Sexy, beautiful, whatever.

[azurelunatic]

Of all the things Darkside does right, there is one thing that he does very, very wrong.

When he mentions my weight, even when casually referring to it, he makes me feel anti-beautiful. He has made it, in the way of things that aren't said, exceptionally clear that it bothers him, and knowing that it bothers him, I feel unbeautiful whenever he mentions it.

He's never been given instruction in the art of constructive criticism; I can see that this will be a task for one of our talks together. First you point out good things. Then you indicate the things that need improvement and suggest some ways that improvement could be accomplished. Then point out some more good things.

If you don't suggest ways that the things that aren't quite right could be improved, the person who you're criticising may end up making whatever it is worse. If you don't point out the things that are good or done well, the person who you're criticising may change them, too, to something less good.

Every time Darkside makes me feel anti-beautiful, I reflect that there are people who do know how to make me feel beautiful, while encouraging me to make myself more beautiful by increasing my physical strength and health. At least one of them is generally disliked by Darkside for the amount of drama that is usually in the air around them, drama that has a negative impact on me. To tell Darkside that where he fails, another of my friends does beautifully and perfectly, and furthermore, it's a friend of mine he has a grudge against... I'm not sure how well that would go over. Best to use ralmathon as an example: while Neighbor isn't attracted to me, he does let me know that my hair's beautiful...

I wish Darkside thought that I was sexy, but evidently that's not a practical wish.

Comments

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

I don't think most men get the idea that for complementing or encouraging women to make themselves better they need to be positive instead of negative. It took twelve years to teach my spouse that you say, "You are looking better with all the exercise you have been doing," than say, "You need to exercise more."

Positive reinforcement is not in most men's lexington of verbal communication. Look at how they are raised. Males are given negative reinforcement: “Don’t be a sissy,” “Don’t cry or you’ll get beat up,” Where as girls are usually given positive reinforcement to do things…Men just don’t understand it…some do, but most don’t.

You must educate him for the sake of yourself and all future women.

[azurelunatic]

Darkside's getting better, and gentler, as a result of his interaction with me. Now that he knows it's a sensitive subject, he's very careful.

He does care about me, and it shows a lot.