Eee gods. ...This is supposed to be fic.

[azurelunatic]

Author: azurelunatic
Title: untitled
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13 for implied hanky-panky
Pairings: Peeves/Potter

I blame McTabby for this one.



Professor Snape looked out over his classroom. Everyone was hard at work on their potions, or at least pretending to be. With one exception. One notable exception.

That insufferable snot Malfoy was bent over his workbench, chopping ingredients and doubtless plotting his next move in the tiresome Slytherin/Gryffindor feud. The promising Granger was lecturing Longbottom about what he'd done this time. With any luck, her influence would make the child not an active menace to his colleagues.

But no. Potter. Not only was he paying a distinct lack of attention to his lab partner's activities, but he was staring off into space, with glazed eyes and a flushed face. Perhaps he had inhaled some fumes at the wrong moment? Snape put down his quill and swept over to Potter.

"Is everything quite in order, Mr. Potter?" he asked.

Potter jumped.

"Yes, Professor!" he gulped, face paleing.

"Then perhaps you will not mind sharing what is so fascinating about the corner of the room?" Snape asked. Potter was displaying a level of 'not on task' far higher than normal, and if he'd gotten a snootful of the catastrophe that Longbottom had brewed, it would be best to get him to the infirmary.

"Nothing," Potter said. His robes rearranged themselves suddenly, and Potter kicked surruptitiously at something under the desk.

Snape peered, and was just able to make out the half-visible form of Peeves. He pointed his wand at the poltergeist, as Potter cringed.

"You," Snape ordered the ghost. "OUT of my lab. I will not stand for further interruptions, and I suggest you remember what I can and will do." The wand twitched ever so slightly, and Peeves bolted, but not before making Potter twitch again.

"I do not want to know, Potter," Snape said, with a note of finality. "I do not. Ensure that it never happens within my sight again." And he strode away firmly.

---

Review? Am feedback slut.

Comments

[amberfox.livejournal.com]

*giggles and cheers* I like it! Of course, I'm a perv, but then, so are most HP slash fans, so.... ^_^

[azurelunatic]

Thanks.

Of all the possible ways to implement that pairing, I decided upon this as by far the least squickful for me, as I did not have to delve very far into what they could possibly be doing.

[aussie-nyc.livejournal.com]

I am uncomfortably reminded of the sex-ed scene in The Meaning of Life.

[azurelunatic]

Thanks! Any comparison to Monty Python is praise, even if disturbing....

[tww1fa]

One word: Eep!

[azurelunatic]

Thanks!

Evidently, Squick My Readers is my mission in fanfic.

[ladyvyola.livejournal.com]

My eyes! My eyes! You have blinded my ickle eyes, o wicked one!

[azurelunatic]

Thanks!

[pggmilltn.livejournal.com]

Que?

[azurelunatic]

Sorry, I don't speak that language...

Re:

[pggmilltn.livejournal.com]

It is a misappropriation of the spanish word for what. I was kind of confuzled by the story thingy.

[azurelunatic]

mctabby has been giving out fanfic challenges. Her latest is Blame Each Other, where people come up with really BAD romance/sex pairings, and challenge each other to write them.

In this case, Harry and Peeves are up to absolutely no good in Professor Snape's Potions lab, which is a bad thing.

Re:

[pggmilltn.livejournal.com]

What/who is peeves?

[azurelunatic]

A poltergeist with a very *foul* sense of humor.

[redshoeson.livejournal.com]

Oh, that explains it. I was like... Peeves and Harry?? Hmm...

[azurelunatic]

Evil, isn't that pairing?

[redshoeson.livejournal.com]

It's downright WRONG!! ~_~**

[azurelunatic]

Which, likely, is why mctabby suggested Peeves at all.

[tyrantmouth.livejournal.com]

Mwahahaha. I love it. :)

[azurelunatic]

This is a good tool for sorting out the Truly Evil from the kinda evil on my friends list.

[melcocha.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god. That reminded me of an incident in my algebra class back in high school. There was a guy in the class who was a compulsive masturbator. He'd always sit in the back and play with himself through his pockets while leaning forward to harass whatever chick was unlucky enough to sit in front of him.

Unfortunately, I sat next to him, which is why I had such good knowledge of what he was up to.

