Analyses, disturbing.

[azurelunatic]

Ran the concept of perhaps Darkside foregoing even the passive pursuit of a relationship not because of leftover formerly requited affection for votania, but because of regard for my friendship, past Votania. She did the double-take that means that I'm onto something there. It checks out with what she knows of him.

Darkside's got my number.

It is very fitting with him, psychologically, to be not interested in getting into a relationship because he knows that if he were to start dating, it would alienate a friend. If I were to say that he was wrong, I'd be lying, and he knows it. Him skipping over me to date, to date someone he knows half as well and is not so close friends with, would be unthinkable, from either perspective. I don't think he would be able to date someone he isn't close to, and I do not know of any women who he is close to, currently. ...But then, Darkside has a very compartmentalized life, and though I'm close, I don't hear much about his class group, or about work, or about home...

The thought of him shutting me out makes me want to cry. He closes so many parts of himself off from so many people. Because he operates this way, I'm afraid that if he gets a girlfriend, he will not leave the part of his life that she's in open to me, and that more and more of his life will go into the parts that are closed off; that he will gently and firmly take himself out of the parts of his life that are accessible to me, leaving me holding only the ghost of what used to be his wrist.

I evidently still have abandonment issues.

Comments

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

But isn't that a natural process? When a friend falls in love and devotes themselves to swimming in the bright new ocean, they leave us for a while. But it's not about us, it's about learning more about who they are.

I've been on both sides of that -- my best friend in high school fell in love with a beautiful girl, and stopped spilling all his undirected angst on me. But that was how it happens, the natural flow of things.

I fell in love and spent several months letting it seep into me, which left little room for others, but I regained balance.

I don't tend to fall for very close friends. I need a bit of distance for the glamour of romantic attraction.

Perhaps it is also worth considering why his theoretical abandonment disturbs you so much in advance of any such activity.

[azurelunatic]

From the friendship-patterns of Darkside that I've noticed, when he moves on from a friendship, he doesn't tend to look back.

I react to any forseeable crisis before the crisis, so when the event does occur, I take it in stride. I react to unforseen crises more strongly afterwards.

Any drama that I play out in my head is 99% of the time worse than any actual activity. I have good modeling software that prepares me for things when I have an idea they're coming up beforehand.

[azurelunatic]

Also, I was writing that very late at night, which makes any balance of mine suspect. Any late-night tears should dry up by morning; if they haven't, then there's a problem.