Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2023-01-07 09:20 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2023-01-07 09:20 pm
Roasting the Fucking Turkey
Select your turkey. Consider how much turkey you need, based on number of omnivores, roaster size, refrigerator size, time remaining until T-Day, thaw time, and, and I cannot stress this enough, local physical strength.
Do not buy a turkey so large that you have to team-lift it. Do not buy a turkey so large that you might be unable to lift it while it's hot with a roasting unit full of scalding juices. Or merely raw and ready to contaminate anything it touches.
1 turkey. Note the weight on the sales label, and write it down prominently. Look at bag for any helpful tips, like plastic shit we need to remove.
Calculate the roasting time by turkey weight. Check the Butterball website if confused. Working backwards from serving time, put the roast time in your calendar for Thanksgiving day.
https://www.butterball.com/calculators-conversions
Calculate the thaw time, in days. Consult the Butterball website if in any doubt. Working backwards from an hour before your roasting start time on Thanksgiving morning (early), set a calendar event to start the thaw.
Clear the lowest shelf of the refrigerator. Thaw in a pan that is hopefully larger than the bird to catch any stray drips. This does not need to be the same pan as you intend for the roasting process. If possible, it should be in the bottom of the fridge so there is no chance it can drip on anything, particularly on your salad or any other thing that might not be cooked to a poultry-safe temperature.
Before the big day, liberate the standalone roaster and its rack. Clear the patch of counter to the left of the sink. It will suck, but that's the best place for this in Yellcat Lair, because it is in the kitchen, has power, and does not displace other activities besides breadmaking.
Place the displaced bread machine Somewhere, and recycle the cache of glass and plastic.
Clean the standalone roaster. You will need to; it's been sitting in the basement most of the year and while we did our best to put it away clean last year, it's probably time for a last-minute detail.
Do you have a dishwasher-safe probe thermometer? If you don't, consult a restaurant store.
Pick up some single-use gloves in your size and the size of any kitchen assistant. If in doubt, a larger glove will physically fit over the hand even if it's weirdly baggy, but a smaller glove may prove impossible to get into or split on you unexpectedly. You will probably want to use more than one pair of gloves. Be mindful of latex allergies: if you, your assistant, or anyone coming to dinner has one, get non-latex gloves.
Double-check the email from Aunt Tish.
Ensure we have enough butter and seasonings on hand. These are:
Butter (salted, softened) -- at least 2 sticks (8oz) per Very Large Bird.
Salt (we use regular kitchen iodized)
(Pepper, if nobody's allergic)
Sage (Rubbed)
(Onion salt or onion powder, if nobody's allergic)
Poultry Seasoning (double check allergies)
NOTE: if any pets will be getting a special treat of Part of the Bird, check your spice list against a reputable No-No list.
Thanksgiving Eve:
Clear a flat place in the kitchen, within an easy lift of the refrigerator.
If all your butter is frozen, start it thawing Now.
Clear the sinks.
Find some knives. Maybe kitchen shears too.
Gather your cleaning materials. This includes some kind of sanitizer, your gloves, and paper towels or multiple clean hand towels and cleaning rags.
Place your trash can. Find some fresh bags.
Place your butter and spices.
Get your measuring implements for the spices if you need them (we measure from the heart) and a microwave-safe bowl if you're going to need to soften the butter in the microwave. Otherwise a bowl big enough to contain all the spices and at least two sticks of butter.
Do you have a pair of pliers that can be sanitized? Find them and get them ready, just in case.
Set your alarm for one hour before Roasting Time. Enlist a Helper. Set their alarm for one hour before Roasting Time too.
Wear your most washable clothing.
Thanksgiving Fucking Morning, Goddammit:
WAKE ME UP INSIDE
CALL MY NAME AND ROUST ME FROM THE DARK
Gather yourself and your helper. Put on your battle garb.
Clear a flat place. (If you were better prepared, you would have done this yesterday evening sometime.) Make sure it's Flat, Dammit.
Someone with the appropriate number of strong arms: wrest the turkey from its cavernous chilly place. Remove all the things you've stacked on top of it first.
Set the turkey in its pan on your flat place.
You may as well start preheating the roaster. 325F will do.
Don your first pair of gloves. Prepare to switch gloves often: before you touch anything intended to be edible, and after they have become gross or you go to touch something that shouldn't get raw poultry juice on it.
Still in your initial drip pan, slit open the plastic wrap around the turkey.
Carefully remove the wrap from the turkey, taking care to not splatter raw turkey juice all over. Use a knife.
Drain turkey juice from wrap before depositing the wrap in your trash can. Note: if you have meat-seeking furballs in the house, you may need to secure this trash can once done.
