Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2024-11-14 03:57 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2024-11-14 03:57 pm
Entry tags:
...with a broken tooth and suicidal depression -- also, Things That Should Not Go Up The Butt
Note: I am fine, except how we're all generally not fine. My antidepressants are basically holding steady, but the anxiety meds do need a tweak. Or two.
Last week, to my therapist, apparently: "...and I'll be following up with my psych about getting breakthrough meds for anxiety."
The next day, somewhere in the middle of the latest medication gothic: my therapist gets a message saying "Hey did you know your client is asking for meds? Maybe you need another appointment?"
My therapist, to herself: "My client? Is asking? For meds? We discussed it at our last appointment? WELL, GIVE THEM MEDS, THEN!"
Me to my therapist, today: "anyway they finally coughed up some of the stuff, you know, the antihistamine", and "and I was thinking, I HAVE MAXED OUT MY COPING SKILLS I COULD PROBABLY TEACH A CLASS ON COPING SKILLS, I HAVE DEALT WITH THE PAIN FROM A BROKEN TOOTH USING MEDITATION, I WENT DECADES WITH SUICIDAL DEPRESSION ONLY USING COPING SKILLS AND A LIBRARY, I WOULD NOT BE ASKING FOR MEDICATION IF I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT MYSELF."
(note: as soon as I safely could admit to a medical professional that I needed antidepressants, I did, I got them, and they would have to pry them out of my live and very angry hands if they haven't stopped working on me -- at which point I would be looking for another type that worked. my example is here for reasons of I kinda had to, and may the generations of the future never know what we had to go through.)
...
Psych appointment is next week.
Noodle is in the truck.
The death of someone in my greater circles, who I'd probably never talked to directly but I always admired her presence, is still haunting me all these years later. Her name is on Trump's body count list. I told my therapist that even if I did have the opportunity, which I won't, I couldn't possibly strangle That Man with these lily-white hands. (what a fucking phrase for a cliche, eh???) I just hope that when he goes, he is alone and scared, and that he feels the weight of every one of those deaths. And cracked a joke. She reminded me about legos. I cracked another one.
She hadn't known about the ABCDEF, and we giggled a bit about how Stephen King cracking a tasteless joke about Elon Musk's relationships resulting in him getting kicked off the service formerly known as Twitter? that was actually pretty high up there on the Grimness scale.
I'm trying to talk about the normal things in my life. History will record many of the abnormal things. But we're still sharing cat memes in group chat. We're still reading books. We're still cussing out the dishes. We're still looking at the dishbox with dismay, dispirited woe, and sometimes despair. I'm still getting cricks in my neck from excessive muscle tension.
Even if all I can get out of the day is lying in bed with a book, or maybe some not intellectually challenging video and a pair of prism glasses: I'm still here, and I'll do the best I can.
Bonus: I told my therapist about the study I'm in, and how I am using that depression-engraved ability to find problems in a constructive way, and how it is going to result in gift cards, and how I have a Target glass tree habit. And I held up the three trees on my desk in slow, dramatic succession.
"Have you seen that tiktok video, it's this doctor," my therapist wheezed, "where he goes around Target, holding things up to the camera, and saying--"
"NO!" I completed, giggling. "I actually haven't seen THAT one, but I have seen a lot of similar content over the years. Had you seen the one that's the dog toy or ... NOT a dog toy?"
Last week, to my therapist, apparently: "...and I'll be following up with my psych about getting breakthrough meds for anxiety."
The next day, somewhere in the middle of the latest medication gothic: my therapist gets a message saying "Hey did you know your client is asking for meds? Maybe you need another appointment?"
My therapist, to herself: "My client? Is asking? For meds? We discussed it at our last appointment? WELL, GIVE THEM MEDS, THEN!"
Me to my therapist, today: "anyway they finally coughed up some of the stuff, you know, the antihistamine", and "and I was thinking, I HAVE MAXED OUT MY COPING SKILLS I COULD PROBABLY TEACH A CLASS ON COPING SKILLS, I HAVE DEALT WITH THE PAIN FROM A BROKEN TOOTH USING MEDITATION, I WENT DECADES WITH SUICIDAL DEPRESSION ONLY USING COPING SKILLS AND A LIBRARY, I WOULD NOT BE ASKING FOR MEDICATION IF I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT MYSELF."
(note: as soon as I safely could admit to a medical professional that I needed antidepressants, I did, I got them, and they would have to pry them out of my live and very angry hands if they haven't stopped working on me -- at which point I would be looking for another type that worked. my example is here for reasons of I kinda had to, and may the generations of the future never know what we had to go through.)
...
Psych appointment is next week.
Noodle is in the truck.
The death of someone in my greater circles, who I'd probably never talked to directly but I always admired her presence, is still haunting me all these years later. Her name is on Trump's body count list. I told my therapist that even if I did have the opportunity, which I won't, I couldn't possibly strangle That Man with these lily-white hands. (what a fucking phrase for a cliche, eh???) I just hope that when he goes, he is alone and scared, and that he feels the weight of every one of those deaths. And cracked a joke. She reminded me about legos. I cracked another one.
She hadn't known about the ABCDEF, and we giggled a bit about how Stephen King cracking a tasteless joke about Elon Musk's relationships resulting in him getting kicked off the service formerly known as Twitter? that was actually pretty high up there on the Grimness scale.
I'm trying to talk about the normal things in my life. History will record many of the abnormal things. But we're still sharing cat memes in group chat. We're still reading books. We're still cussing out the dishes. We're still looking at the dishbox with dismay, dispirited woe, and sometimes despair. I'm still getting cricks in my neck from excessive muscle tension.
Even if all I can get out of the day is lying in bed with a book, or maybe some not intellectually challenging video and a pair of prism glasses: I'm still here, and I'll do the best I can.
Bonus: I told my therapist about the study I'm in, and how I am using that depression-engraved ability to find problems in a constructive way, and how it is going to result in gift cards, and how I have a Target glass tree habit. And I held up the three trees on my desk in slow, dramatic succession.
"Have you seen that tiktok video, it's this doctor," my therapist wheezed, "where he goes around Target, holding things up to the camera, and saying--"
"NO!" I completed, giggling. "I actually haven't seen THAT one, but I have seen a lot of similar content over the years. Had you seen the one that's the dog toy or ... NOT a dog toy?"
no subject
no subject
no subject
I think I know who you're talking about. This would be someone who died shortly after the election in 2016? I didn't know her personally either, but I've been thinking about her since this year's US election.
Noodle is in the truck.
*nod*
I'm trying to talk about the normal things in my life. History will record many of the abnormal things. But we're still sharing cat memes in group chat. We're still reading books. We're still cussing out the dishes. We're still looking at the dishbox with dismay, dispirited woe, and sometimes despair. I'm still getting cricks in my neck from excessive muscle tension.
*solidarity fistbump* A Tumblr post I keep thinking about:
ginnydear: "sometimes i get a little stressed out because i’m living in a part of history that’ll one day be talked about and discussed and papers written and what am i doing? what have i done? laundry, barely"
flouryhedgehog: "Sometimes I used to wonder what regular folks were doing during eventful periods in history. Now I’m living in one and yeah, it turns out the answer is laundry, barely."
And on that note, I'd better go get the laundry in from the line, since it is now 11:28pm and I've been playing Slay The Spire mindlessly and miserably for the past mumble hours.
Thank you thank you
Because I needed that Tumblr quote today!
no subject
Noodle is still in the truck.
no subject