azurelunatic: part of a triangle filled with alternately black and red hearts, increasingly smaller in a sierpinski triangle pattern (matesprit)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2016-10-07 06:34 pm

Practical principles of polyamory, with the Gentle Caller.

To whom it may concern:

Yes, my Gentle Callersecurity: filtered is in a polyamorous/open relationship with me, started 5 September 2016. I am theirs and they are mine, as long as we both wish it. We are expected to see to our own safety first, before taking care of each other.

I am an autonomous adult who can make my own decisions about what to do with my body, time, and attention, including shared orgasms and other sexual contact and kissing. My Gentle Caller is likewise an autonomous adult. Sexual and romantic exclusivity has never been a part of this relationship.

I expect that any partner of my Gentle Caller's will treat them with an appropriate amount of respect, courtesy, and kindness. My Gentle Caller expects this of any partner of mine. We expect the use of barrier methods, with other partners and with each other. We expect that other partners will respect our existing relationship, especially because starting something with someone who expects sexual and romantic exclusivity tends to have the effect of a breakup with other existing partners...

As part of our relationship, I expect to be informed of new sexual partners in a timely fashion, ideally before hookup. (Texting before jumping into bed is entirely fine for this.) I expect to be informed when a friendship is heading in a romantic or kissy direction, to avoid surprises. I expect to provide reciprocal information to my Gentle Caller. We have agreed to give each other a heads-up if anything weird is likely to make an appearance in the daily life of the other as a result of something we have done. Like, if I summoned something with tentacles as the result of some sex magic, and it starts going after everyone I've been intimate with, this is relevant information that my Gentle Caller should know.

There is no need for me to have direct communication with another partner of my Gentle Caller's, unless everyone involved would like an introduction to be made, or there is a health-and-safety reason for it. (Health-and-safety beats all else.) While my Gentle Caller has permission to initiate phone calls at their discretion, waking me up with the phone for the purpose of confirming something that should have been able to be communicated in some asynchronous text format is a general bad plan.

We are all separate people, and we will form separate relationships between us, even if we tend to all be proximate in the same general spacetime. As my Gentle Caller and I have privacy between ourselves, I expect that my Gentle Caller and any other partner will have their own private communications and information, and a relationship that has nothing to do with me.

My Gentle Caller's time is their own, to allocate as they see fit. They do not owe me any explanation of how they spend it, other than reasonable notice of scheduling issues, and letting me know if they need to cancel any of our previously made plans. I do want a nice chunk of time with a reasonable amount of attention, but details are (as always) negotiable.

Please, dear potential metamour, treat my Gentle Caller well. I generally like their choice in friends, so I have confidence that you, too, are a really nifty person!
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[personal profile] elanya 2016-10-08 06:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Lovely <3
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[personal profile] vass 2016-10-08 09:47 pm (UTC)(link)
That's some really clever design.
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[personal profile] kaberett 2016-10-08 10:25 pm (UTC)(link)
siderea: (Default)

[personal profile] siderea 2016-10-11 05:31 am (UTC)(link)
This is all very clever. But is there some reason to not also just politely plant your flag and declare, "I am not available by phone." Or if you don't want to be so absolute, "I am not generally available by phone." You could even say something like, "Since I am not available by phone for relationship status confirmation calls, I have prepared this document with handy two-factor authentication system for all our convenience."

That seems to be one of the very crucial take-aways you want potential metamors to take away.
siderea: (Default)

[personal profile] siderea 2017-01-05 01:20 am (UTC)(link)
Right, but those are medical professionals, yes? Working for large institutions? There is no reason to generalize from them to people that might want to carry on with your partner.

For one thing, the people doing a polyamory consent check with you are effectively approaching you as supplicants, where you have the power. You do get to say, "My way, or else," and have it stick. You can't do that with, say, Kaiser Soze Permanente.
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[personal profile] wohali 2016-10-08 07:54 pm (UTC)(link)
What a great idea! I love this post.
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[personal profile] inoru_no_hoshi 2016-10-08 08:12 pm (UTC)(link)
How very lovely. And what a wonderful way to make sure others get the info they need to be reassured everything is on the up and up!
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[personal profile] snippy 2016-10-09 01:02 am (UTC)(link)
This is lovely and I am especially appreciating how you have chosen methods that suit your individual needs.
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[personal profile] pauamma 2016-10-09 05:02 am (UTC)(link)
Conga rats and luck to you and GentleCaller!
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[personal profile] nanila 2016-10-10 12:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Lovely. Such clarity. Best wishes for happiness for you, Gentle Caller and future partners.
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[personal profile] siderea 2016-10-11 04:58 am (UTC)(link)
Congratulations! May it bring you much happiness.