Your turkey will have two holes: one at the top where the neck used to be, and one in the buttular region between the drumsticks. There may be a plastic truss holding the drumsticks together, and you may need to remove that before being able to reach into the cavity.
In the US, unless your turkey is specifically labeled that it doesn't, it will contain the neck and a packet of "giblets" (edible organs, although some people choose to disqualify some of the contents based on texture, flavor, and/or likelihood of having concentrated all the bad stuff that the turkey has eaten over its lifetime that it was unable to excrete). Rummage around inside until both of those are located. Put them somewhere you won't lose them, like on the tray you're currently working with.
Pat the turkey as dry as you can get it, inside and out. This is a great time to use paper towels and your roasting rack.
If the turkey has any remaining feathers, extract them with the pliers.
This is where you'd remove the wishbone if we're following the Serious Eats carving advice. https://www.seriouseats.com/serious-eats-guide-to-carving-turkey
CLEAN EVERYTHING. Take off the nasty gloves, use new gloves if you like, clean everywhere the turkey juice touched, might have touched, or could possibly have splashed. Don't forget the fridge or the floor.
Soften your butter if it needs it. I like to start with 20-30 seconds in the microwave, followed by 10-second bursts. The butter should have trouble fully holding its shape if poked, but shouldn't have separated into ghee, water, and solids yet.
We do mostly rubbed sage, a substantial whack of onion powder, some salt and maybe pepper depending, and poultry seasoning. Which in addition to being mostly sage is thyme, marjoram, rosemary, nutmeg, and pepper. I can have small amounts of nutmeg; our friend J can't have even "and spices" levels of pepper. Plan accordingly.
Beat the spices into the butter. It should look like a thick and very herbed spice goo; you mostly should not see any standalone yellow.
GLOVES. This next thing gets gross.
Starting from the back side, to minimize the flipping, find the seam between the skin and the muscle of the turkey. Shove your hand in a hole, with a finger or two following the bottom of the skin, and go until you start feeling turkey meat/bone. Do your best to lift up the skin off the meat.
Gloop yourself a small handful of herbed butter. Don't use it all at once -- you will be doing both sides of the bird, under the skin, additionally on top of the skin on the top side.
Spread the herbed butter underneath the skin, onto the surface of the muscle, as best you can.
Repeat this from both ends of the bird, reaching in as far as you can. Your goal is to get a good flavor on the surface of the meat underneath the skin.
Do a cursory rub of the outside of the turkey back. Heat and gravity will drip some of this off, but you'd like to get a good flavor on the skin there as well.
Flip the bird over. Be sure to pay special attention to the turkey breast, buttering and spicing it generously.
Lavish the outside of the skin with the spice and butter mixture, not forgetting the drumsticks.
Lift the rack with seasoned bird into the roaster. If you have a leave-in thermometer, this is the time to think about placing it.
You can put the neck and giblets in the bottom of the roasting pan, unless you know you're not going to use them or would like to do them separately. (N.B. Dear, just toss the liver.)
GLOVES OFF. CLEAN EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDS CLEANING.
At this juncture we go back to bed if necessary. Having first removed our battle gear and tossed it straight into the laundry.
Set the second alarm so we don't miss the rest of everything.
Alton Brown says to not baste the turkey, so why bother.
We do not stuff the turkey either; we make a variety of dressings for the side. The important one is Big Bad Daddy K's Sausage Stuffing, Alex's stove top stuffing, and possibly another for Arin & P and potentially J, depending.
Unless there's a crowd, one can of biscuits at a time. I'm serious!!! Belovedest's family tradition involves hurling the biscuits from the kitchen to a designated catcher at the table, who hands them off as quickly as they arrive until everyone is biscuited. Yellcat Lair is not well-situated in either layout or catching skills for this to work out well, so we skip it for the most part.
One of these days I might do a spreadsheet about oven timing, but it really really helps to have the bird going separately. L~ family tradition is to have a variety of appetizers (cheese, relish tray, crackers) so nobody goes hungry while waiting for the bird.
Start checking the turkey temperature an hour or two before finish, every half hour and then every fifteen minutes as it gets closer. Stab the thermometer in the thickest part of the thigh without touching bone, and breast without touching bone. Thigh should be at least 165F.
Honestly I don't think that foil does that much in the very close confines of the roaster, so I won't bother to add foil to prevent excess browning.
The turkey can rest when it's done; put it somewhere that the drips will have a destination.
After resting, carve! Serious Eats reminds us to heat the platter so the meat won't cool off with disappointing speed.
