Sniffle, sniffle.

[azurelunatic]

I hate it when people get this worked up over what's essentially very little. So I'm human. Big deal. So he called me on it. Big deal. So I bawled my eyes out. OK, that one's probably more of a big deal. So I was examining my wrists on the way home to see where, exactly, it is that I'd need to cut. Mercedes Lackey taught me everything I need to know.

Don't think I would, now. I always tend to start bawling my eyes out if I contemplate suicide hard enough to actually consider it, really truly. I feel very naked and unsafe without a watching personality in the back of my head to pull me back, incapacitate me until feeling better.

Why consider death?

This is a habit of mine. Fall madly in love with someone who doesn't appreciate it, push too far, lose friendship. Rinse, wring, repeat.

I've just about had enough.

Comments

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

Death would keep you from repeating the pattern, it's true.

It seems a bit drastic, though. It's more work to retrain your old habits and fears, but it also creates more.

I'm willing to bet he'll still talk to you tomorrow morning. I'm also willing to bet this will happen again until you both establish all your boundaries.

[azurelunatic]

...Death would only have me reincarnate into a situation where whatever lesson I need to learn out of this will be slammed home with increased force.

I know he'll talk to me, come tommorow. I'm just not sure if I'll feel like being talked to.

[azurelunatic]

...and I almost forgot Piers Anthony.

[justjohn.livejournal.com]

I know I've tried to.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Patience. Patience. Patience.

You may be repeating and rinsing, but there will be no wringing. You are not going to lose this friendship. You have not pushed too far. I tell you something now: if you told me that you *never* made him angry, that there were *never* disagreements or arguments between you and Darkside, I would tell you that there is something wrong with the relationship and that it is not good for you.

EVERYONE argues. I argue with my soulmate, the person with whom I have passed more turns around this wheel than I can count. It is indicative of a good relationship that you have differing opinions, and that you push each other's buttons from time to time. You are two different personalities, and those are *going* to clash from time to time.

It is what you do with a disagreement that counts, dear. NOW is the testing, not what you did this morning. NOW. Be calm, be patient, and know that later today or tomorrow you will talk and settle the problem, resolve issues between yourselves.

[azurelunatic]

With him, I rarely if ever have the terror that now I've lost the friendship, that it's gone forever, and I've done the unspeakable, unforgivable.

He and I have a dialog we use a lot:

"Sorry."
"For what?"
"Being human."

It's the condensation of many moments like that.

It's just that he rarely, if ever, raises his voice. I've only ever heard him speak like that once before, and that was to his father, when his father had really really pushed his buttons.

He gets along with his parents, though; loves them.

He just doesn't yell. The surprise, more than anything.

[azurelunatic]

With Shawn, more than anything, I was terrified that whenever I made a mistake, now I'd lost the friendship. Shawn threatened me with things like that. I lived in fear, in that relationship, that if I said or did the wrong thing out of ignorance and dumb luck, that we'd never be friends again, that he'd never speak to me again, never let me talk to him again.

Cruel, that, but it was what I was used to by the time he started doing it.

The more time I spend with real friends, the more I realize how much my friend Shawn wasn't.

[azurelunatic]

Of course we have disagreements. I refuse to become a subset of him. He's not Miles, and I'm not a minion. Nor is he a subset of me. It's only because we're equals that I'm willing to play the games we play.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Right now I only have a hug for you. I just wish I could deliver it in person. *hugs*

[azurelunatic]

Thanks.

Hugs seem to be much-needed.

[tyrantmouth.livejournal.com]

Rinse, wring, repeat indeed. I hear you on that...seems you and I have the same pattern to overcome.

*hug*

[azurelunatic]

Fortunately for me, I've progressed from "stalker" in freshman year of high school, to "insanely obsessed" for the rest of high school, to a mere "head over heels in love" now. Likewise, the relations between me and the guys have improved: from "Get away from me you weirdo" to "You know I'll never love you, but I'll fuck you, as long as you don't try to hold my hand", and now to "Just what I needed, a best friend with a mental breakdown...you OK?"

It gets better, really, it does...

watcher in head

[boojum.livejournal.com]

You don't need an alternate personality to do this. I've done it without one, although to prevent other things. Um...it's sort of an extension of impulse control, if you've got that. You train yourself to think clearly to yourself "I want to do <bad thing>" instead of doing it or thinking about it more normally. Then you can respond to that by paralyzing most muscles or very pointedly doing something safe and busyworkish that occupies attention and hands. Crocheting would work if you drag it around with you.

Re: watcher in head

[azurelunatic]

I do this to some extent already; it's how I'm able to retain enough to write frantic e-mails and be there enough to answer phone. It's just that, as with normal impulse control, it gets weaker after a while instead of stronger.