Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2002-10-05 08:01 am
azurelunatic) wrote2002-10-05 08:01 am
I'm lonely, rescue me
It's the envy again. I had it badly when Darkside and Votania were starting their relationship. Now it's hitting me again.
It's not that I'm in love with either Votania or Marxdarx this time, it's that they have each other, and I have no one. Marxdarx has been my source of (physically and psychologically required) hugs in the recent past. Now, for various reasons, it's indelicate in the extreme to request lengthy snuggling-sessions on the couch, even platonic ones. But hugs are what I need.
It's all right at school. There, Dawn and Neighbor give me hugs, Skippy gives me pats on the shoulder, Darkside allows me to hug him, and will reach to me if I don't seem all right. (Speaking of which: I must tell Darkside that if I flinch from his touch, he is to gently make contact and hold it, if he still wishes to touch me.) There's a general lack of snuggling couples at school, too, which gives me hugs and a situation where my lonliness is neither so apparent nor so acute. I'm not reminded of what I don't have, and in any case, the physical presence of Darkside, and our interactions together, prove that what he and I have is better than what some kissing couples do.
At home, however, on the weekends... it's a happiness that makes me simultaneously happy for them, that they have such a thing, happy that they are happy with each other despite all the things that might, perhaps, have been different in an ideal world... happy for myself, that I have two such excellent friends... and unbearably lonely. Lonely, and with no one to rightfully hug as long as I need hugs for to put a dent in the loneliness.
I was barely holding myself together yesterday evening by clinging to the link with Darkside. If the lack of hugs gets too bad, I can always tell him so, and sit with my hand wrapped around his forearm at breakfast, that being a relatively non-intrustive way of physical contact acceptable to us both. But this was a Friday night. I won't see him until Monday. That's a lot of lonely weekend. I was curled up and holding to Darkside's mind-trace with all grasping limbs when Neighbor stopped in to play Kingdom Hearts. I snuggled with him on the couch, then gave him a backrub. He reciprocated, and then held me for a long, long time until I was no longer alone.
A crowd is the worst place to be lonely, and it's been pretty crowded here of late. Not that I'm complaining about the company; it's just lonely. I suspect Votania's dream of a nice cave would be far less lonely for me. I can always talk to myself, if left alone long enough.
It's not that I'm in love with either Votania or Marxdarx this time, it's that they have each other, and I have no one. Marxdarx has been my source of (physically and psychologically required) hugs in the recent past. Now, for various reasons, it's indelicate in the extreme to request lengthy snuggling-sessions on the couch, even platonic ones. But hugs are what I need.
It's all right at school. There, Dawn and Neighbor give me hugs, Skippy gives me pats on the shoulder, Darkside allows me to hug him, and will reach to me if I don't seem all right. (Speaking of which: I must tell Darkside that if I flinch from his touch, he is to gently make contact and hold it, if he still wishes to touch me.) There's a general lack of snuggling couples at school, too, which gives me hugs and a situation where my lonliness is neither so apparent nor so acute. I'm not reminded of what I don't have, and in any case, the physical presence of Darkside, and our interactions together, prove that what he and I have is better than what some kissing couples do.
At home, however, on the weekends... it's a happiness that makes me simultaneously happy for them, that they have such a thing, happy that they are happy with each other despite all the things that might, perhaps, have been different in an ideal world... happy for myself, that I have two such excellent friends... and unbearably lonely. Lonely, and with no one to rightfully hug as long as I need hugs for to put a dent in the loneliness.
I was barely holding myself together yesterday evening by clinging to the link with Darkside. If the lack of hugs gets too bad, I can always tell him so, and sit with my hand wrapped around his forearm at breakfast, that being a relatively non-intrustive way of physical contact acceptable to us both. But this was a Friday night. I won't see him until Monday. That's a lot of lonely weekend. I was curled up and holding to Darkside's mind-trace with all grasping limbs when Neighbor stopped in to play Kingdom Hearts. I snuggled with him on the couch, then gave him a backrub. He reciprocated, and then held me for a long, long time until I was no longer alone.
A crowd is the worst place to be lonely, and it's been pretty crowded here of late. Not that I'm complaining about the company; it's just lonely. I suspect Votania's dream of a nice cave would be far less lonely for me. I can always talk to myself, if left alone long enough.
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I'm a cuddle slut. I will cuddle with *any* friend of mine that seems even the slightest bit willing. After Dave dumped me, it was a necessity for a while, resulting in interesting changes the dynamics of some of my friendships.
It sucks that you don't have more friends who are single and willing to cuddle just for its own sake. I'd help if I lived closer by and you so desired. I'm all about hugs.
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Hugs are vital for the soul... ok, the hours long cuddle type might be awkward to get with someone elses partner, but you have to ask for hugs and make sure you get them from the people that matter most to you.
*big warm snuggly comforting hobbit hugs*
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Thanks for the hugs.
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