A Gallery of Hostile Signatures

[azurelunatic]

This document was compiled at old-work, for amusement purposes.

Signatures

$NAME

The name in the signature (as opposed to the .sig file) is possibly what this person would like you to call them when you write back.

(message is in all caps, there is no signature)

Either $NAME lost their caps lock key, or really needed to yell at you.

Love, $NAME

$NAME probably does not love you all that much.

Regards, $NAME

Fairly standard.

Best regards, $NAME

It's like "Regards", but better.

Fondest regards, $NAME

Of all possible regards for $NAME to give you right now, this withering stare is the fondest possible.

(omission of signature where previous signature was "Regards, $NAME")

$NAME wishes they did not have to regard you, or perhaps anyone at all, today.

Please advise.

$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.

Thanks, $NAME

$NAME is either thanking you for something you have already done, or is thanking you in advance for the thing they just asked you to do, which may or may not be an imposition.

Thanks.

$NAME isn't feeling very thankful to know you right now.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

You ignore this at your peril.

Thank you for your time

$NAME would like to make sure you to know that they received no assistance, help, consideration, or anything else more concrete that they might otherwise have thanked you for.

Kindly do $THING.

$NAME's kind feelings to you are directly proportional to the speed with which $THING is done.

Kindly do $THING. Thanks.

The layer of kindness between you and your correspondent's seething lava pit of rage has nearly entirely been burned through.

Good day.

The full stop at the end is symbolic of the full stop that your correspondent's patience has come to. No name. You don't deserve the privilege of addressing $NAME until you have resolved whatever issue has caused your correspondent to descend to the permafrost-lined pits of Icy British Outrage.

Sincerely, $NAME

Fairly standard, a bit stuffy.

With utmost sincerity, $FULL_FORMAL_NAME

The veiled threat contained in the body of this message is entirely heartfelt.

J

$NAME uses Outlook and doesn't realize that you don't, and doesn't realize that due to your mail client's vagaries, you likely won't see a smiley-face there.

$#@!%*&

A conversation with HR is imminent.

I hate you,

Just in case the body of the message was not clear on this topic.

British Signatures

Cheers, $NAME

Friendly.

Not friendly.

Cordially, $NAME

What is the sound of something very sharp being applied from behind?

Kind regards, $NAME

Standard.

Regards, $NAME

Unkind regards.

Greetings

Hi, $HALF_YOUR_NAME

I didn't bother to pay attention to your signature.

Dear Frederick Douglass,

I mistook your .sig file for your signature.

Hidden Messages

Acrostic

Fold-in

Jargon

Comments

[vass]

You know that moment in Pawns and Symbols where it transpires that Klingons can't see red, so red-on-black is a poor choice for a WARNING: RESTRICTED AREA, DO NOT ENTER sign?

Sometimes I wish people would write their hostile sign-offs in the original Klingon.

[azurelunatic]

Yup.

I started compiling this after using "With utmost sincerity" in some communications with the helldesk.

[vass]

That one I like. It has an air of originality along with the poison dart frog cordiality. The word "utmost" flags it up as a much higher level alert than "yours sincerely".

[watersword]

Please advise.
$NAME has provided you with the latest information they have. They are pretty sure the information gap is on your end.

See, at my place of work, that means "$NAME is panicking over something that may or may not have gone wrong, probably emailed the wrong person if something has gone wrong, and is incapable of describing the thing precisely enough for the recipient to understand what the potential problem is."

.....okay, it's one person who uses that signoff and they are the WORST, my hackles go up whenever I see that phrase now.

[azurelunatic]

That sounds distinctly terrible. I'm so sorry.

[watersword]

I just got another one from them. "my wifi is out. please advise!"

....I don't have anything to do with the wireless network here. I don't know if they're on campus at all. I suspect but have no evidence that they're talking about the VPN, which is a totally different team's problem. There are so many problems with this ticket, Azz.

[azurelunatic]

Oh, noooooooooooo!

[batrachian]

I recognize far more of these than is probably healthy, though I tended to keep my hostility *slightly* more veiled. Usually.

Thanks for the laugh. :)

[azurelunatic]

The war with the helldesk was long and arduous.

[batrachian]

because helldesk!

[azurelunatic]

So much helldesk.

[silveradept]

I may have used some of these. In those ways, with those meanings. Repeatedly.

[azurelunatic]

J

Y

[delight]

This post is actually, somehow, very useful to me with my flailing over not ever being sure how to sign emails. It makes some things so much clearer.

[azurelunatic]

I'm so glad!

It may not be the standard, but at least it's a standard...

[ankaret]

This = awesome.

I would add under Greetings:

Cheerio
I am mocking you for being British.
I am trying to indicate my admiration of your Britishness.
I think your brains are made of breakfast cereal.

Under Signatures:

Cheerio
Neutral, with overtones of 'I consider this matter closed'.

[redsixwing]

*cackle*

I have used "please advise" in exactly that manner.

[sithjawa]

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter!

[kaberett]

Thank you from posterity :D

[nanila]

Under British, I use

All the best

either when I don't know the recipient at all, or when what I actually mean is "I hope you step on an irregularly shaped Lego on the way to the loo at midnight".

[cesy]

I use regards and kind regards the other way around, as do most of my colleagues in the UK.

[silverflight8]

Got linked by randomly scrolling round journals.

Can I say that I customarily reply with "thanks!" etc but when I AM ANNOYED DEEPLY BY THIS PERSON it's "Regards"?

Also the French generally put their names Firstname LASTNAME. (I do a lot of international email).

Please advise is...yeah not friendly exactly but how much you have messed up depends on the length of the email. Long enclosing text - complicated issue, please just provide info so we can help. Extremely short and to the point - why the hell did you never provide this, this should never have even gotten to this point, do your job.