Zippy-bags are our friends if there are leftovers of odd sizes that don't fit well into our standard leftovers containers. I like to do a few lunch-sized boxes with a mix of turkey, potatoes, gravy, stuffings, and anything else that will reheat together nicely. That takes the effort out of some of the leftover consumption.
Do not buy a turkey so large that you have to team-lift it. Do not buy a turkey so large that you might be unable to lift it while it's hot with a roasting unit full of scalding juices. Or merely raw and ready to contaminate anything it touches.
1 turkey. Note the weight on the sales label, and write it down prominently. Look at bag for any helpful tips, like plastic shit we need to remove.
Calculate the roasting time by turkey weight. Check the Butterball website if confused. Working backwards from serving time, put the roast time in your calendar for Thanksgiving day.
https://www.butterball.com/calculators-conversions
Calculate the thaw time, in days. Consult the Butterball website if in any doubt. Working backwards from an hour before your roasting start time on Thanksgiving morning (early), set a calendar event to start the thaw.
Clear the lowest shelf of the refrigerator. Thaw in a pan that is hopefully larger than the bird to catch any stray drips. This does not need to be the same pan as you intend for the roasting process. If possible, it should be in the bottom of the fridge so there is no chance it can drip on anything, particularly on your salad or any other thing that might not be cooked to a poultry-safe temperature.
Before the big day, liberate the standalone roaster and its rack. Clear the patch of counter to the left of the sink. It will suck, but that's the best place for this in Yellcat Lair, because it is in the kitchen, has power, and does not displace other activities besides breadmaking.
Place the displaced bread machine Somewhere, and recycle the cache of glass and plastic.
Clean the standalone roaster. You will need to; it's been sitting in the basement most of the year and while we did our best to put it away clean last year, it's probably time for a last-minute detail.
Do you have a dishwasher-safe probe thermometer? If you don't, consult a restaurant store.
Pick up some single-use gloves in your size and the size of any kitchen assistant. If in doubt, a larger glove will physically fit over the hand even if it's weirdly baggy, but a smaller glove may prove impossible to get into or split on you unexpectedly. You will probably want to use more than one pair of gloves. Be mindful of latex allergies: if you, your assistant, or anyone coming to dinner has one, get non-latex gloves.
Double-check the email from Aunt Tish.
Ensure we have enough butter and seasonings on hand. These are:
Butter (salted, softened) -- at least 2 sticks (8oz) per Very Large Bird.
Salt (we use regular kitchen iodized)
(Pepper, if nobody's allergic)
Sage (Rubbed)
(Onion salt or onion powder, if nobody's allergic)
Poultry Seasoning (double check allergies)
NOTE: if any pets will be getting a special treat of Part of the Bird, check your spice list against a reputable No-No list.
Thanksgiving Eve:
Clear a flat place in the kitchen, within an easy lift of the refrigerator.
If all your butter is frozen, start it thawing Now.
Clear the sinks.
Find some knives. Maybe kitchen shears too.
Gather your cleaning materials. This includes some kind of sanitizer, your gloves, and paper towels or multiple clean hand towels and cleaning rags.
Place your trash can. Find some fresh bags.
Place your butter and spices.
Get your measuring implements for the spices if you need them (we measure from the heart) and a microwave-safe bowl if you're going to need to soften the butter in the microwave. Otherwise a bowl big enough to contain all the spices and at least two sticks of butter.
Do you have a pair of pliers that can be sanitized? Find them and get them ready, just in case.
Set your alarm for one hour before Roasting Time. Enlist a Helper. Set their alarm for one hour before Roasting Time too.
Wear your most washable clothing.
Thanksgiving Fucking Morning, Goddammit:
WAKE ME UP INSIDE
CALL MY NAME AND ROUST ME FROM THE DARK
Gather yourself and your helper. Put on your battle garb.
Clear a flat place. (If you were better prepared, you would have done this yesterday evening sometime.) Make sure it's Flat, Dammit.
Someone with the appropriate number of strong arms: wrest the turkey from its cavernous chilly place. Remove all the things you've stacked on top of it first.
Set the turkey in its pan on your flat place.
You may as well start preheating the roaster. 325F will do.
Don your first pair of gloves. Prepare to switch gloves often: before you touch anything intended to be edible, and after they have become gross or you go to touch something that shouldn't get raw poultry juice on it.
Still in your initial drip pan, slit open the plastic wrap around the turkey.
Carefully remove the wrap from the turkey, taking care to not splatter raw turkey juice all over. Use a knife.
Drain turkey juice from wrap before depositing the wrap in your trash can. Note: if you have meat-seeking furballs in the house, you may need to secure this trash can once done.
Your turkey will have two holes: one at the top where the neck used to be, and one in the buttular region between the drumsticks. There may be a plastic truss holding the drumsticks together, and you may need to remove that before being able to reach into the cavity.
