Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-09-23 09:56 pm
azurelunatic) wrote2002-09-23 09:56 pm
Categorical difference
Between love and in love, there are some categorical differences.
One of mine is obedience.
I'm a submissive, but I only submit to those I can trust to a degree that's terrifying. I love Nephew and Marx and Neighbor and Votania and so forth; of them, I will obey Votania as I would obey a military superior, because in the situations where she must command me, it could be the difference between life and death, and I have a practical wish to remain alive until I've accomplished a few more things on this plane. She's the one with combat experience of any description whatsoever; I've not even gotten out of boot camp yet.
I will obey directives given to me by those of superior rank at work, or those in a position of legal or educational authority over me. I will go along with good ideas that I agree with that aren't necessarily phrased as requests. Just because someone whose authority over me I question orders me to do something does not mean I'll necessarily resist it.
However, with all these small forms of obedience, I still don't give myself over lightly. I gave myself once before, to Shawn. We all know how this worked out...
I needed Shawn, when he and I were together. I did not initially. It became so that I could not make it through a week, or a day, without contact with Shawn. Shawn did not honor my trust in him well. I came to associate need of another with abuse by that other.
It's not a coincidence that Darkside shoves me away when I try to lean on him, when I'm not in immediate, pressing emotional pain. He's not allowing me to come to depend on him too much. He's making me stand up for myself, take care of myself, be strong.
I will obey Darkside. If he orders me, I will obey.
This is why, when Darkside orders me, I resist him. I resist him because I must, because to do otherwise would be dishonour for us both. Darkside does not yet realize the great seriousness, the high significance, my undermind places upon casual obedience. I would casually, thoughtfully, immediately obey him if he accepted me, and my obedience, and all the symbolism thereof, knowing what he accepted.
Until he knows and accepts this, Darkside is the one person whose orders I must resist, if I and he are to remain whole.
One of mine is obedience.
I'm a submissive, but I only submit to those I can trust to a degree that's terrifying. I love Nephew and Marx and Neighbor and Votania and so forth; of them, I will obey Votania as I would obey a military superior, because in the situations where she must command me, it could be the difference between life and death, and I have a practical wish to remain alive until I've accomplished a few more things on this plane. She's the one with combat experience of any description whatsoever; I've not even gotten out of boot camp yet.
I will obey directives given to me by those of superior rank at work, or those in a position of legal or educational authority over me. I will go along with good ideas that I agree with that aren't necessarily phrased as requests. Just because someone whose authority over me I question orders me to do something does not mean I'll necessarily resist it.
However, with all these small forms of obedience, I still don't give myself over lightly. I gave myself once before, to Shawn. We all know how this worked out...
I needed Shawn, when he and I were together. I did not initially. It became so that I could not make it through a week, or a day, without contact with Shawn. Shawn did not honor my trust in him well. I came to associate need of another with abuse by that other.
It's not a coincidence that Darkside shoves me away when I try to lean on him, when I'm not in immediate, pressing emotional pain. He's not allowing me to come to depend on him too much. He's making me stand up for myself, take care of myself, be strong.
I will obey Darkside. If he orders me, I will obey.
This is why, when Darkside orders me, I resist him. I resist him because I must, because to do otherwise would be dishonour for us both. Darkside does not yet realize the great seriousness, the high significance, my undermind places upon casual obedience. I would casually, thoughtfully, immediately obey him if he accepted me, and my obedience, and all the symbolism thereof, knowing what he accepted.
Until he knows and accepts this, Darkside is the one person whose orders I must resist, if I and he are to remain whole.
Unpack?
In that scenario, to me, he is just ordering/compelling/forcing you to take care of yourself. Which is not the same thing as taking care of yourself FOR yourself
Re: Unpack?
I approve of this change that we're crafting in me, so I encourage it and allow him to continue to help me.
So much of the communications between him and me are spelled out in subtext that it's very necessary to unpack. I'm in the middle of it, so I understand us very well. It plays out in the subtle grins at the corners of his eyes when I tell him about my day and mention where I stood up for myself; the little tightening of his lips if I should have happened to have knuckled under when I should have held strong.
We're retraining me, and I delight in the process.
Often, when I say, "he's making me", I mean that he is manipulating me, with my knowledge and consent, into a form that both of us desire. "Making" is viewed, in this sense, as an act of creation.
Were I to say, "he's forcing me", I would mean that he were manipulating me, with my resistance, and knowledge of what he was trying to do, into doing something that I do not want to do, whether it is good for me or not, and whether I consider it good for me or not.