Anyway, one day, he was being particularly bothersome to the girl sitting in front of him, and instead of merely ignoring him or shushing him, she was loudly squealing for him to stop. Stop, no, ew! I'm trying to pay attention, etc.

The teacher noticed and walked up to the pair to stop the disruption, but as soon as he got within a couple of feet of "Bobby," he stopped and his jaw dropped. After a moment, he yelled, "BOBBY! God! Go to the back of the class!"

He had to sit by himself in the back of the class for the rest of the year. But he managed to play with himself anyway.

[azurelunatic]

Heh.

I imagine anyone would be a little disturbed...

[technocracygirl.livejournal.com]

Ngh. Didn't get it until I read the link and read the fic again. Loved Snape's reaction. And characterization.

[azurelunatic]

Heh. I flatter myself that I write a good Snape; it's nice to see that other people think so as well.

There are so many things that can be hidden inside a shell like that. Heh. Bet he's a Cancer.

[maria-futura.livejournal.com]

Franciiiiineeee...

*hugs fellow fan*

[azurelunatic]

Yep! And I look a lot like her, too! Only I have glasses.

[technocracygirl.livejournal.com]

Same here!

[azurelunatic]

Amusingly, I had a friend, DC, who *was* her, but did not look like her. I had a cow-orker who looked identical to DC, other than minor height/build differences. The cow-orker's name was Katina. Full circle.

Re:

[maria-futura.livejournal.com]

Indeed. I look a lot like Hermione, but I don't think I'm very much like her. Of course, anyone with shaggy brown hair can say they look like Hermione, I suppose.

[waywind.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeeew! GROOOOOOOSS!
Although it is /exactly/ the sort of thing that Peeves would do.

I was under the impression that this was /not/ Harry's idea, but he couldn't do anything about it without attracting attention. Glad none of my schools had any polter... um, no, I /have/ been to a school with poltergeists. But they weren't like Peeves, at least. o.O

Kudos to Snape for not attracting a lot of attention to it either, I guess. O.o Goodness knows Harry didn't need /that/ on his reputation as well.

[azurelunatic]

Peeves is a sadistic bastard. I somehow can't imagine Harry inviting him to do that either, at least not in class. He's a good, quiet kid, at least when he's not around Ron.

Malfoy, on the other hand, would have so totally been a drama queen about the incident, if Peeves had tried that to him...

Re:

[waywind.livejournal.com]

This would, though, also make Peeves a child molestor; I'dve figured the teachers would crack down on the poltergeist if he did that kind of thing. I mean, goodness, in a school and all.

[azurelunatic]

Very possibly they might; but very possibly, they might not. I do not know how these things work in British schools.

Re:

[waywind.livejournal.com]

Well, they proclaim Hogwarts as being the safest place in pretty much the whole world. Child-molesting poltergeists are not my definition of safe. If it was my kid in there I'd complain about that.

[azurelunatic]

Three-headed dogs in a corridor is not really my idea of safe either.

But it is certainly safer than some places.

At least we know that there is only the one child-molesting poltergeist...

Re:

[waywind.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Yes, you have a point. Several points. *nods, agrees*

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

That absolutely ROCKS!!

If you were attempting squickage, hon, I'm afraid you failed. But so far, I love your fic calling. Absolutely fun. :)

[azurelunatic]

It squicked me far too much to contemplate writing from either Peeves' or Harry's perspective. So I backed it off a notch.

[azurelunatic]

My main fanfic page, http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/darkbright/ficmain.html, is better-organized and easier to find fic on than my LJ memories.

[vileseagulls.livejournal.com]

Hah. Highly entertaining.

End of class:
"Uh, sir?"
"Potter, get out."
"Um, sir, I didn't want - I was trying to get rid of him, I swear!"
"...I see. So you are completely innocent in this misdemeanor, are you?"
"Yes! Please sir, he just - I mean -"
"Honestly, Potter. If you have a problem, take it somewhere else. I do not need to be having this conversation."

Hee. Was sent here by mctabby, who linked to a number of Peeves pairings in a recent comment thread.

[azurelunatic]

Hee. Yep. That's just about the conversation they'd be having.

Glad you enjoyed it.