Practical principles of polyamory, with the Gentle Caller.

[azurelunatic]

To whom it may concern:

Yes, my Gentle Caller is in a polyamorous/open relationship with me, started 5 September 2016. I am theirs and they are mine, as long as we both wish it. We are expected to see to our own safety first, before taking care of each other.

I am an autonomous adult who can make my own decisions about what to do with my body, time, and attention, including shared orgasms and other sexual contact and kissing. My Gentle Caller is likewise an autonomous adult. Sexual and romantic exclusivity has never been a part of this relationship.

I expect that any partner of my Gentle Caller's will treat them with an appropriate amount of respect, courtesy, and kindness. My Gentle Caller expects this of any partner of mine. We expect the use of barrier methods, with other partners and with each other. We expect that other partners will respect our existing relationship, especially because starting something with someone who expects sexual and romantic exclusivity tends to have the effect of a breakup with other existing partners...

As part of our relationship, I expect to be informed of new sexual partners in a timely fashion, ideally before hookup. (Texting before jumping into bed is entirely fine for this.) I expect to be informed when a friendship is heading in a romantic or kissy direction, to avoid surprises. I expect to provide reciprocal information to my Gentle Caller. We have agreed to give each other a heads-up if anything weird is likely to make an appearance in the daily life of the other as a result of something we have done. Like, if I summoned something with tentacles as the result of some sex magic, and it starts going after everyone I've been intimate with, this is relevant information that my Gentle Caller should know.

There is no need for me to have direct communication with another partner of my Gentle Caller's, unless everyone involved would like an introduction to be made, or there is a health-and-safety reason for it. (Health-and-safety beats all else.) While my Gentle Caller has permission to initiate phone calls at their discretion, waking me up with the phone for the purpose of confirming something that should have been able to be communicated in some asynchronous text format is a general bad plan.

We are all separate people, and we will form separate relationships between us, even if we tend to all be proximate in the same general spacetime. As my Gentle Caller and I have privacy between ourselves, I expect that my Gentle Caller and any other partner will have their own private communications and information, and a relationship that has nothing to do with me.

My Gentle Caller's time is their own, to allocate as they see fit. They do not owe me any explanation of how they spend it, other than reasonable notice of scheduling issues, and letting me know if they need to cancel any of our previously made plans. I do want a nice chunk of time with a reasonable amount of attention, but details are (as always) negotiable.

Please, dear potential metamour, treat my Gentle Caller well. I generally like their choice in friends, so I have confidence that you, too, are a really nifty person!

Comments

[elanya]

Lovely <3

[azurelunatic]

We are trying to figure out how this all works. One of the challenges is that often enough people will want to chat with the significant other to make sure that there actually is permission. But we are often significantly asynchronous, and my ability to cope with unexpected phone calls involving strangers is very limited. Thus the two factor authentication. Anyone can verify that this public post exists. The very locked post linked from it is only viewable when logged in as my Gentle Caller or me, and contains sufficient detail to identify them. Hopefully the combination would be enough to assure a new metamour that everything is legit.

[vass]

That's some really clever design.

[azurelunatic]

Thank you. It's the result of a lot of thoughtful communication.

It also feels really, really weird to be making any public statements for both them and me as "we". For the most part, I very much prefer to present it as parallel assertions about each of us. We've communicated a whole lot, but it feels weird to be a public face when they're a very private person, and presenting them and me as a united front in my spaces when they don't have an equivalent platform and we're barely a "we" makes me feel like it could easily erase their agency in the eyes of observers. So even when I know their opinions and we are in perfect accordance, I prefer the parallel statements.

[kaberett]

<3

[siderea]

This is all very clever. But is there some reason to not also just politely plant your flag and declare, "I am not available by phone." Or if you don't want to be so absolute, "I am not generally available by phone." You could even say something like, "Since I am not available by phone for relationship status confirmation calls, I have prepared this document with handy two-factor authentication system for all our convenience."

That seems to be one of the very crucial take-aways you want potential metamors to take away.

