azurelunatic: A baji-naji symbol.  (baji-naji)
For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I started contemplating the components that make up an effective apology to me. There are the "five apology languages", which are siblings of the "five love languages", or something. That's interesting, but it isn't quite what I'm looking for.

What am I looking for?

a) Acknowledgment of the effect, and regret. (Regret is one of the apology languages.) Something happened and I was hurt; in an intimate and trustworthy relationship, I want them to know how I was hurt, and why it was hurtful. (Late to an event, hurt feelings, stubbed toe, irritated, etc.) Since they need to care for my well-being, I feel that it's appropriate that they regret my well-being was affected.
(In an untrustworthy relationship, giving them more information on how they have hurt me just gives them ammunition to hurt me further. If you find in your life that there are people where you don't want to let them know that you are hurt or how, contemplate your options for reducing those people's access to you.)

b) Root-cause analysis. What are the factors that led to this happening? Some are the responsibility of the person. (Accepting responsibility is one of the apology languages.) Sometimes there are factors that are nobody's responsibility, or are the responsibility of entities who are in no position to have things changed as a result of the incident. (A terrible day at the DMV is not likely to be solved by anyone saying "Hey, this was terrible.")

c) Making restitution, if appropriate. (Making restitution is one of the apology languages.) A date can often be rescheduled. Doing something nice and out of the ordinary is a mood-lifter. Fixing or replacing the broken thing. Sometimes there isn't really anything that can be done to make it better, and that probably should be acknowledged.

d) Failure prevention. (In the listed apology languages, "genuinely repenting" seems to fit this the closest.) With root-cause analysis and knowledge of the effects, we can use those to plan to avoid circumstances where this comes up again, and make a plan for mitigating the effects if it does come up again.


In my present primary relationship, my partner always genuinely regrets the hurt. They don't always understand why it was hurtful, so that portion often involves a lot of discussion. (And I can contribute to things going better by being more flexible in when and how that discussion happens.) The root cause often involves things that have grown out of traumatic experiences and situations in our past, which is ... fun. Restitution hasn't been a huge factor.

Root cause analysis and failure prevention tend to slide together, even though I have them listed as separate steps. It's at the failure prevention step where, like magic, I start calming down and feeling incredibly secure and loved. Since some of the factors involve trauma, the failure prevention often involves the slow process of healing (with and without the assistance of professionals), and my understanding and forgiveness of those things.

We're learning how to fight well and safely, and I love them so much.
azurelunatic: part of a triangle filled with alternately black and red hearts, increasingly smaller in a sierpinski triangle pattern (matesprit)
To whom it may concern:

Yes, my Gentle Callersecurity: filtered is in a polyamorous/open relationship with me, started 5 September 2016. I am theirs and they are mine, as long as we both wish it. We are expected to see to our own safety first, before taking care of each other.

I am an autonomous adult who can make my own decisions about what to do with my body, time, and attention, including shared orgasms and other sexual contact and kissing. My Gentle Caller is likewise an autonomous adult. Sexual and romantic exclusivity has never been a part of this relationship.

I expect that any partner of my Gentle Caller's will treat them with an appropriate amount of respect, courtesy, and kindness. My Gentle Caller expects this of any partner of mine. We expect the use of barrier methods, with other partners and with each other. Read more... )
azurelunatic: Raven looking at the golden apple.  (shiny)
It may well be that I have attention problems, brought about by the idea that I have not too little attention, but too much of it.

I am told that most people try to pay attention to only a few things at once. I attempt to pay attention to everything at once. When there is only a little of everything, I am just fine. When there is too much of everything, I have difficulty narrowing my focus to exclude the unimportant factors.

Rather, I have a difficulty deciding which the unimportant factors are, because it's so relatively rare that I have to narrow down.

On the other hand, when I tune my capacity to focus on one thing and one thing alone, I am like laser in the intensity.


Have long used the "I am like laser; do not date me alone" argument in favor of my polyamory. If I have multiple people to date, I am not half so dangerous when focused.


