm sure he knows mine.

Ennirikit, etiernna mi twer.

Comments

[todfox.livejournal.com]

Anger is difficult and messy and ugly, but sometimes very necessary. I'm not writing this to offer pity or sympathy or anything, just that I feel like I know what it's like to come to a point in your life where you look at everything and want to change it, but don't know if you have the motivation to do so, to really grab hold of things and change them until they look like you want them too.

I don't know, maybe this doesn't make sense and it is too late and I should be in bed; I guess something struck a chord in my in your message.

thanks....

[azurelunatic]

...for the lack of sympathy and the heaping gobs of yummy empathy.

I'm calming down now. If he leaves, he leaves, and I'll make damn sure to have a valid e-mail address to write to him. And I'll try and visit.

Who knows. We'll see how it works.

Re: thanks....

[todfox.livejournal.com]

Some of my friendships have become pretty sporadic, but the ones that count seem to stay together. Even if I don't talk to them but once every few months, I still consider them friends and am always pleased to discover they still think of me as the same.

Re: thanks....

[azurelunatic]

I know that barring Huge Unhappy Events, he and I are going to be friends for ... well, "life" doesn't even cover it. Death's not going to fuck up our friendship...

...I'd just been hoping for more of a chance at romance, seeing as I'm allowed to start going after him on the 16th of October, and he graduates on the 22nd of October.

[ldygwynedd.livejournal.com]

Curious coincidence? Do you believe in them?

My neice owns an Art Studio in Sedona. Is that near you?

--Gwyn

[azurelunatic]

Not too near. No car, so it's rather out of our range. Yeah, the internet's a small world. :)

[godai.livejournal.com]

*Hugs anyway* :)

I'm sure things will work out.

[azurelunatic]

Thanks. They may well be, at this point.

...and "out of state" may not be separate from me, at this point...

[godai.livejournal.com]

Wow ummmm. delayed response. heh

[azurelunatic]

Yeah. Way delayed. Going through old entries, from the day I first started it.