[azurelunatic]

Because the society that I currently find myself in the middle of places such a high priority on phone communication that I have pitched battles with medical professionals about making sure the scheduling office for the department that they're referring me to does not call me, eating into appointment time and burning through goodwill. Because despite copious notes in my medical file to never call me, the scheduling people in each successive department still call me. Because after filing a grievance with my doctor juggernaut about people calling me when I had repeatedly expressed that they should not be calling me, the department processing the grievance called me for details. Twice.

So taking that flat stance didn't occur to me as a viable option.

[siderea]

Right, but those are medical professionals, yes? Working for large institutions? There is no reason to generalize from them to people that might want to carry on with your partner.

For one thing, the people doing a polyamory consent check with you are effectively approaching you as supplicants, where you have the power. You do get to say, "My way, or else," and have it stick. You can't do that with, say, Kaiser Soze Permanente.

[wohali]

What a great idea! I love this post.

[azurelunatic]

The default with people who blithely say "No, I totally have permission to hook up at this [distant event]!" is sadly that it's bullshit until the partner has been heard from.

Thus pre-emptive verification.

[inoru_no_hoshi]

How very lovely. And what a wonderful way to make sure others get the info they need to be reassured everything is on the up and up!

[azurelunatic]

Thank you. I want them to be able to have all the fun they can reasonably have, even when I am not able to be contacted easily. The "we need to meet in person" thing ignores the issues with long-distance relationships, and "just call them" assumes my availability for phone calls in a super condescendingly ablist way. So.

[snippy]

This is lovely and I am especially appreciating how you have chosen methods that suit your individual needs.

[azurelunatic]

Thank you. I hope we have occasion to test it!

[pauamma]

Conga rats and luck to you and GentleCaller!

[azurelunatic]

Thank you.

It's been interesting.

[nanila]

Lovely. Such clarity. Best wishes for happiness for you, Gentle Caller and future partners.

[siderea]

Congratulations! May it bring you much happiness.

Some notes, now that this is starting to be a practical thing:

[azurelunatic]

Our formally acknowledged and above-board relationship began on September 5th.
Those of our friends who would like us to stop kidding ourselves remind us that we've effectively been a couple since our first kiss, as generally speaking, people who are not in a romantic relationship do not make sure that they hug goodnight and then tuck into the same virtual bed every night.

I prefer to have any time that they can expect to be observing radio silence marked in my calendar. This goes for rehearsals, doctor appointments, and work meetings, as well as dates.

I request of them that they send me a text (or some such) to provide proof-of-life/check in when they're coming back from a night of carousing.

We are a chatty couple and tend to (over)share between us, so if there's anything in particular you'd like to be off-limits for sharing, do flag it up. We use our best discretion, but sometimes that may be off-base.

Re: Some notes, now that this is starting to be a practical thing:

[azurelunatic]

If the planned end time for a date gets overshot by 20-ish minutes, I request a text with the new plans, which will also serve as check-in, in case something has gone wrong in the intervening time. (As it did that one time.)

Re: Some notes, now that this is starting to be a practical thing:

[azurelunatic]

As of 2017, we have been living together! As of sometime in the 2017-2018 range, we are very fluid-bonded, and still have an expectation of barriers with other partners.

As of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, we are still masking with most contacts outside the household despite the whole household being vaxxed and boosted.

We are pinning our comfort with sex outside our bubble to our comfort with eating a meal indoors, and with the concept of group exercise.

Re: Some notes, now that this is starting to be a practical thing:

[azurelunatic]

As of 2024, my cancer has staged an unwelcome return.
Early 2025-current vaccines are not yet vigorous enough to stop Covid-19 in its tracks.
The combination of chemo after effects and other miscellaneous things means that if I get The Covid, nothing good will happen.
I trust current tests to prove a positive (yes, that "cold" is Covid) but not to establish a negative.
I am comfortable going out while masked and with other precautions for appointments, essential errands, and some social activity. I am not comfortable with unmasked indoor group meals or unmasked indoor exercise, but it turns out that half-face masks are sturdy enough to hold up to some pretty vigorous indoor exercise.