Is there a word, in any language, that means "that pain that comes as a result of someone mistaking you and your unrequited beloved for an actual couple, and/or treating you as such"? I hurt like that a lot around Shawn, back in the day. It was touchy to try and correct people who were mistaking us for like-really-Together when all I wanted was for us to actually be together. It still occasionally feels like an open wound when people assume that Darkside and I are Really Together.
azurelunatic: A glittery black pin badge with a blue holographic star in the middle. (Default)
I was going to go and put the NIC in Allegra, then hit bed early. I was also going to work on Circle of Fire. Instead, I've been reading the archives of "Questionable Content" and totally vegging while my hair dries.



Whoever was wanting it, I found it.

Apropos of something small with too many legs in an RSS feed comment thread:
While I describe myself as polyamorous, it seems like >95% of polyamorous people wouldn't have what it takes to even begin to petition Darkside for his sign-off on getting into my pants. That's probably also because >99.99999% of people in general don't have what it takes. To date, Darkside has only ever recommended Mr. Shallow, of all the people I've expressed a passing or more-than-passing interest in.

In the past year, I've expressed a more-than-passing interest in [livejournal.com profile] figment0.
In the past three, it's been the Figment, The-Sith, Mr. Shallow, and maybe Yakky (not sure on the time-frame any more).

Adam was playing poly by some scary-bad rules, back in the day.

There are a lot of poly people who do the swinger/free love thing. And while that may be their bag, they're very welcome to it, because it's not my bag. I fall very strongly in love, and very strictly in love; it's just that I don't fall out of love before falling in love again. The thought of sex without love is very personally distasteful to me, and, again, YMMV, but that's yours. I'm very much polyfi.

Aside from the "must be nifty person" thing, and the "must poke the right buttons", I have a very strict "must not be engaged in nasty self-destructive stuff" restriction when looking at people with an eye to dating them.
azurelunatic: Animated purple vibrator on blue background.  (Divine Oscillations)
Dream involved a comedy of errors in an attempt to sleep with Shawn.

If I were being perfectly frank with myself, I'd be either somewhat scared, [livejournal.com profile] garnetdagger considers a "danger" (her wording) of me falling for him again.

When Dagger says "danger", she means it. If Darkside and I are somewhat of a social mismatch ... well, if a random reader thinks we aren't, there's nothing I can say that would be able to convince them that we're not, but ... I have problems with self esteem and social situations. It's difficult for me to trust that someone actually cares about me sometimes. But when I'm in my right mind, I have no doubts that Darkside does care. For someone who doesn't express emotion well, he's done a good job at somehow reassuring me that I'm cared about. (the swap between my right mind and my wrong mind is vast, and anyone catching me in my wrong mind should send me to bed.)

But. Shawn is distinct danger to me, because (BDSM terminology) he's not a good Master. He does not provide the care that a submissive needs, doesn't do the "I am master, I'm in charge, which means I'm responsible" wellness checks. There is history. There is bad history. Dagger has forbidden that I take up with Shawn again, which means that as much as Shawn and I would get on like a house afire in bed now (memory says that our kinks are eminently compatible now that I've grown more into mine) ... no. Absolutely not.

Thank you, Darkside, for being a wonderful man and respectful of me...


My teenage fumblings of sex with Shawn were just as much of a comedy of errors as the dream was, which I find refreshing and amusing. Oy. Oy vey. My sex dreams tend to be extremely realistic, and feature the correct personality of my partner(s) as I know it. And. Yeah. Not happening. What [livejournal.com profile] garnetdagger says, goes.
azurelunatic: Cordless phone showing a heart.  (phone)
I had a dream last night wherein I was making kissy-face with the Cute Desk Guy in the parking lot next door. Massive confusion followed upon waking; upon seeing the Cute Desk Guy at work (wouldn't you know...) I realized that yeah, I so totally had one of those crushes on him. I had a word with my subconscious. And it seems to be one of those things that I have to ride out. Estimated Time of Departure for those is a month to three months.

So, fuck. These are the hazards of polyamory.

Cute Desk Guy knows that I'm going through this right now, and he wishes me luck dealing with it. We're not even going to go there, y'know?

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