In the US, unless your turkey is specifically labeled that it doesn't, it will contain the neck and a packet of "giblets" (edible organs, although some people choose to disqualify some of the contents based on texture, flavor, and/or likelihood of having concentrated all the bad stuff that the turkey has eaten over its lifetime that it was unable to excrete). Rummage around inside until both of those are located. Put them somewhere you won't lose them, like on the tray you're currently working with.
Pat the turkey as dry as you can get it, inside and out. This is a great time to use paper towels and your roasting rack.
If the turkey has any remaining feathers, extract them with the pliers.
This is where you'd remove the wishbone if we're following the Serious Eats carving advice. https://www.seriouseats.com/serious-eats-guide-to-carving-turkey
CLEAN EVERYTHING. Take off the nasty gloves, use new gloves if you like, clean everywhere the turkey juice touched, might have touched, or could possibly have splashed. Don't forget the fridge or the floor.
Soften your butter if it needs it. I like to start with 20-30 seconds in the microwave, followed by 10-second bursts. The butter should have trouble fully holding its shape if poked, but shouldn't have separated into ghee, water, and solids yet.
We do mostly rubbed sage, a substantial whack of onion powder, some salt and maybe pepper depending, and poultry seasoning. Which in addition to being mostly sage is thyme, marjoram, rosemary, nutmeg, and pepper. I can have small amounts of nutmeg; our friend J can't have even "and spices" levels of pepper. Plan accordingly.
Beat the spices into the butter. It should look like a thick and very herbed spice goo; you mostly should not see any standalone yellow.
GLOVES. This next thing gets gross.
Starting from the back side, to minimize the flipping, find the seam between the skin and the muscle of the turkey. Shove your hand in a hole, with a finger or two following the bottom of the skin, and go until you start feeling turkey meat/bone. Do your best to lift up the skin off the meat.
Gloop yourself a small handful of herbed butter. Don't use it all at once -- you will be doing both sides of the bird, under the skin, additionally on top of the skin on the top side.
Spread the herbed butter underneath the skin, onto the surface of the muscle, as best you can.
Repeat this from both ends of the bird, reaching in as far as you can. Your goal is to get a good flavor on the surface of the meat underneath the skin.
Do a cursory rub of the outside of the turkey back. Heat and gravity will drip some of this off, but you'd like to get a good flavor on the skin there as well.
Flip the bird over. Be sure to pay special attention to the turkey breast, buttering and spicing it generously.
Lavish the outside of the skin with the spice and butter mixture, not forgetting the drumsticks.
Lift the rack with seasoned bird into the roaster. If you have a leave-in thermometer, this is the time to think about placing it.
You can put the neck and giblets in the bottom of the roasting pan, unless you know you're not going to use them or would like to do them separately. (N.B. Dear, just toss the liver.)
GLOVES OFF. CLEAN EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDS CLEANING.
At this juncture we go back to bed if necessary. Having first removed our battle gear and tossed it straight into the laundry.
Set the second alarm so we don't miss the rest of everything.
Alton Brown says to not baste the turkey, so why bother.
We do not stuff the turkey either; we make a variety of dressings for the side. The important one is Big Bad Daddy K's Sausage Stuffing, Alex's stove top stuffing, and possibly another for Arin & P and potentially J, depending.
Unless there's a crowd, one can of biscuits at a time. I'm serious!!! Belovedest's family tradition involves hurling the biscuits from the kitchen to a designated catcher at the table, who hands them off as quickly as they arrive until everyone is biscuited. Yellcat Lair is not well-situated in either layout or catching skills for this to work out well, so we skip it for the most part.
One of these days I might do a spreadsheet about oven timing, but it really really helps to have the bird going separately. L~ family tradition is to have a variety of appetizers (cheese, relish tray, crackers) so nobody goes hungry while waiting for the bird.
Start checking the turkey temperature an hour or two before finish, every half hour and then every fifteen minutes as it gets closer. Stab the thermometer in the thickest part of the thigh without touching bone, and breast without touching bone. Thigh should be at least 165F.
Honestly I don't think that foil does that much in the very close confines of the roaster, so I won't bother to add foil to prevent excess browning.
The turkey can rest when it's done; put it somewhere that the drips will have a destination.
After resting, carve! Serious Eats reminds us to heat the platter so the meat won't cool off with disappointing speed.
Zippy-bags are our friends if there are leftovers of odd sizes that don't fit well into our standard leftovers containers. I like to do a few lunch-sized boxes with a mix of turkey, potatoes, gravy, stuffings, and anything else that will reheat together nicely. That takes the effort out of some of the leftover consumption.